April 20, 2007The Nintendian Revolution
Famous Quotes from the War
Dylan : MOFUCker, my leg is gone :-( justin: Mofuckar, my dick just got blowed the fuck offf by princess peach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mike j. : Hey little boy, are you lost? Want to come to never never land?
bandit : Zelda, quit humping my asshole bitch
Posted on 04/20/2007 12:35 PM Comments (5)
April 19, 2007Anime (and Physics Below)AnimeFrom Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
[edit] History
Anime was slowly, but carefully invented in 1603 by a man named Oda Nobunaga. Nobunaga was in the twilight of his life, and as his final act of retribution, he invented anime to stem the impending Mongol invasion of Japan. His style was distinctive, and each attribute that he created anime with was meant to cater to certain weaknesses of the Mongol army. For example, the eyes of anime people were intentionally made extremely large, thus tricking invaders into thinking they were in Europe rather than Asia. Disaster averted. Also, in anime, he created really gigantic monsters to destroy everything in their path while attributing their endless and often uneccessarily complex power to the magic of a certain order of elf. Fortunately, due to a rather large tidal wave caused by one of these rather large tentacle monsters, the Mongols all died and Anime had done its deed. But the saga was not to end there! Just when the end seemed near for anime, a Japanese fisherman who didn't wash himself properly was contaminated unknowingly. Anime jumped from one side of the Pacific to another! Wow! It infected the youth! Oh A new era where 16 year old white girls and boys alike tried incessantly to be Asian was born. Japan became a mecca of sorts, with people every day praying to Lords Goku and Inuyasha. Anime creatures were notoriously easy to transcribe for the common n00b. They also had the unique quality of bringing about the appearance to be of high quality art. Inasmuch as many teenage youths have brainwashed themselves into thinking they can draw and thus pollute the internet tubes with bad drawings on crappy fan art websites, the anime problem has become increasingly common. Victims of acute anime syndrome subsequently get an urge to congregate in hotels for days on end so they can hold gigglefests while watching Bleach and talk about how Byakuya is OMG SO HOT!!1!11 At this point, the disease is well entrenched, and has the potential to become chronic, but reports are in existence that say that inherently sane people can finally overcome the malaise. [edit] Safe use of AnimeLike all imported goods, anime should be taken in moderation. When blended with other hobbies, like reading, going outside, and people, anime can be a safe, fun, even beneficial part of your everyday life. However, if you commit the sin of gluttony (which, by its nature, is deadly), you can die. Your body begins to reject anything non Japanese, which in turn leads you to eat nothing but sushi and anime, and then you get food poisoning (augmented by the cut ties to the outside world inherent in anime addiction). You must follow the rules outlined below if you have hope of survival:
[edit] Manufacturing processThough originally drawn by hand, most modern anime is generated automatically by computer programs with little to no human intervention. Typically, the anime creation process begins with a title, which are generated by a random number algorithm that matches several random negative decimals with their cooresponding words. Consequently, most titles are comprised of words that have absolutely nothing to do with each other and make no sense when put together. Examples include Neon Genesis Evangelion (translation: Brightly Colored Creation Robotic Evangelist), Cowboy Bebop (translation: I'm sorry, I don't know what the hell a cowboy bebop is), Fullmetal Alchemist (this is one of the few that demonstrates mere redundancy [ie: Alchemists generally work only with full metal] as opposed to actual idiocy), Mobile Suit Gundam (translation: Giant Robot With Suit That Moves), Steel Angel Kurumi (this one baffles many, as angels are generally associated with things not at all related to steel. The inclusion of the main character's name in the title simply shows lack of originality, moving back to the random number generators), Primary Sunspot Manager Junichiro Koizumi Purple Monkey Dishwasher (....), Love Hina, and Tide). A screenplay generator then uses the same random negative decimals from the title generator to select a subgenre. A sampling of the current subgenres in the vast anime machine follows:
Often the storyline that is generated has nothing to do with the title or any of the words in it (for example, Primary Sunspot Manager Junichiro Koizumi Purple Monkey Dishwasher is a classic revenge tale). Next, characters must be developed. As previously noted, female characters are often there to be unusually voluptuous and/or to be the primary McGuffin driving the protagonist. Often they have no character. Male anime characters must have the intellectual characteristics of celery and yet be able to recite various page-long incantations of the inherent "magic" of the comic at whim (an example of such incantations can be roughly translated as "Destroy Kill Don't Maim But Destroy Kill Bad Man of Bad Not Goodness of Death Who Shall Die Now!"). Specialized drawing and animation programs add artwork to the story, featuring hair colors not found in nature and large, glistening, creepy eyes the size of hubcaps. This gives the Asians a distinctly Anglo-Saxon look often not found in actual Asians (the original purpose). These elements, required by local, national, and UN law (the last of which is the least important), are Japan's attempt at "Americanizing" their culture. Finally, the screenplay must be passed through a sophisticated sleaze program which adjusts the depravity level of the production to conform to industry standard requirements for sexual perversity. This is measured by the Dichter Scale, which is an exponential scale. Anime found to have a rating lower than 8 is considered not at all Japanese and must be increased before mainstream sale can occur. Anime that is exported to Western countries goes through an additional production step, wherein the voices are dubbed by English-speaking voice actors that are put through a screening process to weed out any sort of talent from the pool. [edit] Subgenres of Anime[edit] Hentai
Hentai is the most popular sub-genre of anime. It is essentially paper pr0n. Hentai is lovingly crafted by horny Japanese men, who have the ability to create characters that look like they're 5 yet are perfectly legal. (note, seeing as Japan is bat fuck insane, this might not be saying much, as the legal age could very possibly be 5. Sick bastards). At first, it seems like a godsend, with perfectly proportioned people doing perfectly proportioned things. But, like weed, you start using it more and more, and you will one day crash, waking up and finding yourself, genitalia in hand, beating off to a cartoon. [edit] Lolicon[ See Hentai, but younger ] 
[edit] Robots in SpaceThe Robots in Space subgenre is fairly common, encompassing such marvels of originality as Robotech, Xenosaga, and all 18,000 variants of Gundam. The clever storywriters in the Japanese studios realized that writing an original story was completely optional, and simply rehashing the same story over and over again with slightly redesigned characters and a few name changes would bring in enormous profit. For a similar phenomenon, see the Final Fantasy series. This subgenre is unique in which there are no fictional devices at all. Everything depicted in the series has been invented and tested by Japanese scientists under Kyoto. The subgenre is marked by intense battle scenes involving mobile suits, spaceships, space stations, and mobile suits. The character layout usually has a military general, a cute rebel chick, and oddly emotional mobile suit pilots. Also, there is usually some guy with a mask. And the epaulette wearing slightly gay one because the robots usually have inter course with your mom after. [edit] InnuendoThe innuendo subgenre was created to satisfy the market segment of lonely Japanese men, and through clever licensing, white teenagers. This subgenre encompasses such sophisticated titles as Love Hina and Chobits. These shows were specifically formulated to make as many sex-related plot points as it took to make every viewer shut off the television or computer monitor off every 30 seconds in embarassment, only to turn it back on and get turned on again. This cycle repeats, giving the series an artificially elongated and developed story. Shows in the subgenre usually contain ample amounts of humor, in an attempt to help viewers justify their awkward laughter when caught watching these shows by parents or sane friends. 
