April 20, 2007The Nintendian Revolution
Famous Quotes from the War
Dylan : MOFUCker, my leg is gone :-( justin: Mofuckar, my dick just got blowed the fuck offf by princess peach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mike j. : Hey little boy, are you lost? Want to come to never never land?
bandit : Zelda, quit humping my asshole bitch
Posted on 04/20/2007 12:35 PM Comments (5)
April 19, 2007Anime (and Physics Below)AnimeFrom Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
[edit] History
Anime was slowly, but carefully invented in 1603 by a man named Oda Nobunaga. Nobunaga was in the twilight of his life, and as his final act of retribution, he invented anime to stem the impending Mongol invasion of Japan. His style was distinctive, and each attribute that he created anime with was meant to cater to certain weaknesses of the Mongol army. For example, the eyes of anime people were intentionally made extremely large, thus tricking invaders into thinking they were in Europe rather than Asia. Disaster averted. Also, in anime, he created really gigantic monsters to destroy everything in their path while attributing their endless and often uneccessarily complex power to the magic of a certain order of elf. Fortunately, due to a rather large tidal wave caused by one of these rather large tentacle monsters, the Mongols all died and Anime had done its deed. But the saga was not to end there! Just when the end seemed near for anime, a Japanese fisherman who didn't wash himself properly was contaminated unknowingly. Anime jumped from one side of the Pacific to another! Wow! It infected the youth! Oh A new era where 16 year old white girls and boys alike tried incessantly to be Asian was born. Japan became a mecca of sorts, with people every day praying to Lords Goku and Inuyasha. Anime creatures were notoriously easy to transcribe for the common n00b. They also had the unique quality of bringing about the appearance to be of high quality art. Inasmuch as many teenage youths have brainwashed themselves into thinking they can draw and thus pollute the internet tubes with bad drawings on crappy fan art websites, the anime problem has become increasingly common. Victims of acute anime syndrome subsequently get an urge to congregate in hotels for days on end so they can hold gigglefests while watching Bleach and talk about how Byakuya is OMG SO HOT!!1!11 At this point, the disease is well entrenched, and has the potential to become chronic, but reports are in existence that say that inherently sane people can finally overcome the malaise. [edit] Safe use of AnimeLike all imported goods, anime should be taken in moderation. When blended with other hobbies, like reading, going outside, and people, anime can be a safe, fun, even beneficial part of your everyday life. However, if you commit the sin of gluttony (which, by its nature, is deadly), you can die. Your body begins to reject anything non Japanese, which in turn leads you to eat nothing but sushi and anime, and then you get food poisoning (augmented by the cut ties to the outside world inherent in anime addiction). You must follow the rules outlined below if you have hope of survival:
[edit] Manufacturing processThough originally drawn by hand, most modern anime is generated automatically by computer programs with little to no human intervention. Typically, the anime creation process begins with a title, which are generated by a random number algorithm that matches several random negative decimals with their cooresponding words. Consequently, most titles are comprised of words that have absolutely nothing to do with each other and make no sense when put together. Examples include Neon Genesis Evangelion (translation: Brightly Colored Creation Robotic Evangelist), Cowboy Bebop (translation: I'm sorry, I don't know what the hell a cowboy bebop is), Fullmetal Alchemist (this is one of the few that demonstrates mere redundancy [ie: Alchemists generally work only with full metal] as opposed to actual idiocy), Mobile Suit Gundam (translation: Giant Robot With Suit That Moves), Steel Angel Kurumi (this one baffles many, as angels are generally associated with things not at all related to steel. The inclusion of the main character's name in the title simply shows lack of originality, moving back to the random number generators), Primary Sunspot Manager Junichiro Koizumi Purple Monkey Dishwasher (....), Love Hina, and Tide). A screenplay generator then uses the same random negative decimals from the title generator to select a subgenre. A sampling of the current subgenres in the vast anime machine follows:
Often the storyline that is generated has nothing to do with the title or any of the words in it (for example, Primary Sunspot Manager Junichiro Koizumi Purple Monkey Dishwasher is a classic revenge tale). Next, characters must be developed. As previously noted, female characters are often there to be unusually voluptuous and/or to be the primary McGuffin driving the protagonist. Often they have no character. Male anime characters must have the intellectual characteristics of celery and yet be able to recite various page-long incantations of the inherent "magic" of the comic at whim (an example of such incantations can be roughly translated as "Destroy Kill Don't Maim But Destroy Kill Bad Man of Bad Not Goodness of Death Who Shall Die Now!"). Specialized drawing and animation programs add artwork to the story, featuring hair colors not found in nature and large, glistening, creepy eyes the size of hubcaps. This gives the Asians a distinctly Anglo-Saxon look often not found in actual Asians (the original purpose). These elements, required by local, national, and UN law (the last of which is the least important), are Japan's attempt at "Americanizing" their culture. Finally, the screenplay must be passed through a sophisticated sleaze program which adjusts the depravity level of the production to conform to industry standard requirements for sexual perversity. This is measured by the Dichter Scale, which is an exponential scale. Anime found to have a rating lower than 8 is considered not at all Japanese and must be increased before mainstream sale can occur. Anime that is exported to Western countries goes through an additional production step, wherein the voices are dubbed by English-speaking voice actors that are put through a screening process to weed out any sort of talent from the pool. [edit] Subgenres of Anime[edit] Hentai
