July 1, 2007Vandalism
Countless dozens of valuable hand-crafted clay jars have been destroyed in more than twenty homes and businesses across Hyrule within the last month. Hundreds of rupees once stored inside them have also reportedly been stolen. "I couldn't fucking believe it," claimed Donna Puccio, a Kakariko Village resident. "He just walked in, smashed the jar, took our rupee savings inside, and split! That jar was a heirloom that had been in my family for over ten generations!" The suspect alleged to have committed these crimes, a 17 year old male who goes by the name "Link", had become more notable to residents in recent weeks. David Morris, a royal guard, noticed him a number of times in Castle Town. "He just kept prancing around in that green dress that those tree-kids wear, throwing Cuckoos at children and rudely interrupting strangers to talk to them. Seriously, what kind of asshole dresses like that?" His notability is what ultimately led to suspicion. On Friday morning, the old man decided to take action. "When he first came into town, I tried to be generous and help him out by giving him a wooden sword." he said. "And then he came around and started breaking my jars and stealing my money, but I gave him a second chance, because everyone gets a little anxious in a new place." The old man made it clear how he felt the second time. "This little prick walked into my house, and I decided enough is enough. The people of this town aren't taking any more of his shit. I shot a few fire-balls at him, and that was enough to keep him stunned until the cops showed up." Link was apprehended within minutes of the incident. Link was arraigned Friday afternoon on charges of breaking and entering, property damage, and theft. The suspect pleaded not guilty, and a trial date has not yet been assigned. The youth's parents could not be reached for comment.
Posted on 07/01/2007 3:11 PM Comments (1)
The GrueYou may be looking for Grues and not even know it!  Grues Love this Article Luckily, it's in the good way, not meaning "tasty". But don't get too settled, they'll still eat you. All the people who edit this article have a .01% less chance of being eaten by a grue. Please note this does not stack, and is non-transferable. And remember, it's only .01%!
A Grue (Gruesømellithicus ravenousifoodtus) is a box-shaped gap-toothed mammal known for eating adventurers. Grues are not often seen roaming the wilderness in herds, whistling old-time Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen. The reason Grues are not often seen doing anything is because Grues live in total darkness, so the whole "seeing" thing would be kind of hard to do. The likelihood of being eaten by a Grue is probably non-zero. Contrary to popular belief, they are not related to those Burger King things... whatever those are. On the other hand, a Grue does figure prominently on the popular children's television show "Grue's Clues." Grues hate Vermicious Knids and are often seen crossing out kind graffiti on walls, All Grues are named Domo...don't ask what happened to the rabbit. There are an estimated 48 Grues left in the United States today due to the Grue conservation program - luckily all Grues are kept under heavy rocks, or locked away in abandoned biker bars. Of course, being creatures of darkness that tend to eat anything they can get within range of, these numbers are likely inaccurate, outdated, or simply made up by the same people who tell us that pretty much everything causes cancer. The alpha male Grue is referred to as the Guru or sugar daddy. The female Grues that the sugar daddy gets jiggy with are referred to as gruepees. The sugar daddy prefers to do it in a motel or an inn (all except Holiday Inn, because it is more of a hotel than an inn). Once the room in the inn/motel has been used there, is a ceremony in which the motel/inn is pronounced a Gruery. Grue is the etymological root of "gruesome", meaning "grisly". Whether or not this is because Grues resemble grisly bears is not known. However, this is why it is customary for a relative who sees a growing child for the first time after a long departure will say, "My ain't he grew-some?" Grue-Slaying