[edit] Samurai/NinjaThe Samurai/Ninja subgenre, including such intellectual blockbusters as Naruto and Bleach, are pretty much the same thing every time, but with a different name and weapons layout (like First-person shooters). These usually involve a man, a weapon, and some dark evil being. To save you time, all of these can be summarized in a paragraph: Once upon a time, there was a person/thing whose lot in life is loneliness. He/she/it becomes entrenched in a battle between good and evil. He/she/it squares off against one enemy, who beats them. He/she/it trains with the force/magic in a montage/season-long story arc. He/she/it fights hordes of proletariat underlings to big enemy. He/she/it fights big enemy. He/she/it wins. The enemy delivers long-winded/heartfelt/piteous monologue before dying. Hero walks away. Enemy's eyes open to menacing music. End. [edit] MonologueThe monologue subgenre, embodied by Dragonball Z, takes the last three sentences or so of the Samuri subgenre, and extends it for episodes on end. Often, one might find oneself wondering what the initial conversation was about, and, indeed, what the characters are fighting about in the first place. It is here that the following realizations hit the sane people who don't take anime: 1) The object/being/power/benevolence/malevolence/foodstuffs that is/are being fought for in this situation is a meaningless McGuffin, and 2) C-Span is, by comparison, riveting white knuckle action. [edit] Examples of Anime[edit] Naruto
Naruto is a popular anime series about a white kid with ADD, OCD, and every other mental disorder known to man (traits which are often shared with its fanbase), this white kid's name is Naruto (hence the title). There is also a talentless broad named Sakura who has an unbreakable crush on Sasuke, an emo kid who tries to act all mysterious and deep, but he's only a crybaby because his older brother slaughtered his family and killed everyone he ever held dear. ( He may cut with kunai while we're not looking. ) Tough shit. Like nearly every other anime in existence, through Naruto's stupid bumbling, he suddenly pulls out large quantities of awesome out of his ass and saves the day, only to look like a moron because of his obsession with ramen. In America, Naruto is known for his lovable catch-phrase, "Believe it!", which no one ever tires of. Ever. Naruto, though looking like a fool, is somehow invincible. He has been referred to as "invinciperv" because the of his tendency of going into the girls change room looking like a girl. While in there, he is hit with everything from toilettes to fruit until he leaves. He then defaces the local Mount Rushmore ripoff so he can take away the pain. Throughout the series Naruto faces conflicting emotions with the demon fox inside him. This is perfectly common. An evil organization known as Akatsuki tries to capture those who picked them last during kickball. One such unfortunate being is Sasuke's brother Itachi, he is known to have mastered the ability of slaughtering your own family of super nerds. [edit] Fullmetal Alchemist
Fullmetal Alchemist is about a fat emo midget named Edward and his brother Alphonse. One day, Al was baking a cake, but the incompetent loser forgot to preheat the oven, and was sucked in and killed. Ed, finding him trapped by ever expanding dough, drew a pretty picture on some armor, and Al became a communist robot. They then traveled the world searching for the Sorceror's Stone, to prevent the resurrection of Dark Lord Voldemort, only to discover that you have to be a homocidal goth named Sephiroth to resurrect the dead/perform alchemy on humans. The series is marked by painfully long monologues and loads and loads of emo crap. Although most FullMetal Alchemist fans won't admit it, they actually hate most of the episodes, and are just sitting through hours of pointless oration waiting the brief, mediocre scenes involving Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye, which the show is lauded for. [edit] FLCL
(Stands for Fruit Loops Cause Liver problems.) Shinji Watanabe wondered how much crack he could possibly do in 24 hours. This anime was the result. Watanabe wrote, directed, and hand-drew every frame of this anime in sixteen seconds, before bursting into flames. Extended exposure to this particular series may cause a mixture of phleghm and pus to fire out of your eye sockets(or possibly your balls can fall out). [edit] Tentacle High
EDITOR'S NOTE: Though confusing to foreigners, this show is understandable if one is aware of a vital aspect of Japanese society: Drugs are legal in Japan. It's not uncommon for people to spike each other's drinks as a way of breaking the ice. It's like a handshake, except you can do it multiple times, with all your friends helping. The show's protagonist, Kisa-chan, is an elementary-schooler admitted to high school because of her prodigious IQ. Unfortunately, this causes jealousy on the part of some of the other students, who decide to pull a prank on her by summoning the Enola Gay to destroy the good times. However, intead of summoning the Enola Gay, they accidentally summon an African Giraffe, who is still in the midst of puberty and very, VERY high. Hilarity ensues. [edit] Fan-generated bull[edit] AMVs
AMV is short for Angry Mormon Video. AMVs are the byproduct of lack of productivity. Their natural habitat is YouTube, though they can also live in PCs, Macs, temperate forests, and in court rooms if the need arises. Nearly all AMVs contain randomly picked (within the whinge-rock genre) music and AMV creators often get in fistfights with music producers as a result. Sometimes these fistfights errupt into full fledged galactic wars that end with catacalysmic results. _++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_______________________________ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Laws of Anime PhysicsFrom Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
[edit] Origin
The Laws of Anime Physics were found along with the laws of normal physics by Isaac Newton. When anime was discovered in a cave in Feudal Japan by Tsoa Moyazaki or some other name you read past because it's complete babble to you, the date was somewhere between 450 and 500 AD. Moyazaki, after perilous study of the back-to-front books, traveled to the land of Patents where he patented anime. [edit] Tsoa's StudiesUpon studying the books, he realized a few things. Of course, this wasn't everything to realize, but it was a ground to work on for the laws that were found many centuries later.