Hentai is the most popular sub-genre of anime. It is essentially paper pr0n. Hentai is lovingly crafted by horny Japanese men, who have the ability to create characters that look like they're 5 yet are perfectly legal. (note, seeing as Japan is bat fuck insane, this might not be saying much, as the legal age could very possibly be 5. Sick bastards). At first, it seems like a godsend, with perfectly proportioned people doing perfectly proportioned things. But, like weed, you start using it more and more, and you will one day crash, waking up and finding yourself, genitalia in hand, beating off to a cartoon. [edit] Lolicon[ See Hentai, but younger ] 
[edit] Robots in SpaceThe Robots in Space subgenre is fairly common, encompassing such marvels of originality as Robotech, Xenosaga, and all 18,000 variants of Gundam. The clever storywriters in the Japanese studios realized that writing an original story was completely optional, and simply rehashing the same story over and over again with slightly redesigned characters and a few name changes would bring in enormous profit. For a similar phenomenon, see the Final Fantasy series. This subgenre is unique in which there are no fictional devices at all. Everything depicted in the series has been invented and tested by Japanese scientists under Kyoto. The subgenre is marked by intense battle scenes involving mobile suits, spaceships, space stations, and mobile suits. The character layout usually has a military general, a cute rebel chick, and oddly emotional mobile suit pilots. Also, there is usually some guy with a mask. And the epaulette wearing slightly gay one because the robots usually have inter course with your mom after. [edit] InnuendoThe innuendo subgenre was created to satisfy the market segment of lonely Japanese men, and through clever licensing, white teenagers. This subgenre encompasses such sophisticated titles as Love Hina and Chobits. These shows were specifically formulated to make as many sex-related plot points as it took to make every viewer shut off the television or computer monitor off every 30 seconds in embarassment, only to turn it back on and get turned on again. This cycle repeats, giving the series an artificially elongated and developed story. Shows in the subgenre usually contain ample amounts of humor, in an attempt to help viewers justify their awkward laughter when caught watching these shows by parents or sane friends. 
[edit] Samurai/NinjaThe Samurai/Ninja subgenre, including such intellectual blockbusters as Naruto and Bleach, are pretty much the same thing every time, but with a different name and weapons layout (like First-person shooters). These usually involve a man, a weapon, and some dark evil being. To save you time, all of these can be summarized in a paragraph: Once upon a time, there was a person/thing whose lot in life is loneliness. He/she/it becomes entrenched in a battle between good and evil. He/she/it squares off against one enemy, who beats them. He/she/it trains with the force/magic in a montage/season-long story arc. He/she/it fights hordes of proletariat underlings to big enemy. He/she/it fights big enemy. He/she/it wins. The enemy delivers long-winded/heartfelt/piteous monologue before dying. Hero walks away. Enemy's eyes open to menacing music. End. [edit] MonologueThe monologue subgenre, embodied by Dragonball Z, takes the last three sentences or so of the Samuri subgenre, and extends it for episodes on end. Often, one might find oneself wondering what the initial conversation was about, and, indeed, what the characters are fighting about in the first place. It is here that the following realizations hit the sane people who don't take anime: 1) The object/being/power/benevolence/malevolence/foodstuffs that is/are being fought for in this situation is a meaningless McGuffin, and 2) C-Span is, by comparison, riveting white knuckle action. [edit] Examples of Anime[edit] Naruto
Naruto is a popular anime series about a white kid with ADD, OCD, and every other mental disorder known to man (traits which are often shared with its fanbase), this white kid's name is Naruto (hence the title). There is also a talentless broad named Sakura who has an unbreakable crush on Sasuke, an emo kid who tries to act all mysterious and deep, but he's only a crybaby because his older brother slaughtered his family and killed everyone he ever held dear. ( He may cut with kunai while we're not looking. ) Tough shit. Like nearly every other anime in existence, through Naruto's stupid bumbling, he suddenly pulls out large quantities of awesome out of his ass and saves the day, only to look like a moron because of his obsession with ramen. In America, Naruto is known for his lovable catch-phrase, "Believe it!", which no one ever tires of. Ever. Naruto, though looking like a fool, is somehow invincible. He has been referred to as "invinciperv" because the of his tendency of going into the girls change room looking like a girl. While in there, he is hit with everything from toilettes to fruit until he leaves. He then defaces the local Mount Rushmore ripoff so he can take away the pain. Throughout the series Naruto faces conflicting emotions with the demon fox inside him. This is perfectly common. An evil organization known as Akatsuki tries to capture those who picked them last during kickball. One such unfortunate being is Sasuke's brother Itachi, he is known to have mastered the ability of slaughtering your own family of super nerds. [edit] Fullmetal Alchemist
Fullmetal Alchemist is about a fat emo midget named Edward and his brother Alphonse. One day, Al was baking a cake, but the incompetent loser forgot to preheat the oven, and was sucked in and killed. Ed, finding him trapped by ever expanding dough, drew a pretty picture on some armor, and Al became a communist robot. They then traveled the world searching for the Sorceror's Stone, to prevent the resurrection of Dark Lord Voldemort, only to discover that you have to be a homocidal goth named Sephiroth to resurrect the dead/perform alchemy on humans. The series is marked by painfully long monologues and loads and loads of emo crap. Although most FullMetal Alchemist fans won't admit it, they actually hate most of the episodes, and are just sitting through hours of pointless oration waiting the brief, mediocre scenes involving Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye, which the show is lauded for. [edit] FLCL