for further reading see the HowTo: HowTo:Hunt Grues Grues cannot be killed with these things:
Air freshener, anti-matter, axes, black holes, butter knives, chain mail, chainsaws, the Death Star, diarrhea, fire, flying pieces of shit from the land of monkey men with wings, guns, lances, lasers, light sabers, martial arts, mouse traps, nukes, bigger nukes, paper cuts, Shit (when capitalized), shoulder blades, the color green, swords, toothpicks, weapons of mass destruction, Wikipedia, Uncyclopedia, any sweet or sour foodstuffs, cheesy poofs, cheese dippers, croissants, cows with guns, chickens in choppers, egg cups, methanol, ethanol, fruit, a frozen loaf of bread, girl scout cookies, guinea pigs, kittens, mayo (or any type of condiment), the Mayo (or any type of condiment) Clinic, any meat in the form of a ball (or loaf, for that matter), oranges, a pig in a blender, Pepto-Bismol, pi, pie, potatoes, pretzels, puppies, rabbit detectives, rabid detectives, salad bowls, salad bowels, swedish meatballs, Trix, Al Franken, Alistair Gibson, Andrew Calver, Austin Powers, Barney, Barney Rubble, rubble, Mr. Bubble, Bea Arthur, Ben Affleck, Benji, Bill Clinton, Bobby, Bob, Bob Brek, Bob Saget, Bob Sherman, Bob the Builder, Captain America, Captain Britain, Captain Canada, Captain Crunch, Captain Falcon, Captain Jesus, Captain Marvel, Captain Oblivious, Captain Planet, Captain Scarlet, Captain Ultra, Chris Rock, Dr. Evil, Dr. Evil's Henchmen, the Dark Lord Voldemort, Dick Cheney, Fancy Dan, Goa Tse, George Bush, GODZILLA, Jack Sparrow, Jack Thompson, Jeff Probes, Jeff Probst, Jon Kitna, Marth, Martha Stewart, Maozilla, MC Hammer, Pooty Tang, Rick James, Rose O' Donale, Satan, SpongeBob SquarePants, or pants in general, Steven Segal, Tom Clancy, Tom from Myspace, Tony Blair, the Amazing Spiderman, The Black, Red, Yellow, White, Blue, or Brown Man Group, the Incredible Hulk, the IRS, Vanilla Ice, you, your bladder (even with the spleen to help it), your mom, your momma, 50 Cent, Stalin, noobs, n00bs, neebs, ||00b5, froobs, Sir Nooblington, Jordan Kofoed, George Dubya, two cows, milk, guitars (double-neck or otherwise), the Soviet Space Navy, Cosmonants, Karl Marx, wheelbarrows, Communism, ninjas (unless they're Jewish), pirates (unless they're scented), Ninja-Pirates or any combination thereof (unless they're Jewish and scented), The Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God, the Anti-Ninja Organization, the Anti-Pirate Organization, the Anti-Pirate-Ninja Organization, the Anti-Ninja-Pirate Assembly of Satan, minjas, samurais, Asian people, Canadians, Germans, Russians, athiests, berserkers (not to be confused w/ berzerkrs), berzerkrs, blind people, Democrats, dentists, emos, screamos, small stick men with sharp pointy sticks, gangstas, men who fall out with their wives and wander the streets at night, nazis, n00bz, playboys, playgirls, preps, pyromaniacs, terrorists, fat people, bald people, deaf, dumb and blind kids who sure play a mean pinball, vampires (excepting Alucard.) zombies, consonants, giant fishes in bear suits attackin’ Tokyo (unless during Easter Holiday), guilt-tripping, hairy lizards, Hummer H2s, I Love Lucy, iPods, kindness, linear equations, L’oreal Kids shampoo, shea butter lotion, titanium toilet paper, the easy button, the system, the Force, the Schwartz, The Game, The Gong Show, twelve year olds invading the internet, medical degrees, Nazi sticks, Nugins, paradoxes, Pikachu, scented candles, scented pikachus, r?d links, speranah, Sephiroth (unless he is in One-Winged Angel form), Knights of the Round Materia (cause the Grue would still have 1HP left and would eat you), Peter Griffin, Charlies Daniels, fiddling competitions, Tom Cruise, brainwashed alien ghosts, liquid nitrogen, botox, baby wipes, Hyakugojyuuichi, Sephiroth's Sword, barge poles, twinkies, Scientology (this would only make them stronger), guns, bullets, gunpowder, Mercedes-Benz, cement mixers, Goku's hair, asteroids (the game and the real thing), Masamune (not the sword, the guy who made them), Marie Curie, radium, barium, uranium and all things ending in -ium, Uranus, Your anus, your mom's anus, a skunks anus, the Millenium Bug, Mastercard, American Express - fuck it : all credit/debit/donor/switch