[edit] Mass ProductionMoyazaki used each and every one of these atrributes to make a huge profit. He realized he could sell such things as pornography for the men, and extremely complicated love stories for children. In 521 AD, he started mass-producing these erotic pieces of literature with pictures, and he was a millionaire ever since. [edit] Discovery of the LawsIn the few years before 1669, while Isaac Newton was furthering his research on the Laws of Physics, he probably got drunk and bought a few now-world-popularized manga books. This is disputed, as nobody really knows how he acquired such things, but another theory is that he was a nerd in the first place. Regardless, he started studying manga books, and found the simple laws that make the manga reality different from ours. On August 5, 1669 he announced to the world that he had an official list of physics that applied to manga. This discovery is what bolstered others to give him their money so he could go on to discover more ACTUAL laws of physics and invent more things. [edit] The Laws of Anime PhysicsSo...We have explained to you the history of manga, the life of Tsao Moyazaki, the works of Isaac Newton, and the becomings of these laws. So, finally, we will be able to introduce the Laws of Anime Physics (in 3-D). [edit] Main Characters, Villains, and General (F)laws
[edit] Women and Love
[edit] Unexplainable Phenomena
Posted on 04/19/2007 7:15 PM Comments (10)
Chuck Norris
chuck used to sell crack in the process. In 1968, Chuck fought and won the World Professional MiddleWeight Karate championships by defeating the World's Top Fighters, which included Batman, Superman, Butt Knocker, TMNT, Big Boss, Tintin, Popeye, Bruce Wayne, Shaq, Aaron Carter, Stalin, all of G-Unit, Tupac Shakur, George Bush, Mr. T, all of New York City, Gerald Ford, Godzilla, and even his shadow form (shadow link after being fired from the video game business and needing a new form took his). He held that title until 1974 when he retired undefeated. The only guy that could kick his ass was Muhammad Ali. Apart from headbutting bears and using hippies as firewood and sleeping with Jessica Alba, Angelina Jolie and Eva Longoria (at the same time), Chuck Norris utilises his sparetime standing/sitting around kicking pure ass. That's right he kicks ass even when not kicking ass. He just sits on a lawn chair winking at random people, who naturally implode from the awesomeness and gratitude, cause of the fact that he spent time recognising their existence. He also likes walking and being awesome, but favors kicking ass while just standing there. Even when sleeping he kicks general ass (some in, and some out, of dreams). Since then he has played a major part in almost every historical and mythical event known to humanity, and many yet to come. Examples include:
Now Chuck Norris mostly spends his time doing various things, on his ranch with his family, saving the universe from various foes, helping charities, endangering the world himself every time he coughs, and beating up anybody who pisses him off, which happens a lot. Another one of his favorite past times is "flexing the Bow" and doing numerous info-mercials with super mega-babes. He is also kept busy running his own country, Chucknorrisland. He is a hero in every sense of the word, showing courage, strength, wisdom, honour, mercy, compassion, and even the occasional streak of raw passion. [edit] Chuck Norris Is GodForget what the church says, chuck norris only lets god be god while he's making new Walker Texas Ranger Episodes! [edit] Early Life
Not much is known about Chuck Norris' childhood before his legendary roundhouse kick came alive, either because anyone around during that time is dead or biographers asking Chuck Norris about his childhood have died for some reason. There are many theories as to how he came into existence. Some think that he was born feet first so he could kick the doctor in the face the moment he was born, while others theorize he punched his way out of his mothers womb only moments after he was conceived. The most commonly accepted theory to his coming to being is that he had no mother, as crawling out of a woman's vagina is unbecoming of a man's stature. Chuck Norris rather spontaneously came into existence ex nihilio on Karl Marx's birthday, this is no coincidence as Chuck Norris is the polar opposite of communism; he is so American that when he gets interrupted during sex he gets red white and blue balls. As a child Chuck Norris was a shy individual, who was often tormented for his Irish-Cherokee-Korean-Japanese-Jujitsu-Whatever-Else-Is-Awesome-About-Him background. Historians and scientists believe that Chuck Norris let his anger build up inside of him until the world's gravitational power could no longer support him, resulting in a massive explosion which created the rest of the known universe. Because of this outburst, Chuck had to attended an anger management class when he was only four. This specially designed class only had two pupils in it, him and The Hulk. [edit] Personal Life
Chuck Norris unfortunately does not have much time for a personal life. Making sensual love to thousands of women a day while battling various titans and causing other forms of chaos does not leave him any time to enjoy the finer things in life or simply have fun like a normal person. Chuck Norris managed to fix this problem when he discovered that all he had to do was threaten Father Time that he would kill him and his family if he didn’t give Chuck more time. Now Chuck himself decides what time it is, and is free to go bowling with his friends, have sex with his own wife, do some work around the ranch, kill some grues, repopulate endangered species, hunt endangered species, and when he has time, visit his friend God for their bi-monthly arm wrestling tournament. But unfortunately Chuck and God do not get along often. First of all Chuck always beats God, and unlike god, he DOES play with dice, and he DOES believe in coincidence because he actually creates all coincidence around the world...by playing with dice! He is also undisputed leader of own his own country, Spain II: The Revenge. Spain II was primarily a POW camp, but was then turned into a country by Franco, a childhood enemy of Chuck Norris. Norris decided one day he wanted his own country to begin his World Domination, so he smashed the gates to the country and killed all the Nazis inside with his bare hands, doing this whilst he was talking on his mobile phone to order a pizza to be delivered for his victory. He threw everyone out who had a bicep diameter of less than 30cm (12 in) and started his own race of superhumans. 
Chuck also enjoys spending time with the troops as well as others who can comprehend his manliness to the slightest degree. The only other such individuals are: lumberjacks, ninjas, pirates, Mr. T, Bruce Lee, God, Firemen, Vin Diesel (who is really Chuck Norris without his beard), and a man named Ernest Heegard. Chuck Norris has sampled every and all hobbies available. He abolished some from the face of the Earth (x-treme quilting), while others he made known the world round(baby seal clubbing). Chuck personally likes to consume the souls of his enemies and go to hell to kick Hitler in the balls. The souls of those unlucky few who are eaten by Chuck are put to the impossible task of getting through his digestive tract in one piece. So far no one has made it out. The failures are disposed of in a sort of play-doh fun factory way. [edit] Inventory/Trademarks
Chuck Norris has a wide variety of attacks and signature moves. A list is as follows.