(Stands for Fruit Loops Cause Liver problems.) Shinji Watanabe wondered how much crack he could possibly do in 24 hours. This anime was the result. Watanabe wrote, directed, and hand-drew every frame of this anime in sixteen seconds, before bursting into flames. Extended exposure to this particular series may cause a mixture of phleghm and pus to fire out of your eye sockets(or possibly your balls can fall out). [edit] Tentacle High
EDITOR'S NOTE: Though confusing to foreigners, this show is understandable if one is aware of a vital aspect of Japanese society: Drugs are legal in Japan. It's not uncommon for people to spike each other's drinks as a way of breaking the ice. It's like a handshake, except you can do it multiple times, with all your friends helping. The show's protagonist, Kisa-chan, is an elementary-schooler admitted to high school because of her prodigious IQ. Unfortunately, this causes jealousy on the part of some of the other students, who decide to pull a prank on her by summoning the Enola Gay to destroy the good times. However, intead of summoning the Enola Gay, they accidentally summon an African Giraffe, who is still in the midst of puberty and very, VERY high. Hilarity ensues. [edit] Fan-generated bull[edit] AMVs
AMV is short for Angry Mormon Video. AMVs are the byproduct of lack of productivity. Their natural habitat is YouTube, though they can also live in PCs, Macs, temperate forests, and in court rooms if the need arises. Nearly all AMVs contain randomly picked (within the whinge-rock genre) music and AMV creators often get in fistfights with music producers as a result. Sometimes these fistfights errupt into full fledged galactic wars that end with catacalysmic results. _++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_______________________________ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Laws of Anime PhysicsFrom Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
[edit] Origin
The Laws of Anime Physics were found along with the laws of normal physics by Isaac Newton. When anime was discovered in a cave in Feudal Japan by Tsoa Moyazaki or some other name you read past because it's complete babble to you, the date was somewhere between 450 and 500 AD. Moyazaki, after perilous study of the back-to-front books, traveled to the land of Patents where he patented anime. [edit] Tsoa's StudiesUpon studying the books, he realized a few things. Of course, this wasn't everything to realize, but it was a ground to work on for the laws that were found many centuries later.
[edit] Mass ProductionMoyazaki used each and every one of these atrributes to make a huge profit. He realized he could sell such things as pornography for the men, and extremely complicated love stories for children. In 521 AD, he started mass-producing these erotic pieces of literature with pictures, and he was a millionaire ever since. [edit] Discovery of the LawsIn the few years before 1669, while Isaac Newton was furthering his research on the Laws of Physics, he probably got drunk and bought a few now-world-popularized manga books. This is disputed, as nobody really knows how he acquired such things, but another theory is that he was a nerd in the first place. Regardless, he started studying manga books, and found the simple laws that make the manga reality different from ours. On August 5, 1669 he announced to the world that he had an official list of physics that applied to manga. This discovery is what bolstered others to give him their money so he could go on to discover more ACTUAL laws of physics and invent more things. [edit] The Laws of Anime PhysicsSo...We have explained to you the history of manga, the life of Tsao Moyazaki, the works of Isaac Newton, and the becomings of these laws. So, finally, we will be able to introduce the Laws of Anime Physics (in 3-D). [edit] Main Characters, Villains, and General (F)laws
[edit] Women and Love
[edit] Unexplainable Phenomena
Posted on 04/19/2007 7:15 PM Comments (10)
Chuck Norris
chuck used to sell crack in the process. In 1968, Chuck fought and won the World Professional MiddleWeight Karate championships by defeating the World's Top Fighters, which included Batman, Superman, Butt Knocker, TMNT, Big Boss, Tintin, Popeye, Bruce Wayne, Shaq, Aaron Carter, Stalin, all of G-Unit, Tupac Shakur, George Bush, Mr. T, all of New York City, Gerald Ford, Godzilla, and even his shadow form (shadow link after being fired from the video game business and needing a new form took his). He held that title until 1974 when he retired undefeated. The only guy that could kick his ass was Muhammad Ali. Apart from headbutting bears and using hippies as firewood and sleeping with Jessica Alba, Angelina Jolie and Eva Longoria (at the same time), Chuck Norris utilises his sparetime standing/sitting around kicking pure ass. That's right he kicks ass even when not kicking ass. He just sits on a lawn chair winking at random people, who naturally implode from the awesomeness and gratitude, cause of the fact that he spent time recognising their existence. He also likes walking and being awesome, but favors kicking ass while just standing there. Even when sleeping he kicks general ass (some in, and some out, of dreams). Since then he has played a major part in almost every historical and mythical event known to humanity, and many yet to come. Examples include:
Now Chuck Norris mostly spends his time doing various things, on his ranch with his family, saving the universe from various foes, helping charities, endangering the world himself every time he coughs, and beating up anybody who pisses him off, which happens a lot. Another one of his favorite past times is "flexing the Bow" and doing numerous info-mercials with super mega-babes. He is also kept busy running his own country, Chucknorrisland. He is a hero in every sense of the word, showing courage, strength, wisdom, honour, mercy, compassion, and even the occasional streak of raw passion. [edit] Chuck Norris Is GodForget what the church says, chuck norris only lets god be god while he's making new Walker Texas Ranger Episodes! [edit] Early Life