and Maestro Cards in general, Master Materia, Casting Zombie and giving them a Pheonix Tail or Pheonix Down, CFC (chloro-floro-carbons or Cans for Cunts), piano wire, hats, shoes (especially when thrown), Fenrir, Odin, Zeus, Tyr, the Revelation, orgasmic explosion, Michael Parkinson, the BeeGees, oxygen, lightning and all things plasma, volcanoes, Volvic, Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of time, The Straight Line (y=mx+c or in ax+by+c=0), bar-bells, dumb-bells, the Bells of Nostradame, the Bermuda Triangle, free energy as well as dictated energy (also communist energy), Aurora 1, Aurora 2, Aurora Borialles, Heihachi Mishima and Heihachi Mishima's wooden balls that dangle from his trousers in Tekken 5, the PS3, the Wii, the XBox 360, Windows Vista, Holy Communion, Unholy Communion, Quantum Mechanics, hybrid-synnegy drive, CO2 and the largest Carbon Footprint (Big Carbon-Foot), Big Foot, Wee Foot, No'-as-big-as-Medium-Sized-Foot-but-bigger-than-Wee-Foot-Foot, Discursive Essays, Double Russian Reversal (it's fucking useless), the Andrex puppy, Area 51, railguns, tanks, remote-control tanks, ball lightning, square lightning, any lightning in any shape, asian people eating zombies, ferret eating zombies, British Zombies, Dr Pepper, Mr Pibb (they're the same fucking soda so neither would work), Santa Claus, coal, The Coca-Cola Santa Claus, Coca-Cola, Pepsi, jesus, jebus, black jesus, marroon jesus, marroon five, clocks, watches, sun-dials or any other time pieces, jam, lemmon compote, 20 pence, gamma rays, llama rays, X rays, ultraviolet rays, microwaves (not the actual rays you find in the solar system, the one's that you cook shit meals from Tesco with), the number 12, 69 (lol 69), mana, hentai, lesbian poo, www.godhatesfags.com, www.godhatesYOU.com, Keith Allen, Korn, short hair, long hair, realy long hair, www.wikipedia.org, www.wikipedia.orgy, level 70 palidins, scooby snaks (what are they rely), frencheroticfilm@hotmail.co.uk, various forms of cake, the Sun, the Sun exploding, Vanilla Sky and Tom Cruise in general, WarGaZm, Transformers, Mr X (the former employee of Area 51... yeah right..), the distressed caller that called Art Bell regarding Aliens, Chuck Norris' tears, Bolt, Bolt 2, Bolt 3 and Ramuh, Quezacotl, Ixion and Thor, and Thor's Hammer, hardware, software, Bungle, Peter Kay, Alt+F4 (go on, try it - you know you want to), TelevisionX and all forms of pornography (yes including MILF! that Mother I'd Like to Fuck! and GILF!! ((You get the picture with that one)) ), pages that are 31 kilobyts long and longer and longerer (cause Pétis Filous helps my bones grow strongerer), John Kane - big fat smelly kid from the YMCA!!, the Village People (the many gays in the village), David Walliams (simply cause it's supposed to be Williams, not Walliams, either way, he's still a willy or wally), swastikas, and Hitler's Gas Bill - inflation was all HIS fault, wallpaper made out of German Money, Mt Rushmore, Google Earth, magnets - including the North and South Pole, Canadia, canadians (especialy french canadians, because they surrender to often), normal french people, Jacques Chiraq and his nuclear weapons that he exploded in the Atlantic Ocean), Chuck Norris washing his clothes in the ocean (this was banned due to the tsunami's killing people), Mt St. Hellens including Yellowstone National Park, Neverland, happy thoughts, albinos, WHITE!! RED EYE!!, that big russian, that small russian, that No'-as-big-as-Medium-Sized-Russian-but-bigger-than-Small-Russian-Russian, FUCKING HOFFSTYLE!!!, and the Nightrider (during Daytime - otherwise it would be the Dayrider), CTRL+ALT+DEL, xbox, xbox360, the Wii (especially the Wii), Resistance: Fall of Man and the Church of England that's willing to sue them... ha pwnd, the word pwnd, the South Park episode: Make Love not Warcraft, World of Warcraft, Murphy's Law, Jekyll and any other films or programmes with the irishman, Yellow Pages, Blue Pages, green pages, rainbow pages, rainbow kisses, Protein shakes, milk powder, Ultima materia, the band MaTeRiA, PS1, the Sega MegaDrive, YOUR BOAT... TWIGADEE!!, the Sun shrinking, Daleks, Cybermen, Mudkips, xyzzy, false BENSONs, gasoline-soaked mops.