[edit] Those who may be able to defeat Chuck
Glenn Danzig is currently the only man to have ever beaten Chuck Norris in anything There are some forces that could potentially cause a small threat to Chuck Norris. Steven Seagal for instance, possesses the same kind of hard faced, pure badassness in his films as Chuck Norris does, but the outcome of a battle between them depends on various factors. For example if Steven Seagal shaved off his ponytail, he could no longer hope to even harm the Chuck, and if Chuck Norris was to shave his beard he would be hard pressed to win. Other actors who also produce the same kind of stone faced, pure awesome, hard arsed raw action flicks as Chuck Norris are also potential threats, such as Jean Claude Van Damme, Clint Eastwood, Christopher Walken, Vin Diesel, Sylvester Stallone, Daniel Craig, and Tony Jaa, but provide a smaller level of threat. the only time in recoreded time that chuck norris ever cried was in the 70's when he lost a guitar playing contest to Jimmy Page AKA "The ONE". In retaliation, Chuck throttled Page, and played Free Bird with his vocal cords. Music experts agree that this version was superior to the original Lynyrd Skynyrd version. It is theorised by some guy that if Mr. T and Chuck Norris ever fought, the entire universe would implode around them, since it could not possibly contain that level of sheer awesome. This theory was the subject of the film "Chuck Norris Vs. Mr T. - The Final Battle" in 2023. If Samuel L. Jackson and Morgan Freeman ever starred in the same movie they would create a being equal to the power of Chuck Norris. This creature would be called Samuel L. Freeman. An epic battle would ensue and the earth would implode killing everyone but Samuel L. Freeman, Chuck Norris ,Bruce Lee, and Mr.T. It is worth noting that if Sam Fisher and Solid Snake teamed up with Captain America, they could potentially possess the power to defeat Chuck Norris, however, this cannot be proved as they are fictional characters. It can also no longer be conceived as Chuck Norris recently took over Marvel and killed Captain America with a fatal spinning Roundhouse Kick. Apparently, if Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jonah Lomu and The Hulk were to join forces, they could actually cut a single hair of Chuck's beard using a pair of garden shears. Of course, this would only be possible whilst Chuck was undergoing one of his many fetish's, for example a giant naked leprechaun slowly caressing Chuck's nasal hair, or watching his immortal parents participating in sexual intercourse of the anal variety. There are also a number of deceased individuals who are rumored to have possibly been able to defeat Chuck, such as Jesus, Bruce Lee, Erwin Rommel, John Lennon, George Washington, Rocky Marciano, Barney, Erica Terpstra, her son Zanger Bob, and not to forget James Brown and the greatSteve Irwin . However, it is impossible for them to prove this in their current state. (Chuck having gone back in time to kill them as children.) There is a little known fact that, even God and Satan are scared of The Legend, and, if he wanted to, Chuck could overpower both heaven and hell at the same time, from the comfort of his hammock outside his holiday home on top of Mt. Everest. It is rumored that either Jack Bauer or MacGyver may hold the key to defeating Chuck Norris, but as all three of these men share the same goals and same basic methodology (destroying their foes through sheer inconceivable awesomeness) there is little chance that such an impossibly destructive war in heaven could ever take place. In addition, many Canadians claim that Chuck Norris could be killed, at the hands of impossibly awesome person Rick Mercer. It has also been reported that Indiana Jones is unable to accept the fact that he is not as strong as Norris, and may challenge him to a one-on-one rematch from the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. According to Legend, when the unstoppable force hits the unmovable object, it will cause the demise of Chuck Norris, but as Chuck Norris IS both the unstoppable force and the unmovable object, this is not conceivable. Apparently, if this group of people joined forces, they COULD pose a threat to Chuck Norris, according to the Lemon Demon: Gandalf the Grey, Gandalf the White, Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Night, Benito Mussolini, the Blue Meanie, Cowboy Curtis, Jambi the Genie, Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk, Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston, Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock,Leroy Jenkins,and Hulk Hogan. This battle has been prophisised to take place in a future battle called the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. If Chuck Norris ever became evil, then Avenged Sevenfold and Metallica teaming up would be our only hope, for the fact that IF Chuck Norris would ever turn evil, then it would revese the religous and political stance of both bands and they would be against Chuck Norris. but this is unconceivable for the fact that if the two bands did reverse stances, then the universe would disappear for the fact that Avenged Sevenfold and Metallica not being evil would be inpossible...but then again we could always call upon Bruce Campbell. If he indeed went evil and became the 'Anti-Norris - there is myth that an ancient incantation is hidden well in the depths of Norris own fortress of solitude that if such a event ever happened - (which of course never would) that the only way to defeat the 'Anti-Norris' would be to get him, through the temptation of Smax cereal (the only food the Anti-Norris chooses to eat) into a WWE steel cage match and then with the combined might of the Ultimate Warrior, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Superfly Jimmy Snuka, Macho King Randy Savage, Mick Foley and Brutus the Barber Beefcake and using the ancient forces of evil (on loan from Mumm-Ra), the Sword of Omens, the Power of Grayskull, GEM, G-Force the entire GI Joe Squad, all the Silverhawks, Unicron and using Speed Racer who would be piloting Voltron to channel through all this awesome power they just might be able to have the skill to be able to 'chuck' Chuck of a top of a cage - and through a Spanish announcers table. On saying that this would of course only stun him for a nano-second..nothing more. If this didnt work and the 'Anti Chuck' was ever unleashed no power on earth (or the known universe) could ever really stop him...apart from Chuck Norris himself It has been speculated that, of course, a fight between any of the characters/persons listed above and Chuck Norris is purely hypothetical, for if any of them got close enough to battle Chuck Norris, the area would explode. A square mile simply cannot hold so much awesomeness. The only person who could realisticly defeat Chuck Norris is The Big Man, the Ultimite Problem solver and peace keeper, respected by all, Who helps the wronged and punishes the wrong. Keeper of the stalemate between Chuck Norris and Mr T. He is the only person Garenteed never to be attacked by Chuck Norris, but it has been well known that this mysterious man is the only one strong enough to be a match. It's a true known fact, that Chuck Norris is too Badass to be beaten. Just look at the toilet paper he uses. [edit] Adventures
Chuck Norris has been on countless adventures, here is an appetiser of some of his accomplishments. [edit] A Typical Day in the Life of Chuck NorrisNote: This section will not list the more minor sexual encounters and asses he kicks each day, for if they were to be mentioned, the list would likely use up all the tubes of the internet. Chuck Norris starts his day like every red blooded man, with a giant boner. After rubbing one out because his wife is far too tired from their last nights wild supersex, Chuck Norris gets out of bed to go and do a gigantic two flush mega shit, which more often then not ends up breaking the U-bend of the toilet. He will then wipe his ass with intercepted letters to Santa. Chuck Norris then after getting dressed because he is tired of the large crowd of women following his around, drooling over his body, Chuck Norris prepares and eats his healthy breakfast, which consists of eating dynamite and shitting gunpowder. He then gathers this gunpowder to make a bullet which he will use to kill something latter on in the day for his lunch. He then flosses his teeth with barbed wire. Chuck Norris will then bring in his mail using the Spear of Destiny as an envelope opener. Chuck Norris not only stays up to date on current events but future ones as well so he can spoil the endings of new Harry Potter books before they are even written. Chuck Norris then head-butts his front door into splinters and proceeds to go to work. His job, of course, is kicking random peoples asses, Chuck Norris is self employed. On the way home from work, Chuck Norris will stop by the hardware store and buy a new front door and toilet U-bend. While he installs these (simply by staring at them) his wife will go off at him for wrecking them in the first place, to which he does not listen to her nagging, instead he just beats her... with his gigantic