Not much is known about Chuck Norris' childhood before his legendary roundhouse kick came alive, either because anyone around during that time is dead or biographers asking Chuck Norris about his childhood have died for some reason. There are many theories as to how he came into existence. Some think that he was born feet first so he could kick the doctor in the face the moment he was born, while others theorize he punched his way out of his mothers womb only moments after he was conceived. The most commonly accepted theory to his coming to being is that he had no mother, as crawling out of a woman's vagina is unbecoming of a man's stature. Chuck Norris rather spontaneously came into existence ex nihilio on Karl Marx's birthday, this is no coincidence as Chuck Norris is the polar opposite of communism; he is so American that when he gets interrupted during sex he gets red white and blue balls. As a child Chuck Norris was a shy individual, who was often tormented for his Irish-Cherokee-Korean-Japanese-Jujitsu-Whatever-Else-Is-Awesome-About-Him background. Historians and scientists believe that Chuck Norris let his anger build up inside of him until the world's gravitational power could no longer support him, resulting in a massive explosion which created the rest of the known universe. Because of this outburst, Chuck had to attended an anger management class when he was only four. This specially designed class only had two pupils in it, him and The Hulk. [edit] Personal Life
Chuck Norris unfortunately does not have much time for a personal life. Making sensual love to thousands of women a day while battling various titans and causing other forms of chaos does not leave him any time to enjoy the finer things in life or simply have fun like a normal person. Chuck Norris managed to fix this problem when he discovered that all he had to do was threaten Father Time that he would kill him and his family if he didn’t give Chuck more time. Now Chuck himself decides what time it is, and is free to go bowling with his friends, have sex with his own wife, do some work around the ranch, kill some grues, repopulate endangered species, hunt endangered species, and when he has time, visit his friend God for their bi-monthly arm wrestling tournament. But unfortunately Chuck and God do not get along often. First of all Chuck always beats God, and unlike god, he DOES play with dice, and he DOES believe in coincidence because he actually creates all coincidence around the world...by playing with dice! He is also undisputed leader of own his own country, Spain II: The Revenge. Spain II was primarily a POW camp, but was then turned into a country by Franco, a childhood enemy of Chuck Norris. Norris decided one day he wanted his own country to begin his World Domination, so he smashed the gates to the country and killed all the Nazis inside with his bare hands, doing this whilst he was talking on his mobile phone to order a pizza to be delivered for his victory. He threw everyone out who had a bicep diameter of less than 30cm (12 in) and started his own race of superhumans. 
Chuck also enjoys spending time with the troops as well as others who can comprehend his manliness to the slightest degree. The only other such individuals are: lumberjacks, ninjas, pirates, Mr. T, Bruce Lee, God, Firemen, Vin Diesel (who is really Chuck Norris without his beard), and a man named Ernest Heegard. Chuck Norris has sampled every and all hobbies available. He abolished some from the face of the Earth (x-treme quilting), while others he made known the world round(baby seal clubbing). Chuck personally likes to consume the souls of his enemies and go to hell to kick Hitler in the balls. The souls of those unlucky few who are eaten by Chuck are put to the impossible task of getting through his digestive tract in one piece. So far no one has made it out. The failures are disposed of in a sort of play-doh fun factory way. [edit] Inventory/Trademarks
Chuck Norris has a wide variety of attacks and signature moves. A list is as follows.
[edit] Those who may be able to defeat Chuck
Glenn Danzig is currently the only man to have ever beaten Chuck Norris in anything There are some forces that could potentially cause a small threat to Chuck Norris. Steven Seagal for instance, possesses the same kind of hard faced, pure badassness in his films as Chuck Norris does, but the outcome of a battle between them depends on various factors. For example if Steven Seagal shaved off his ponytail, he could no longer hope to even harm the Chuck, and if Chuck Norris was to shave his beard he would be hard pressed to win. Other actors who also produce the same kind of stone faced, pure awesome, hard arsed raw action flicks as Chuck Norris are also potential threats, such as Jean Claude Van Damme, Clint Eastwood, Christopher Walken, Vin Diesel, Sylvester Stallone, Daniel Craig, and Tony Jaa, but provide a smaller level of threat. the only time in recoreded time that chuck norris ever cried was in the 70's when he lost a guitar playing contest to Jimmy Page AKA "The ONE". In retaliation, Chuck throttled Page, and played Free Bird with his vocal cords. Music experts agree that this version was superior to the original Lynyrd Skynyrd version. It is theorised by some guy that if Mr. T and Chuck Norris ever fought, the entire universe would implode around them, since it could not possibly contain that level of sheer awesome. This theory was the subject of the film "Chuck Norris Vs. Mr T. - The Final Battle" in 2023. If Samuel L. Jackson and Morgan Freeman ever starred in the same movie they would create a being equal to the power of Chuck Norris. This creature would be called Samuel L. Freeman. An epic battle would ensue and the earth would implode killing everyone but Samuel L. Freeman, Chuck Norris ,Bruce Lee, and Mr.T. It is worth noting that if Sam Fisher and Solid Snake teamed up with Captain America, they could potentially possess the power to defeat Chuck Norris, however, this cannot be proved as they are fictional characters. It can also no longer be conceived as Chuck Norris recently took over Marvel and killed Captain America with a fatal spinning Roundhouse Kick. Apparently, if Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jonah Lomu and The Hulk were to join forces, they could actually cut a single hair of Chuck's beard using a pair of garden shears. Of course, this would only be possible whilst Chuck was undergoing one of his many fetish's, for example a giant naked leprechaun slowly caressing Chuck's nasal hair, or watching his