Grues can be killed by these things
Natural HabitatGrues can be found in all the dark places of the world; your mom's cookie jar, for example. Also known to inhabit any dark, and damp dungeon... Anywhere... They are also frequently found in basements and under the bed of bad little children who don't brush their teeth or eat their vegetables. Also, if you don't change your underwear often enough, and have big enough underwear (XXL is the limit of safe underwear), you might get a tribe of Grues living in them. 
One characteristic of Grue dwellings is that they all contain an equal quantity of priceless treasure. Nobody knows for certain why this is so. The prevailing theory is that the presence of the treasure provides the Grues with a near-constant supply of adventurers to devour (Have an odd appetite for Paladins, despite the bad aftertaste), most often hiding within a text based RPG. An alternative theory reverses this relationship: since adventurers often carry treasures with them, and Grues cannot digest treasure, any treasure found in a Grue dwelling is merely detritus from its many meals. Common myths
Grue Subspecies
Apart from the common Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi ravenousi), there are many, less common types. Russian Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi soviet)
The rare Russian Grue can be killed by almost anything, and is common prey for oxen, weeds, cow tongues, bars of soap, hobbits, stormtroopers, red shirts, n00bs, sand castles, and lawyers, though its most common predators are the fence post and tumbleweed. When a Russian Grue procreates with a regular Grue, it will create a kitten. The reason for this is only known to Ralph Nader, who recently brought sexy back. The Russian Grue is not to be confused with the Russian GRU, even though they are pronounced exactly the same and Solid Snake can kill both of them. Spanish Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi el stupido)In Spain there are many Crane Trucks, filled with Grues, called Gruas. This is a plot by the Spanish Grues to invade the world with Gruas. Because Grues are very unoriginal, they made up the name Gruas, just one letter different from Grues. Gangsta GruesThese grues are packing heat and are primarily found in allyways.
French Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi le pansy surrenderi)The French Grue is commonly known as Le Greu. It is most fond of pastries, and will go after them in preference to a hobo sapien. Le Greu is most commonly seen chewing on a giant baguette, while wearing a white painter's cap, black and curly mustache, striped blue shirt, and holding a large white flag. Usually, Le Greu is very pale, white, and skinny. It easily succumbs to modern sarcasm. In order to survive a Le Greu attack, one has to summon a Grue, an Eurg, or a vague threat of invasion. However, one will be eaten by one or the other after they are done with their opponent. The French Greu Military has never won any wars against other grue tribes. Une foule d'américains se sont suicidés au parc publique, allez-hop, allons-y, on va manger ce soir. Chuckland Pulverizing Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi beatdown)The Chuckland Pulverizing Grue (commonly known as simply the "Chuck's Grue") is a Grue that only lives in the Bleen mines of Chuckland. Chuck's Grues have twice the strength of a normal Grue. These Grues were the result of the Anti-Grue stealing Chuck Norris's semen and implanting it in a Eurg. However, this combination caused the Eurg to asplode and from it was born the Chuckland Grue. The Chuckland Grue, due to its heritage, is immune to bleen things and extreme sarcasm. It grows to 8 gajillion feet tall if it eats a Texas Whopper and can eat anything. Chuckland Pulverizing Grues enjoy eating French Grues with hot sauce, eating emos wrapped in bacon, and eating the works of Oscar Wilde. The Chuckland Pulverizing Grue's only weakness is pirates, who use their godlike powers to barbecue Chuckland Grues with a mustardy marinade. Their war cry is "I WILL EET U 4 MAI BREKFEST." Nazi Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi nationalsocialistus)