weiner. Then to make it up to his wife, Chuck Norris will have wild hyper super-sonic-sex with her, while working out on his total Gym, fighting any present ninjas, and playing with his kids. The latter has been disputed however, as no woman has yet been found with the strength to bear the super strenght of Chuck's children for the required 10 years (that much awseome needs time to develop). In the evenings Chuck Norris likes to sit in the dark and silently pray that his enemies get cancer, before going to bed and waiting, because Chuck Norris does not sleep, he waits. [edit] The ChukakikacoatlThe discovery of the Chukakikacoatl can be attributed to a well known but fanatically ignored fact about Chuck Norris - that his real name is 'Chuk', and not 'Chuck'. Armed with thus knowledge, many excited and unfortunate individuals proceeded to address him as Chuk (rhymes with 'book'), as opposed to Chuk (rhymes with buck, or Chuck) - eventually losing their lives to a 'you-know-what'(roundhouse kick, duh!) The obvious truth about the matter is that Chuk is pronounced as Chuck (rhymes with Chuck) but spelled as Chuk. The reason - the 'c' is physically silent (absent from the spelling), but linguistically present (included in the pronunciation). Deeply intrigued by this seemingly grammatical anomaly and partly envious of Chuk's multi-syllabic name, Mr. T was known to secretly fund a team of cunning linguists devoted to researching the matter further. The team met with remarkable success and discovered that a wise ancient race amongst Mayans worshiped an avatar of Chuk, called Chukakikacoatl, which resembled a feathered Chuk Norris. Alas, Chuk Norris did not take kindly to this. In full plume, Chuk swiftly eliminated the time-traveling grammar gurus before they could return to our own time with the news, leaving Mr. T to file for bankruptcy. Furthermore, in our own time, anthropologists and other misguided intelligentsia blamed the massacre as ritual sacrifice purported by the otherwise jolly Mayans, resulting in their sometimes unfair portrayal. [edit] The Norris Powers: "The World Against Chuck Norris"As you well know, The Norris Powers were a massive force in the War of the Worlds, the first one. Two other sides, Allies and Central Powers. The Norris Powers of course was no force to be reckoned with. The Norris Nation, located deep in the Indian Ocean, (Chuck Norris doesn't need to breathe) could not take the world not acknowledging Chuck Norris as supreme ruler of the world. While those silly Allies and silly Central Powers fought in their silly World War I, good ol' Chuck took this as an advantage to take over the world. ('course, he didn't HAVE to attack them then, he could attack them anytime and win! Don't you dare question the Great Norris!) So Fuhrer Norris sent the most norristorious fighting force that ever spawned from the bowls of hell: THE TEXAS RANGERS. It was a massacre. The rangers just glanced at enemy soldiers and they just die from their awesome, and sexy looks. The Norris Powers took every country one by one, until... Jack Bauer stood in his way from taking over the world. Two Gods. Only one Earth. Quickly, they both transformed into some anime gigantic robots. The fight lasted one trillion years. Chuck won and then when home.. Word on the street is that notorious wizard Voldemort, has resurrected both of the men... [edit] Chuck Norris and the ApocalypseRecently discovered religious texts have discovered that Chuck Norris is destined to enter into an apocalyptic final battle with Mr. T to determine who will be the ultimate power in the universe, as well as the rightful heir to inherit the position of God because, let's face it, that bastard's gotten lazy. According to these texts, Chuck Norris and Mr. T have been eternal rivals, their battles transcending time and space, causing such travesties as the Holocaust, the fall of the Roman Empire, and Paris Hilton. In recent times, Mr. T has claimed a victory over Norris, causing him to retreat into a hole of cowardice and gather his minions. It is unclear when this battle will take place, whether it will be in a few days or several million years. It is known, however, that when the time does come, the sky will turn red and split open, releasing a rain of fire and brimstone. The seas will melt away (yeah, they will become... more liquid... than usual), and the ground will become devoid of plant and animal life. After 8 days and 12 minutes, the two will meet on a sacred battlefield, currently Jersey, and their battle will last for months. Any man or woman that comes too close to this battle will instantly melt. Though it is not known who will eventually win this fight, it is known that the world will crumble into nothingness, and Saint Peter will be very pissed off at all the new arrivals at the Pearly Gates, claiming that he "...only had five goddamn minutes until his break." [edit] The NorrisForce: "Galactus Vs Chuck Norris"Jumping realities and having just 'done' the invisible woman, while kicking the Things ass with a mega-awesome roundhouse kick Chuck was merrily going about his usual day of being cool, wiping the floor with ninjas and taking out the entire Cobra Kai when all of a sudden from between the clouds (that Chuck had created with is tears) came the Silver Surfer - the chromed herald of the planet eating Galactus. Upon seeing the inpending potential doom that this might cause, with the world potentially being eaten and all (and in turn putting Chuck out slightly from his planned week of ass-kickery) Chuck of course high kicked into battle. Weilding the power cosmic the Silve Surfer thought that nothing could stop him, but of course he had never encountered the Norrisforce which Chuck used to melt the surfer into a shiny new set of cuff-links. Upon hearing his Herald had been smelted down to a fashion accessory Galactus was well not pleased and headed to earth to confront Chuck man to man. Upon seeing the awesome power of Chuck and respecting his full man-ly-ness (in a non gay way) and respecting his facial hair prowess Galactus offered Chuck the position as his new Herald. Upon hearing this offer Chuck leaped up, knocking the giant purple helmet off Galactus, not not the one on his head, that would be too easy for Chuck, insead he went for the 'other' purple hemlet and in turn caused Galactus wiener to shatter into a million alien-cock pieces ultimately turning Galactus into a cloud (or something equally shitty in the new movie). And lo it was that mighty Galactus was defeated by trying to take over the earth and even worse offending Chuck!! - Chuck is nobodies Herald! - The ultimate universal power of the NorrisForce will forever protect us, the mere mortals of the universe from other cosmic based bad guys such as Ming the merciless, Kenny G, The Hoff and Emo music. Triumphant Chuck then jumped into the sky, tearing through the dimensional barrier with a flick of his eyebrow and then proceeded to kicked Superman, Batman, Lobo, the entire JLA, Lex Luthor, Doomsday and every good and bad guys ass in every know comic universe just for the fun of it, only stopping his ramapge to 'Do' Wonder Woman and that hottie from Gen13 who were both grateful to recieve the manly seed of the Norris. [edit] Chuck and the Hiroshima bombDuring the Second World War, the USA were looking for a way to scare the crap out of the Japanese. So, after a bit of research, they realised that there were two options: Chuck Norris or the atomic bomb. First, they decided to send Chuck, because it was cheaper than making an atomic bomb, but there were some moral questions that surfaced later. Many people didn't consider it human, as it was certain that there will be lots of dead people, and their deaths were going to be slow. So the government decided to nuke Hiroshima in order to decrease the number of casualties. [edit] GUNThe INGO G.U.N. is currently trying to hire Chuck Norris. [edit] Chuck the sports heroChuck unexpected turned up in the West Indies while the 2007 Cricket world cup was being played. South Africa captain Graeme Smith was pushed aside after their last few losses and the now South African sport hero was urgently introduced as the new captain. South Africa skittled England for 154 on Tuesday and then rattled off the target with more than 30 overs and nine wickets to spare in a match which was effectively a knockout quarterfinal. The team is really on a high now, the momentum is good. I think if I was not brought into this game they would have lost and with it the dreams of being the top cricket team in the world, at least they now still stand a chance" Chucky told a news conference. Smith the ex-captain said that the victory in a must-win match had put to bed the talk of his team as 'chokers' under pressure; if we did not introduce Chuck as our trump card we would have lost this fatal game It was pretty emotional at the end of the game as can be seen with the picture below. 
[edit] Trivia
A quote from said song: “Faster than a bullet, Terrifying scream, Enraged and full of anger, He's half man and half machine” Other artists that have followed this trend have been Slayer, Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden.