immortal parents participating in sexual intercourse of the anal variety. There are also a number of deceased individuals who are rumored to have possibly been able to defeat Chuck, such as Jesus, Bruce Lee, Erwin Rommel, John Lennon, George Washington, Rocky Marciano, Barney, Erica Terpstra, her son Zanger Bob, and not to forget James Brown and the greatSteve Irwin . However, it is impossible for them to prove this in their current state. (Chuck having gone back in time to kill them as children.) There is a little known fact that, even God and Satan are scared of The Legend, and, if he wanted to, Chuck could overpower both heaven and hell at the same time, from the comfort of his hammock outside his holiday home on top of Mt. Everest. It is rumored that either Jack Bauer or MacGyver may hold the key to defeating Chuck Norris, but as all three of these men share the same goals and same basic methodology (destroying their foes through sheer inconceivable awesomeness) there is little chance that such an impossibly destructive war in heaven could ever take place. In addition, many Canadians claim that Chuck Norris could be killed, at the hands of impossibly awesome person Rick Mercer. It has also been reported that Indiana Jones is unable to accept the fact that he is not as strong as Norris, and may challenge him to a one-on-one rematch from the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. According to Legend, when the unstoppable force hits the unmovable object, it will cause the demise of Chuck Norris, but as Chuck Norris IS both the unstoppable force and the unmovable object, this is not conceivable. Apparently, if this group of people joined forces, they COULD pose a threat to Chuck Norris, according to the Lemon Demon: Gandalf the Grey, Gandalf the White, Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Night, Benito Mussolini, the Blue Meanie, Cowboy Curtis, Jambi the Genie, Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk, Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston, Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock,Leroy Jenkins,and Hulk Hogan. This battle has been prophisised to take place in a future battle called the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. If Chuck Norris ever became evil, then Avenged Sevenfold and Metallica teaming up would be our only hope, for the fact that IF Chuck Norris would ever turn evil, then it would revese the religous and political stance of both bands and they would be against Chuck Norris. but this is unconceivable for the fact that if the two bands did reverse stances, then the universe would disappear for the fact that Avenged Sevenfold and Metallica not being evil would be inpossible...but then again we could always call upon Bruce Campbell. If he indeed went evil and became the 'Anti-Norris - there is myth that an ancient incantation is hidden well in the depths of Norris own fortress of solitude that if such a event ever happened - (which of course never would) that the only way to defeat the 'Anti-Norris' would be to get him, through the temptation of Smax cereal (the only food the Anti-Norris chooses to eat) into a WWE steel cage match and then with the combined might of the Ultimate Warrior, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Superfly Jimmy Snuka, Macho King Randy Savage, Mick Foley and Brutus the Barber Beefcake and using the ancient forces of evil (on loan from Mumm-Ra), the Sword of Omens, the Power of Grayskull, GEM, G-Force the entire GI Joe Squad, all the Silverhawks, Unicron and using Speed Racer who would be piloting Voltron to channel through all this awesome power they just might be able to have the skill to be able to 'chuck' Chuck of a top of a cage - and through a Spanish announcers table. On saying that this would of course only stun him for a nano-second..nothing more. If this didnt work and the 'Anti Chuck' was ever unleashed no power on earth (or the known universe) could ever really stop him...apart from Chuck Norris himself It has been speculated that, of course, a fight between any of the characters/persons listed above and Chuck Norris is purely hypothetical, for if any of them got close enough to battle Chuck Norris, the area would explode. A square mile simply cannot hold so much awesomeness. The only person who could realisticly defeat Chuck Norris is The Big Man, the Ultimite Problem solver and peace keeper, respected by all, Who helps the wronged and punishes the wrong. Keeper of the stalemate between Chuck Norris and Mr T. He is the only person Garenteed never to be attacked by Chuck Norris, but it has been well known that this mysterious man is the only one strong enough to be a match. It's a true known fact, that Chuck Norris is too Badass to be beaten. Just look at the toilet paper he uses. [edit] Adventures
Chuck Norris has been on countless adventures, here is an appetiser of some of his accomplishments. [edit] A Typical Day in the Life of Chuck NorrisNote: This section will not list the more minor sexual encounters and asses he kicks each day, for if they were to be mentioned, the list would likely use up all the tubes of the internet. Chuck Norris starts his day like every red blooded man, with a giant boner. After rubbing one out because his wife is far too tired from their last nights wild supersex, Chuck Norris gets out of bed to go and do a gigantic two flush mega shit, which more often then not ends up breaking the U-bend of the toilet. He will then wipe his ass with intercepted letters to Santa. Chuck Norris then after getting dressed because he is tired of the large crowd of women following his around, drooling over his body, Chuck Norris prepares and eats his healthy breakfast, which consists of eating dynamite and shitting gunpowder. He then gathers this gunpowder to make a bullet which he will use to kill something latter on in the day for his lunch. He then flosses his teeth with barbed wire. Chuck Norris will then bring in his mail using the Spear of Destiny as an envelope opener. Chuck Norris not only stays up to date on current events but future ones as well so he can spoil the endings of new Harry Potter books before they are even written. Chuck Norris then head-butts his front door into splinters and proceeds to go to work. His job, of course, is kicking random peoples asses, Chuck Norris is self employed. On the way home from work, Chuck Norris