Other than that, they take kindly to Bovarian White Sausage. Auld Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi mediaevalis)Auld Grues, or Old Grues, were chivalrous and sword-wielding knights, who would (unlike today's Grues) offer mercy and be courteous as the victim was eaten, usually offering a quick and painless death as opposed to fiery fangs and searing pains ripping through the enemy's body. Old Grues liked to rescue damsels, but this became a problem when the Grue was unable to resist eating the damsel. This was very troublesome for Old Grues and damsels stopped calling for help, afraid they would be eaten by an Old Grue. Real knights errant were really pissed off that they couldn't find damsels anymore, so they took advantage of the Old Grues' mercy and non-ruthlessness and killed them all. Ur-Grue (Gruesomicius superiori tuhabesmortuuserasii)
Scrawled in the margins of medieval bestiaries are descriptions of a single terrible and powerful Grue cleric/spellcaster known as the Ur-Grue. It is said to be completely immune to all of the traditional Grue's weaknesses - it is constantly surrounded by magical darkness which nought but sunlight can penetrate, and most conventional weapons will either miss completely or cease to exist upon contact with its body. It is, however, partially vulnerable to very very extreme sarcasm. In addition to its fearsome natural armaments, the Ur-Grue is armed with a multitude of spells, such as cleesh (change foe to small amphibian), yozozzo (change foe into small duck), and onkik (unknown, possibly magic missile). The Ur-Grue is currently serving as the final boss of Zork, after usurping the position from the Grue King. He doesn't eat people - he takes over their bodies and fucks them up instead. When he dies, he takes the form of an old guy even uglier than Michael Jackson and takes over the body of a certain Grue. He determines if they're worthy by strangling them and possessing the one that doesn't die (he has a very strong grip.) Chinese Grues (Gruesnifficus inhaleus)When sniff grue, head get reary right. They all know Kung Fu and have been seen dressed like Huang Feihong. Also, they are good at math. Norse Grues (Gruecous Habillis)Although not a separate species in itself, the Norse Grue inhabits a region of Norway that it conquered during the kitten war. People were just too distracted (and weak) to stop it doing so. People let the Grue keep it. Why? Because they were scared that they would be eaten as well. The Great Canadian Grues (Grues eh?)These grues like to live in dark log cabins or igloos, while watching hockey games and drinking Molsen. They are easily recognizable by thier logger shirts and Tuques. The only way to defeat this type of grue is to get two of them to argue over which hocky team is better: Toronto Mapleleafs or Montreal Canadiens. They will then get into a brawl that will end in one of the grue's bloody demise. That, or they'll agree with each other and kill you. Arctic Grues (Festivus Gruetia)Arctic Grues are similar to the other species of Grue, in that they are horrible monsters. However, they frequent cold, snowy regions and are quite pale, in order to blend in with their surroundings. Their natural habitats are the North Pole and the South Pole. Despite being 'arctic', the largest population of Arctic Grues is located in Antarctica. In Antarctica, they feed off seals, penguins, and gov't