When Chuck Norris needs to go to the bathroom They call it a fountain of youth
Posted on 04/19/2007 6:37 PM Comments (1)
Gods Thoughts on Pirates[edit] God on Pirates
Posted on 04/19/2007 6:26 PM Comments (1)
Pirates VS NinjaPirates versus NinjasFrom Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
[edit] The IntroIn the year 20 AD, a clan of Ninjas went out to prove that they could beat a ship of Pirates. They wanted to try out their new sock weapons. They attacked what they thought was a pirate ship, but it turned out to be owned by Admiral Ackbar. It was full of Adam West clones. The ninjas started to flip out, and start killing people using their socks, only to meet with failure because the ninjas chose to use method 2 instead of method 1 in trying to kill off the Adam West clones. The clones bled on the Ninjas, bit them, and 30 of them healed up and used summoning powers to summon 30 more clones, and the rest farted massive amounts of methane gas through their newly made wounds. After this miserable defeat, the Ninjas decided to regroup. Meanwhile a band of Pirates led by the Ghost of Maddox, who died in 1993, stormed the headquarters and elected leader of the Liberal Pirates of Russia. Deciding to take the ship commanded by Admiral Ackbar and tried to take it over. Maddox had slightly different tactics, and ordered his Pirates to do ear twisting aka method 3 to fight the Adam West clones. Badly in need of ear transplants, the clones escaped the ship and headed for nearby Quahog, where the original Adam West lived and the headquarters for the ear transplant institute was located. This angered the Ninjas, how dare the Pirates defeat a crew that the Ninjas could not defeat. This lead to a bitter war between all Pirates and Ninjas. [edit] It is farging war!Nobody knows who fired the first shot or threw the first shuriken or twirled the first moustache or flipped out first and started killing people, but it was a bloody and messy war. It lasted longer than you'd think. A lot of people died, but then they decided to have a do-over because a car was coming and the Pirates were not ready. Then a lot more people died, but then the Pirates accused the Ninjas of bribing the officials. The officials called a time-out, and the Pirates appealed to the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court found that the bribe was Unconstitutional and that some of the dead needed to be brought back to life. Then Judge Judy was called in, and found for the Ninjas that there was no bribe, and that the dead need to stay dead. Then Judge Reinhold found that both Judge Judy and the Supreme Court were both wrong, and that all the dead needed to come back to life, and the war had to be started all over again. [edit] War, againThis time, the Ninjas flipped a coin, called heads, and it came up tails. The Pirates got to choose the type of battle, and so they decided for a Break dancing contest. There was much dancing, and both sides scored a lot of points with the judges. Even the Adam West clones joined in, after their ear transplants, they looked different and nobody knew it was them anyway. The judges called the contest off, as the Adam West clones were party crashers. Had this not happened, the pirates would have most-likely won the contest. It is little known fact that the Pirates then had their own break dancing competition on their ship, resulting in much Bloodshed [edit] Sigh, war, yet againOk, it gets better from here. The Pirate Liberation Organization, a branch of the Pirates of the Caribbean decided to join the war as ringers for the Liberal Pirates. The Ninjas were upset, so they got out their cell phones and called in a favor for the Clinjas to help them out in this war. Both sides needed new weapons, so the only list they had was the List of weapons that don't exist, but should, since they weren't invented yet, they had to postpone the big war. They agreed to keep in touch and attack each other via debates in email and public forums. [edit] Sigh, Sigh, War, War, Yet, Yet, Again, AgainThe email debates eventually led to years of prosperity. The Ninja took advantage of this prosperity to attain advanced degrees in Mathematics. Pirates, constrained by having dropped out of High School, went back to what pirates did before the ninja wars - drink milk. With their vast knowledge and the power of Ninjutsu, the ninja derived the now famous Weekend proof, which they believed gave them an upper-hand over their bitter rivals. The ninjas struck first and combined with the devastation wrought by global warming, nearly destroyed Pirates as we know them. But before they could succeed, a core set of Weekend pirates emerged - pirates who too were versed in the magical proof. These pirates valiantly fought off the Ninja - the fighting was so brutal, intense, exquisite and complicated that an interdimensional portal opened to a mirror universe. Now there were two of everything, including mother-in-laws. Seeing the destruction their sword fighting had caused, the Ninja and Pirates forged an uneasy truce and succeeded in closing the portal. [edit] PeaceFinally they reached a peace treaty. It lasted for 15 seconds, before George W. Bush decided to get involved as a uniter between the Ninjas and Pirates He used his psychic powers on them, but it only made them mad. Then a Cylon invasion force lead by Tom Cruise came in and started killing people. The Pirates blamed the Ninjas for the Cylons and the Ninjas blamed the Pirates. It was all a plot by George W. Bush and Adam West to steal oil from Iraq and Canada and blame the Ninjas and Pirates. George W. Bush and Adam West paid off the Cylons to attack. Tom Cruise was just in it to impress Oprah. [edit] The AftermathThe bitter rivalry still exists between Pirates and Ninjas. It is now a matter of honor, revenge, and kitten huffing. They still fight, to this very day. Nobody knows when it will end, nobody knows exactly how it got started. Nobody takes responsibility for it at all. It was one big pay per view event, and ratings went through the roof. When they meet on the street, a Pirate and a Ninja will stare at each other for hours, waiting for the other one to make a move. Then one will say to the other, "Just you wait until the list of weapons that don't exist, but should get made, and then we can finish this war!" Then they make fun of your mom and Richard Simmons and throw cheese at each other, then they walk away angry, but determined to finish the war some day. [edit] Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and the Ninja-Pirate Assembly of GodAfter the first thousand years of the universe, which were ruled by Hominus Caveus Dinosaurus Dominus, the "cave-men-who-dominated-the-dinosaurs", and ended when these men hunted the dinosaurs to extinction, there came a time of great political unrest. It was then, now four thousand years ago, that the ninja-pirate rift began; however, it is stated in the book of Prong, that a small group of pirates, and a smaller group of ninjas, never forgot the covenant of the flying spaghetti monster. The FSM wanted all of his violent children to play for the same team, and get together for a cheesy Italian feast every Friday night. These disciples of the true god held true their pact and passed their knowledge down through their female offspring, so the teachings would never be lost, or get dirty. Now, one hundred and ten generations later, the Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God has become so strong, that its