will stop by the hardware store and buy a new front door and toilet U-bend. While he installs these (simply by staring at them) his wife will go off at him for wrecking them in the first place, to which he does not listen to her nagging, instead he just beats her... with his gigantic weiner. Then to make it up to his wife, Chuck Norris will have wild hyper super-sonic-sex with her, while working out on his total Gym, fighting any present ninjas, and playing with his kids. The latter has been disputed however, as no woman has yet been found with the strength to bear the super strenght of Chuck's children for the required 10 years (that much awseome needs time to develop). In the evenings Chuck Norris likes to sit in the dark and silently pray that his enemies get cancer, before going to bed and waiting, because Chuck Norris does not sleep, he waits. [edit] The ChukakikacoatlThe discovery of the Chukakikacoatl can be attributed to a well known but fanatically ignored fact about Chuck Norris - that his real name is 'Chuk', and not 'Chuck'. Armed with thus knowledge, many excited and unfortunate individuals proceeded to address him as Chuk (rhymes with 'book'), as opposed to Chuk (rhymes with buck, or Chuck) - eventually losing their lives to a 'you-know-what'(roundhouse kick, duh!) The obvious truth about the matter is that Chuk is pronounced as Chuck (rhymes with Chuck) but spelled as Chuk. The reason - the 'c' is physically silent (absent from the spelling), but linguistically present (included in the pronunciation). Deeply intrigued by this seemingly grammatical anomaly and partly envious of Chuk's multi-syllabic name, Mr. T was known to secretly fund a team of cunning linguists devoted to researching the matter further. The team met with remarkable success and discovered that a wise ancient race amongst Mayans worshiped an avatar of Chuk, called Chukakikacoatl, which resembled a feathered Chuk Norris. Alas, Chuk Norris did not take kindly to this. In full plume, Chuk swiftly eliminated the time-traveling grammar gurus before they could return to our own time with the news, leaving Mr. T to file for bankruptcy. Furthermore, in our own time, anthropologists and other misguided intelligentsia blamed the massacre as ritual sacrifice purported by the otherwise jolly Mayans, resulting in their sometimes unfair portrayal. [edit] The Norris Powers: "The World Against Chuck Norris"As you well know, The Norris Powers were a massive force in the War of the Worlds, the first one. Two other sides, Allies and Central Powers. The Norris Powers of course was no force to be reckoned with. The Norris Nation, located deep in the Indian Ocean, (Chuck Norris doesn't need to breathe) could not take the world not acknowledging Chuck Norris as supreme ruler of the world. While those silly Allies and silly Central Powers fought in their silly World War I, good ol' Chuck took this as an advantage to take over the world. ('course, he didn't HAVE to attack them then, he could attack them anytime and win! Don't you dare question the Great Norris!) So Fuhrer Norris sent the most norristorious fighting force that ever spawned from the bowls of hell: THE TEXAS RANGERS. It was a massacre. The rangers just glanced at enemy soldiers and they just die from their awesome, and sexy looks. The Norris Powers took every country one by one, until... Jack Bauer stood in his way from taking over the world. Two Gods. Only one Earth. Quickly, they both transformed into some anime gigantic robots. The fight lasted one trillion years. Chuck won and then when home.. Word on the street is that notorious wizard Voldemort, has resurrected both of the men... [edit] Chuck Norris and the ApocalypseRecently discovered religious texts have discovered that Chuck Norris is destined to enter into an apocalyptic final battle with Mr. T to determine who will be the ultimate power in the universe, as well as the rightful heir to inherit the position of God because, let's face it, that bastard's gotten lazy. According to these texts, Chuck Norris and Mr. T have been eternal rivals, their battles transcending time and space, causing such travesties as the Holocaust, the fall of the Roman Empire, and Paris Hilton. In recent times, Mr. T has claimed a victory over Norris, causing him to retreat into a hole of cowardice and gather his minions. It is unclear when this battle will take place, whether it will be in a few days or several million years. It is known, however, that when the time does come, the sky will turn red and split open, releasing a rain of fire and brimstone. The seas will melt away (yeah, they will become... more liquid... than usual), and the ground will become devoid of plant and animal life. After 8 days and 12 minutes, the two will meet on a sacred battlefield, currently Jersey, and their battle will last for months. Any man or woman that comes too close to this battle will instantly melt. Though it is not known who will eventually win this fight, it is known that the world will crumble into nothingness, and Saint Peter will be very pissed off at all the new arrivals at the Pearly Gates, claiming that he "...only had five goddamn minutes until his break." [edit] The NorrisForce: "Galactus Vs Chuck Norris"Jumping realities and having just 'done' the invisible woman, while kicking the Things ass with a mega-awesome roundhouse kick Chuck was merrily going about his usual day of being cool, wiping the floor with ninjas and taking out the entire Cobra Kai when all of a sudden from between the clouds (that Chuck had created with is tears) came the Silver Surfer - the chromed herald of the planet eating Galactus. Upon seeing the inpending potential doom that this might cause, with the world potentially being eaten and all (and in turn putting Chuck out slightly from his planned week of ass-kickery) Chuck of course high kicked into battle. Weilding the power cosmic the Silve Surfer thought that nothing could stop him, but of course he had never encountered the Norrisforce which Chuck used to melt the surfer into a shiny new set of cuff-links. Upon hearing his Herald had been smelted down to a fashion accessory Galactus was well not pleased and headed to earth to confront Chuck man to man. Upon seeing the awesome power of Chuck and respecting his full man-ly-ness (in a non gay way) and respecting his facial hair prowess Galactus offered Chuck the position