employees. In the Arctic, they congregate around the North Pole, snatching Christmas Elves from Santa's workshop. Candy canes are considered a delicacy. Tleilaxu Grues (Arakia Gruedipi)Tleilaxu Grues are known to be able to change themselves into almost anything, as they have surpassed the Face Dancers themselves. In fact, unknown to the Tleilaxu, these grues are direct descendants of Bijaz. Their current favorite food is chicken, which is bad since everything tastes like chicken. American Grues (Amerigrucius Patrioticus)These grues were known to be the fattest species of grues in the world. Every other grues hates them, but at the same time, loves them too. They are known to have made the first grue atomic bomb. They are related to the Canadian grues and they love to eat large amount of fast food. Most of these grues are rich and likes to spend their treasures on iPods and other electronics that are expensive. OthersFor a short time, speranah were considered to be a subspecies of Grue, but the person who suggested this was soon beaten to death and everyone forgot about it. Though not technically a subspecies, "Grue" is also a type of paste used exclusively in Asia (popularly manufactured by "Ehrmers".) Sexual LifeOh God no. Grue Huffing
While this act is not unheard of, it should, under ANY circumstances, be attempted. However, when a grue presents itself as nigh unstoppable, you might as well go out with a bang. Litteraly. Grue Huffing screws with you so much that you end up asploding at the end. Only three people are known to have Huffed a grue and live. However, due to reasons that cannot be possibly disclosed, they must remain anonymous, and therefore must be Chuck Norris, Big Boss, and Oscar Wilde, despite the fact none of these are human. How to Deal With a Grue
Grue and other namesSome also know Grues as "Domo-kun", due to parody site Wikipedia's Domo-kun article. The Japanese title "kun" shows little respect and is used to address someone inferior. Addressing or referring to a Grue using this name will cause an unusually painful death by Buttsecks. Some African tribespeople have devised their own unique (but lengthy) name for a Grue. This name has been transliterated as "Aaaahkek Savemeallah Zomgomwtfgroflol Akakaaaaakah", approximately. The name was derived from the sounds made by anyone foolish enough to try to approach it. There is also an ancient Greek message on the old parthenon that states, roughly translated "Lawlz. Grues eat kittens when j00 masturbate". In the MMORPG Galactic conquest Grues are refered to as Kalzul, and are thought to be responsible for the monthly activation of the Ultimate Weapon. Articles eaten by Grue
Famous Grue Movies
Posted on 07/01/2007 2:56 PM Comments (0)
Princess ZeldaPrincess ZeldaFrom Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Zelda (Zapping Evil Liberal Dutch Asses), (born 23 May 1955, or so she claims ) or Zelda-member, is a multipurpose female android housing the soul of the long dead Dutch messiah and ladies' man Linky dink. Zelda's sole function in life is fulfil the wishes of her creator, Shigeru Miyamoto. Although he claims to have created Zelda by himself in his garage, rumour has it, that it was actually Japanese Scientist Yoshi Luigi. Originally created from the souls of dead dutchmen and burnt-out NES systems, Zelda is a transformer with two known forms, entitled Girly-girl Mode and Kick-Ass-Crossdresser Mode (Sheik). She has had many different forms throughout the past 20 years, each serving a different purpose in her overarching goal of conquering the world. This time, it's 'Kill, Maim, Destroy!' (Last time, it was 'Seek, Locate, Exterminate'.) Zelda was once seen working on the streets of Hyrule as a prostitute, who has done all the sages...hard. (Go-Goddamn Figure).