adherents can openly wear their black gi and tabi shoes with eye patch and tri-corn hat; above one shoulder rises the hilt of sword, and above the other a parrot. These holy men and women are a perfect blend of yin and yang, wind and water, patch and hood. Scorned by the majority of their brethren for years, they are now coming out of dojo closets, and Davey Jones's lockers, to confront the very nature of the pirate-ninja conflict. [edit] Advantages Of Each SidePirates have cutlasses, while ninjas can use the darkness to their advantage. After the advent of the gene that makes a Pirate's left arm a railgun, the ninjas fought back by making their left earlobes into coilguns. Unfortunately, both technologies weren't perfected, and instead of having extra tehnology with them at all times, they simply had to schlep around a big piece of metal. Additionally, Ninjas have Real Ultimate Power whereas Pirates have the awesome ability of ownage. It is common knowledge that after the great Converse-Nike massacre of 3049, Ninjas also gained the magical Ocarina of Time. This gave them a strategic advantage over the pirates who still only had the magical Jew's Harp of Time. Although both of these instruments are useful for distraction, the calling of animal companions and the changing of the weather, only the Ocarina can cause the day to turn into night. This power is a distinct and powerful advantage for ninjas who can more easily and stealthily move during the night than during the day. It is a proven fact that a ninjas is 240% more likely to beat a pirate in hand-to-hand combat during the night than during the day and 370% more likely when they both have the melee weapons of their choice. Pirates for some time had a slight advantage in battle due to their age old alliance with parrots who are known for warping the universe with their intelligence as well as their ability to watch over the matrix. The ninjas countered this turn of events by forming an alliance with the monkeys, this being the reason that most pirates today are no longer seen with monkeys on their shoulders and why many monkeys have been seen around large cities wearing all-black ninja tunics. this alliance almost fully counters the alliance between the pirates and parrots because of the monkeys' abilities to fight with advanced weaponry adn their ability to fly. An often over looked advantage for the pirates is Rum. This magical beverage, crafted from the fermented blood of slain enemies endows pirates with a super-human tolerance to pain (much like the effects of some narcotics). Also, when coupled with peg-leg, hook, patch and cutlass, rum allows the pirates to undertake advanced medical marvels. Dr. Ludwig Rehn, the surgeon who first performed successful surgery on the heart itself, was actually wearing traditional pirate garb and had just drank 3 quarts of pirate rum while doing the complex procedure. The ninjas' sake is no match for this drink. The weaponry used by pirates and ninjas have their own advantages and disadvantages. Ninjas are generally known for using the katana in melee combat and the shuriken in ranged combat, whereas pirates are known for the cutlass and the musket. In melee combat, the ninjas have an obvious advantage because of the strength and durability of such a light-weight weapon as compared to the heaviness and lack of workmanship of the cutlass. A katana in the right hands will ALWAYS beat a cutlass. comparatively, the pirate will always beat the ninja in ranged combat due to the power of the musket. Shurikens (although fast) rarely do critical amounts of damage while muskets have the ability to kill quickly. If it wasn't for the ninjas' ability to move at fast speeds and the muskets' handicap when it comes to accuracy, the ninjas would always lose in ranged combat, but, beacuse of these circumstances, pirates win only 2 out of every 3 times. Compared to the ninjas 6 out of 10 average in melee combat, the pirate's average in ranged combat is much lower than expected. Cyborg Ninjas Vs. Robot Pirates In a battle between cyborg ninjas and robot pirates, the ninjas would always win. As stated before, under normal circumstances, 100 ninjas will always beat 200 pirates, but will never beat 300 pirates. By making something into a robot, you tend to triple their ability to fight, while making something into a cyborg would double its ability to fight. So, 100 ninjas will always beat a 100 cyborg pirates, never beat 200 cyborg pirates, and never beat 100 robot pirates. This means that it would take 200 ninjas to beat 100 robot pirates, meaning that 100 cyborg ninjas would always beat 100 robot pirates. So, in a battle where all circumstances are completely even, an army of cyborg ninjas would always beat an army of the same amount of robot pirates. 'Cept if the Robot Pirates Have they're Robot Rum, Than all Numbers of Cyborg Ninjas are f*cked [edit] Pirate/Ninja ParadoxThough it is well known that there have been many deaths on both sides, there are rare occurrences where a pirates and ninjas become locked in stale-mate. Pirates are known for enjoying pain. Powerful Pirates, such as Maddox, Pontius Pirate, the rumoured Tim, and Blackbeard, have gained the ability to take pain and make themselves stronger by the more pain they receive (this skill is generally gained through intoxication). That's why it is important to kill a pirate instantly, if you are unaware of his level of strength. Ninjas, masters of the one hit kill, are also experts of dealing pain. When a skilled ninja meets a powerful pirate in battle, and fails to kill it instantly, the pirate becomes stronger. Ninjas who, once upon deciding to kill someone continue until either their target or themselves die, persist in attacking the pirate, who continues to gain in strength. The pirate cannot kill the ninja because he is far too intoxicated. This causes a rapid reaction. The two beings are locked in combat forming a huge surge of energy known as the pirate/ninja paradox. Depending on the strength, if pirate/ninja paradox is left to grow it will eventually form either a S.O.A.D. performance, an orange huffable kitten, supernova and/or black hole. Only a huge third counter energy can stop a pirate/ninja paradox. Recent research in the department of "Chuck Norris and the Big Bang" have found evidence that Chuck Norris, in his travels across time and space, upon finding a pirate/ninja paradox, roundhouse kicked it, forming the big bang of are current universe. Studies have also been creating new theories to show how a pirate/ninja paradox may be a new way of creating Pirja, though much research has been unsuccessful, and caused many deaths. The most famous example of the Ninja/Pirate paradox is the fight between David Hasselhoff (a known pirate) and Tom Hanks (a known ninja). This battle finally ended when Chuck Norris had a cameo appearance in the movie Dodgeball. With this occurance, both parties agreed on a truce and stopped fighting. It is thought that this same fight may happen again because of David Hasselhoff's appearance on the SpongeBob Squarepants Movie. This seems trivial, but Tom Hanks wanted this part badly, mainly because SpongeBob is his favorite cartoon character. If this does occur, a pirja will definitely be created and Tomvid Hankselhoff will go to the center of the Earth to fight, not only clay people, but mole people as well. WARNING: If you are to ever encounter a pirate/ninja Paradox follow these guidelines and keep safe- *Do not look at it directly.