as his new Herald. Upon hearing this offer Chuck leaped up, knocking the giant purple helmet off Galactus, not not the one on his head, that would be too easy for Chuck, insead he went for the 'other' purple hemlet and in turn caused Galactus wiener to shatter into a million alien-cock pieces ultimately turning Galactus into a cloud (or something equally shitty in the new movie). And lo it was that mighty Galactus was defeated by trying to take over the earth and even worse offending Chuck!! - Chuck is nobodies Herald! - The ultimate universal power of the NorrisForce will forever protect us, the mere mortals of the universe from other cosmic based bad guys such as Ming the merciless, Kenny G, The Hoff and Emo music. Triumphant Chuck then jumped into the sky, tearing through the dimensional barrier with a flick of his eyebrow and then proceeded to kicked Superman, Batman, Lobo, the entire JLA, Lex Luthor, Doomsday and every good and bad guys ass in every know comic universe just for the fun of it, only stopping his ramapge to 'Do' Wonder Woman and that hottie from Gen13 who were both grateful to recieve the manly seed of the Norris. [edit] Chuck and the Hiroshima bombDuring the Second World War, the USA were looking for a way to scare the crap out of the Japanese. So, after a bit of research, they realised that there were two options: Chuck Norris or the atomic bomb. First, they decided to send Chuck, because it was cheaper than making an atomic bomb, but there were some moral questions that surfaced later. Many people didn't consider it human, as it was certain that there will be lots of dead people, and their deaths were going to be slow. So the government decided to nuke Hiroshima in order to decrease the number of casualties. [edit] GUNThe INGO G.U.N. is currently trying to hire Chuck Norris. [edit] Chuck the sports heroChuck unexpected turned up in the West Indies while the 2007 Cricket world cup was being played. South Africa captain Graeme Smith was pushed aside after their last few losses and the now South African sport hero was urgently introduced as the new captain. South Africa skittled England for 154 on Tuesday and then rattled off the target with more than 30 overs and nine wickets to spare in a match which was effectively a knockout quarterfinal. The team is really on a high now, the momentum is good. I think if I was not brought into this game they would have lost and with it the dreams of being the top cricket team in the world, at least they now still stand a chance" Chucky told a news conference. Smith the ex-captain said that the victory in a must-win match had put to bed the talk of his team as 'chokers' under pressure; if we did not introduce Chuck as our trump card we would have lost this fatal game It was pretty emotional at the end of the game as can be seen with the picture below. 
[edit] Trivia
A quote from said song: “Faster than a bullet, Terrifying scream, Enraged and full of anger, He's half man and half machine” Other artists that have followed this trend have been Slayer, Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden.
When Chuck Norris needs to go to the bathroom They call it a fountain of youth
Posted on 04/19/2007 6:37 PM Comments (1)
Gods Thoughts on Pirates[edit] God on Pirates
Posted on 04/19/2007 6:26 PM Comments (1)
Pirates VS NinjaPirates versus NinjasFrom Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
[edit] The IntroIn the year 20 AD, a clan of Ninjas went out to prove that they could beat a ship of Pirates. They wanted to try out their new sock weapons. They attacked what they thought was a pirate ship, but it turned out to be owned by Admiral Ackbar. It was full of Adam West clones. The ninjas started to flip out, and start killing people using their socks, only to meet with failure because the ninjas chose to use method 2 instead of method 1 in trying to kill off the Adam West clones. The clones bled on the Ninjas, bit them, and 30 of them healed up and used summoning powers to summon 30 more clones, and the rest farted massive amounts of methane gas through their newly made wounds. After this miserable defeat, the Ninjas decided to regroup. Meanwhile a band of Pirates led by the Ghost of Maddox, who died in 1993, stormed the headquarters and elected leader of the Liberal Pirates of Russia. Deciding to take the ship commanded by Admiral Ackbar and tried to take it over. Maddox had slightly different tactics, and ordered his Pirates to do ear twisting aka method 3 to fight the Adam West clones. Badly in need of ear transplants, the clones escaped the ship and headed for nearby Quahog, where the original Adam West lived and the headquarters for the ear transplant institute was located. This angered the Ninjas, how dare the Pirates defeat a crew that the Ninjas could not defeat. This lead to a bitter war between all Pirates and Ninjas. [edit] It is farging war!Nobody knows who fired the first shot or threw the first shuriken or twirled the first moustache or flipped out first and started killing people, but it was a bloody and messy war. It lasted longer than you'd think. A lot of people died, but then they decided to have a do-over because a car was coming and the Pirates were not ready. Then a lot more people died, but then the Pirates accused the Ninjas of bribing the officials. The officials called a time-out, and the Pirates appealed to the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court found that the bribe was Unconstitutional and that some of the dead needed to be brought back to life. Then Judge Judy was called in, and found for the Ninjas that there was no bribe, and that the dead need to stay dead. Then Judge Reinhold found that both Judge Judy and the Supreme Court were both wrong, and that all the dead needed to come back to life, and the war had to be started all over again. [edit] War, againThis time, the Ninjas flipped a coin, called heads, and it came up tails. The Pirates got to choose the type of battle, and so they decided for a Break dancing contest. There was much dancing, and both sides scored a lot of points with the judges. Even the Adam West clones joined in, after their ear transplants, they looked different and nobody knew it was them anyway. The judges called the contest off, as the Adam West clones were party crashers. Had this not happened, the pirates would have most-likely won the contest. It is little known