[edit] StatsZelda has recently been upgraded to version 3.2.7 and is now equipped with two enormous eyes that house two high-powered positron cannon, which can vaporize anything within a 5-mile radius. Additionally Zelda is armed with two side-mounted rail guns, fingertip poison dart launchers, nuclear-tipped Hellfire missiles, a matter disassembler and a set of chemically enhanced pheromones that can stun any mammal within a 20 foot proximity. Added effects of the latter are educing monologuing in evil villians (see the Ganondorf Incident) and giving little kids delusions of grandeur. She also has two lasers located inside her man-chest, and can support Windows Vista and Mac OS X. [edit] And Thus She Didn't Conquer The WorldShigeru Miyamoto's single order to Zelda was "Go forth and subdue the world in my name!" As per his decree, Zelda lead the combined forces of Nerds and Emos against the last outpost of Rebel Alliance: the Microsoft Corporation. After many long days of fighting and much deadly eye-beaming, Princess Zelda managed to Macgyver a titanic armed Tickle Me Elmo, piloted by an elite team of Ewoks. The Elmo-zilla smashed the entire Microsoft Fortress into the ground with a giant Blue Screen of Death as Bill Gates sat around and cried. [edit] Life in Retirement
Zelda returned home a conquering hero, and was granted the right to resume her role as Zoroaster. To this day Zelda may be seen walking around Persia, miraculously creating fire from thin air with a Bic lighter, preaching to the Persians, and smiting the Heathens and Unbelievers with her Hellfire missiles and death-ray eye beams. Also she has been seen with her boyfriend Link in porn movies such as "I fucked a Hero" , "How does his penis bend that way" and they also featured in "Mario and Peach's Foursome". Zelda is now living in a resort with Link in mushroom kingdom since Link has learned the power to teleport. All she does in mushroom kingdom is get molested by Link and have awesome threesomes with Toad and Link. Daisy sometimes included. [edit] People Who Have Kidnapped Zelda
Posted on 07/01/2007 2:50 PM Comments (0)
LinkLink (Legend of Zelda)
Link is a fairy boy, and is considered a dangerous criminal. He is known to carry dangerous weapons such as swords, bows and arrows, feathers, spring-loaded grappling hooks, shoes made of solid iron, very large leaves, and even bombs! He is said to be the leader of the well known gang called the 'Bombers" His crimes include breaking expensive vases, cutting lawns without permission, constantly asking people for "masks", killing innocent monsters and ripping thier hearts out of their chests so he can eat the heart and "replenish" his wounds, and many more. If you see Link, try to slowly walk away to your apparent appointment on the second day at 7:00 PM. Link will Z-target (sometimes even known to L-target) you for hints on his next move. He has been known to wear several tunics of different colors which include, but are not limited to, red, green, blue, purple, and even the fashionable teal (depending on how shitty your TV is) and pimps shrine-maidens far and wide.
[edit] Whereabouts And How To Deal With Him
If you see this man, call the local guards, and hide in your house with the door barred. It may be useful to break up the key to your two-inch-thick doors, perhaps giving it to a monster of sorts to guard. Plug all holes that Link can shrink into with his Minish Cap. Seal all the windows with airtight, bulletproof lucite. Finally, remove any mounted painted wooden targets on your walls, as well as any ivy and ladders. Take any wooden treasure chests off your roof, instead use steel treasure chests, as Link has been known to be able to grapple onto those as well. Just in case he gets to it, fill the chests with liquid nitrogen spray that freezes anything into ice upon contact. If all else fails throw a Cucoo at the boy. Cuccos are said to be Link's only weakness, for he is known to be tempted into torturing these poor little creatures until they go batshit crazy flying everywhere pecking Link to death. Reward! He was last seen heading towards Mexico and was wildly raving something about the "twilight". (Even though this report supposedly happened at dawn.) Any information leading to the capture of this dangerous criminal will be rewarded with a thousand spankings of love or a thousand worthless crystals. [edit] Extremely Important InformationAt no time whatsoever, let Link Z-Target you, or every projectile will hit you, or be thrown in your general vicinity. You can prevent this by... hell, you can't prevent it. Unless he's using the generic Fairy Z-Target, in which you can just crush the fairy in your hand, which will be easy, since all it does is flit around you in needless circles. You know when you have been Z-Targeted:
[edit] DeathLink was killed by a horde of angry chickens that he repeatedly poked at Lon Lon Ranch. No one was able to get near him because at that moment, the words GAME OVER appeared on the screen. Then, the game reset and Link appeared, humping Malon until she was too orgasmish to get up. This proves that Link cannot die, even if we want him to. [edit] Trivia
[edit] People Link has Battled
[edit] Unrelated LinksThe following are all named "Link" but have no DNA match to this Link. If you encounter these Links on the street, do not be alarmed. They are
[edit] Related LinksThe following may or may not be formally referred to as Link, but do have a DNA match to this Link. If you encounter any of these on the street, run, don't walk to the nearest police station. Don't say I didn't warn you. [edit] See Also
Posted on 07/01/2007 2:29 PM Comments (0)
Tom ServoTom Servo
Tom Servo is a major literary figure of the 20th century, as well as a champion of appliance equal rights. Born as Htom Sirveaux on an assembly line in Cuisinart, France, he fled the country at a young age when appliances who did not conform to government standards were fried at high voltages. He anglicised his name when he published his first major work, the essay, "They Fill My Head With Gum, They Fill Your Head With Lies".