Posted on 04/19/2007 6:23 PM Comments (0)
1Ninja weapons
List of Weapons
Posted on 04/19/2007 6:09 PM Comments (0)
Ninja FactsNinjae are amazing creatures, although very hard to study. Over the last several centuries, the following things have carefully researched about ninjae:
Posted on 04/19/2007 6:03 PM Comments (0)
Ninja Skillsas you guys may know, i am a Pirate, but lol Assbeatery Also referred to Ninja-Fu, or Ninjitsu, and occasionally called getting your ass stomped by a fucking Ninja. The basic martial art-form taught to all young ninjae, Assbeatery, means that you will fucking lose. You don't stand a chance. Assbeatery includes wickedly awesome ski-ball ability; such that you literally cannot fucking comprehend, and is the gateway to all the following skills. Baby and Kid ninjas have usually not mastered Assbeatery, and you might stand a chance against them. It has also been discovered that Assbeatery involves the innate ninja skill of Breaking the Time Barrier in which they begin to move faster than time. This allows them to return to preceding moments in which they proceed to beat your ass again. Efficient use of Time Barrier breaking can allow a ninja to completely destroy you upwards of fourty two times a pico-second. [edit] Domo-Kai-Do(translated from Ninja Code as Reach out and touch someone) The Ninjae who learn Domo-Kai-Do employ their Ninja Skills at a distance. A punch can be felt from a few feet away at first, and as a Ninja masters this art, eventually a normal punch, kick, or stab wound can be delivered from miles away. The first to develop this technique was Bruce Lee, who was able to get one from an inch away (the one-inch punch). Unfortunately Ninja Irony got the better of him when he instead decided to use a gun (the normal man's alternative) in one of his takes. Over the years many great ninjae have advanced this skill. The Plunging Fist of Death becomes visciously deadly with this art. [edit] BoatdokenWhilst attempting to travel via nautical means, the Ninjae have mastered the art of channelling a portion of their incomprehensible awesomness into a beam of raw kinetic energy, propelling any boat, raft, ship, Trireme, Cog, or Boogie Board at extreme speeds, which is totally sweet. In order to sucessfully perform the Boatdoken, a Ninja must master the casting of devastating 9th level spells. [edit] Noburo Shao Ichi(translated from Ninja Code as Holy Shit, Look at that!) The Ninjae are warriors of shadows and darkness. The night is their playground, they slip in and out of pure shade, moving without sound or notice, and really fuck some shit up. Noburo Shao Ichi is the art of disappearing. Skilled Ninjae with Noburo Shao Ichi are impossible to see, everytime you look at them, they are not fucking there. They are like not-able-to-be-seen. [edit] Noburo Shao Ukee(Translated from Ninja Code as I can see you, bitch) The Ninja using Noburo Shao Ukee can see any ninja using Noburo Shao Ichi. If you try to sneak up on a ninja, they will see you too, and unleash a finishing move of their choice, and Yokazuna Ho-ryu-san tends to be a fave choice. [edit] Schnell-yuken(translated from Ninja Code as What fuck was that?) Even in the broadest of daylight, Ninjas can remain completely undetected in wide open areas right up to and even inside your retinas due to their immense speed. This move is still counterable by the Noburo Shao Ukee. However, this is not particularly advisable, even in ninja circles, as a startled ninja can attack without any further prompt, or failing that, explode in a cloud of smoke and Ninja Stars. At its most intense, this blast can easily demolish a modest sized subcontinent. [edit] Shinji Ikari Domokun(translated from Ninja Code as That crazy shit with the Swords) The Ninja in question pulls out his or her totally sweet Ninja-sword, and slices you all to shit. If the Ninja so desires, this move can be performed in either Super Slo Mo or Really fucking Fast-motion. The move is often modified based off of a Ninja's experience. All ninjae of 4th level or higher will be able to use two swords, 6th level ninjae often use 3, 8th level ninjae frequently use four ninja swords, and beyond 12th level, they just throw whole entire ninjas at you, and then you are so fucked. [edit] Takahashi Sokokai(translated from Ninja Code as Jumping up off the ground and kicking your face clean off of your head and straight into the Sun) This is relatively plain, as far as ninja moves go. The move also describes, with profound accuracy, exactly what to expect upon successful execution of the move.* [edit] Togateiru fohku Kohgeki(translated from Ninja Code as Pointy fork attack) This move Is very simple, but can only be used by ninjas, because other people lack the intellectual superiority of ninjas, and hold nary a hint of Awesomeness required to understand the simplicity of this maneuver. If other people were ninjas, then and only then would they understand that it is tremendously Simple. The Ninja grabs a pointy fork, (in some cases though, they have been known to grab lephrecuans instead of forks) and uses a set style of attacks, and pwns you...there is no way to avoid this attack as it is performed three hundred times faster than light speed. [edit] Yari-Yari-Yobe-Sari(translated from Ninja Code as I am throwing Sharpened Metal at your caucasian ass, beg for mercy Gaijin) The Ninja Star is famous and deadly. Ninjae can throw this weapon a minimum of 20 feet by the age of 6 months. At the age of 12, most can achieve distances of a good 800 feet, and Late-Teen Ninjas can usually hit you from a 10 miles away. By the time they turn 27, a small slab of reinforced steel on Mars is the only object used in target practice... and they never miss. They replace it every few days. How? They're Ninjas. [edit] Yokazuna Ho-ryu-san(translated from Ninja Code as Plunging Fist of Death) The most famous of Ninja Moves, the Ninja plunges his hand into your chest, neatly removing your heart for a detailed inspection, places it into one of those paper-box chinese soup thingies, and hands it to you before you die. Culinary Ninjae may also serve sushi or Spring vegetable rolls with the meal, and frequently offer a glass of sake to go with the heart. Many variations of this techinique exist, mostly exclusive to various Ninja Clans or Agencies. Most begin with the traditional plunging of the fist into your chest and removing your heart, usually followed by another awesome move involving the heart such as replacing the heart back into your chest upside-down, throwing it around the world to clobber you in the face or carving the letters of your name out of it, and turning it into alphabet soup, among others. [edit] Ninja Pwnage Skills[edit] Otowana Do Nakee(translated from Ninja Code as Hurling Skee-Ball with Fiery Wrath) Never challenge a Ninja (or accept a Ninja's challenge) to a match of Skee-ball because they posess the ability to totally own anyone at Skee-ball. After beating their opponent so horrifically that he/she wishes that he/she hadn't been born to face such Ninjarific ownage, the Ninja will proceed to kill the said victim in one of the afore-mentioned methods, then disappearing, leaving the body in the middle of the Chuck E. Cheese. [edit] Kibawani Izoku Kai(translated from Ninja Code as Mad Yo-Yo Skillz) Ninjae are able to do all yo-yo tricks ever invented (and yet to be invented) by humans. They can also do them while remaining unseen. All Ninja can do sweet yo-yo tricks with more than one yo-yo simultaneously, due to being Ninja and being totally awesome Higher level Ninjae are able to do all yo-yo skills from afar, via Domo-Kai-Do. [edit] Jurs Furck Nework(translated from Ninja Code as Look at the working for single duration!) Ninjas are reputedly the only form of human (or otherwise) that are able to manipulate any version of Microsoft's much acclaimed Windows OS into a state which resembles the product of any amount, no matter how small, of human decency, or failing that, a flailing mass of shitty bollocks. Common uses of this are to further their pwnage under the internet-based instrucion of Batman. [edit] Ninja Skills of Ill-Repute[edit] Ikari Bo(translated from Ninja Code as Me love you long time) Female Ninja are a truly force to be reckoned with. All female Ninja can use a variant of Noburo Shao Ichi to make themselves look 500 times hotter than the hottest porn star chick. Ikari Bo is the Ninja Art of Lovemaking. A female ninja, performing fellatio upon you can make you orgasm with such ferocity that your neck will literally fucking explode in a preposterously overwhelming flood of seminal discharge blowing your head halfway through the exosphere. If you ever get the offer to recieve Ikari Bo, fukn take it because that shit is totally worth it, yo. Hell Yeah! Btw, you spell it ninjae not ninja [edit] Notes
Posted on 04/19/2007 5:59 PM Comments (1)
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