[edit] Career Highlights
In addition to writing over 14 novels and 72 short stories, he taught English classes at the University of Illinois. [edit] Struggle Against OppressionHis career was been hampered at times by critics, who claimed that it was unfair for a robot to have been awarded a PhD in Literature in the first place, let alone be granted a teaching position at a The prejudice was largely silenced following the monumental Data v. Starfleet verdict on Stardate 42523.7, which granted full rights and privileges of self-determination to all sentient small appliances and derivative life forms. [edit] Affair ControversyIn the Spring of 1994, Servo was spotted holding hands with English pop sensation Prince. Rumors of an affair were widely reported in tabloids. While appearing on the Today Show promoting his album Dirty Sex Bomb, Prince commented on the controversy: "Let me just say...he's all man under that hover skirt!" Though questioned about the incidents on multiple occasions, Servo has repeatedly declined comment. [edit] Where Are They Now?™Currently, Servo leads a rather reclusive life in the luxurious bottom drawer of a 3 million dollar nightstand in Minneapols-St. Paul, Minnesota. He lives with his wife, Eva Braun Mixerundblender and their 3 young attachments.
Posted on 07/01/2007 2:28 PM Comments (0)
UnicronUnicronFrom Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Unicron is a large robotic planet, and the third successful attempt at building the Death Star, which subsists primarily on other planets and visits to the "All You Can Eat Buffet" at Sizzler.
[edit] HistoryUnicron is believed to have originated near the sun, where it began eating what my very eager mother just served Unicron: nine planets. It began with Mercury, eating off the candy shell and leaving the hard center observed by Mariner 10. It then moved on to Venus, which gave it gas. It is believed to have consumed all moons of Mercury and Venus as well as all but one of Earth before running out of crackers. Its inability to consume moons without something on which to spread them supports the theory of lunar composition laid down by N. Park, et. al. (See A Grand Day Out) This also explains why Earth has only one moon while Mars, which is clearly much less awesome, has two. Sources have since discovered it was Vin Diesel and not Chuck Norris 'cause I said so, bitch. [edit] Hobbies
Unicron is an avid fisherman, spending much of his free time trying to catch The Big One. Although Unicron is known to go fishing on his own, he far prefers going with his long time fishing buddies Galactus and Omnipotus. Despite being bass fishermen, the three worldeaters recently got last place because he was on his period in a shark fishing tournament off the coast of Martha's Vineyard. [edit] Current WhereaboutsUnicron regularly trades places with Pluto as the third farthest (Dwarf) planet from our sun. It used be a three-way race between Unicron, Pluto, and Donald, but Unicron ate Donald, thought to be the perrenial favorite in the race, which was held annually by the ancient geeks. [edit] WeaknessesUnicron can only be defeated by the holder of the Autobot Matrix of Leadership Or Chuck Norris whichever comes first. Optimus Prime originally held The Matrix, but passed it to Neo immediately prior to dying for our sins. There are rumors that the Matrix was not passed down directly to Neo, but was instead passed to Ultra Magnus, who lost it to Galvatron, who lost it to Hot Rod, who then unleashed the Power of the Matrix, lit our darkest hour, destroyed Unicron, and became the Immortal Son of God, Rodimus Prime, who then didn't want the responsibility and passed it to Neo. This is obviously bullshit because Unicron is still alive and well. At the End of the internet, Skynet comes upon 255.255.255.255. In a attempt to defent itself., it sends the Terminator to 0.0.0.0. As 0.0.0.0 does not exist, Terminator becomes evil's only hope against Unicron. Due to this fluke in alternate alternate realities, the stargates were never created. [edit] Security AdvisoriesBuffer Overflow in Unicron
Posted on 07/01/2007 2:25 PM Comments (0)
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