fact that the Pirates then had their own break dancing competition on their ship, resulting in much Bloodshed [edit] Sigh, war, yet againOk, it gets better from here. The Pirate Liberation Organization, a branch of the Pirates of the Caribbean decided to join the war as ringers for the Liberal Pirates. The Ninjas were upset, so they got out their cell phones and called in a favor for the Clinjas to help them out in this war. Both sides needed new weapons, so the only list they had was the List of weapons that don't exist, but should, since they weren't invented yet, they had to postpone the big war. They agreed to keep in touch and attack each other via debates in email and public forums. [edit] Sigh, Sigh, War, War, Yet, Yet, Again, AgainThe email debates eventually led to years of prosperity. The Ninja took advantage of this prosperity to attain advanced degrees in Mathematics. Pirates, constrained by having dropped out of High School, went back to what pirates did before the ninja wars - drink milk. With their vast knowledge and the power of Ninjutsu, the ninja derived the now famous Weekend proof, which they believed gave them an upper-hand over their bitter rivals. The ninjas struck first and combined with the devastation wrought by global warming, nearly destroyed Pirates as we know them. But before they could succeed, a core set of Weekend pirates emerged - pirates who too were versed in the magical proof. These pirates valiantly fought off the Ninja - the fighting was so brutal, intense, exquisite and complicated that an interdimensional portal opened to a mirror universe. Now there were two of everything, including mother-in-laws. Seeing the destruction their sword fighting had caused, the Ninja and Pirates forged an uneasy truce and succeeded in closing the portal. [edit] PeaceFinally they reached a peace treaty. It lasted for 15 seconds, before George W. Bush decided to get involved as a uniter between the Ninjas and Pirates He used his psychic powers on them, but it only made them mad. Then a Cylon invasion force lead by Tom Cruise came in and started killing people. The Pirates blamed the Ninjas for the Cylons and the Ninjas blamed the Pirates. It was all a plot by George W. Bush and Adam West to steal oil from Iraq and Canada and blame the Ninjas and Pirates. George W. Bush and Adam West paid off the Cylons to attack. Tom Cruise was just in it to impress Oprah. [edit] The AftermathThe bitter rivalry still exists between Pirates and Ninjas. It is now a matter of honor, revenge, and kitten huffing. They still fight, to this very day. Nobody knows when it will end, nobody knows exactly how it got started. Nobody takes responsibility for it at all. It was one big pay per view event, and ratings went through the roof. When they meet on the street, a Pirate and a Ninja will stare at each other for hours, waiting for the other one to make a move. Then one will say to the other, "Just you wait until the list of weapons that don't exist, but should get made, and then we can finish this war!" Then they make fun of your mom and Richard Simmons and throw cheese at each other, then they walk away angry, but determined to finish the war some day. [edit] Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and the Ninja-Pirate Assembly of GodAfter the first thousand years of the universe, which were ruled by Hominus Caveus Dinosaurus Dominus, the "cave-men-who-dominated-the-dinosaurs", and ended when these men hunted the dinosaurs to extinction, there came a time of great political unrest. It was then, now four thousand years ago, that the ninja-pirate rift began; however, it is stated in the book of Prong, that a small group of pirates, and a smaller group of ninjas, never forgot the covenant of the flying spaghetti monster. The FSM wanted all of his violent children to play for the same team, and get together for a cheesy Italian feast every Friday night. These disciples of the true god held true their pact and passed their knowledge down through their female offspring, so the teachings would never be lost, or get dirty. Now, one hundred and ten generations later, the Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God has become so strong, that its adherents can openly wear their black gi and tabi shoes with eye patch and tri-corn hat; above one shoulder rises the hilt of sword, and above the other a parrot. These holy men and women are a perfect blend of yin and yang, wind and water, patch and hood. Scorned by the majority of their brethren for years, they are now coming out of dojo closets, and Davey Jones's lockers, to confront the very nature of the pirate-ninja conflict. [edit] Advantages Of Each SidePirates have cutlasses, while ninjas can use the darkness to their advantage. After the advent of the gene that makes a Pirate's left arm a railgun, the ninjas fought back by making their left earlobes into coilguns. Unfortunately, both technologies weren't perfected, and instead of having extra tehnology with them at all times, they simply had to schlep around a big piece of metal. Additionally, Ninjas have Real Ultimate Power whereas Pirates have the awesome ability of ownage. It is common knowledge that after the great Converse-Nike massacre of 3049, Ninjas also gained the magical Ocarina of Time. This gave them a strategic advantage over the pirates who still only had the magical Jew's Harp of Time. Although both of these instruments are useful for distraction, the calling of animal companions and the changing of the weather, only the Ocarina can cause the day to turn into night. This power is a distinct and powerful advantage for ninjas who can more easily and stealthily move during the night than during the day. It is a proven fact that a ninjas is 240% more likely to beat a pirate in hand-to-hand combat during the night than during the day and 370% more likely when they both have the melee weapons of their choice. Pirates for some time had a slight advantage in battle due to their age old alliance with parrots who are known for warping the universe with their intelligence as well as their ability to watch over the matrix. The ninjas countered this turn of events by forming an alliance with the monkeys, this being the reason that most pirates today are no longer seen with monkeys on their shoulders and why many monkeys have been seen around large cities wearing all-black ninja tunics. this alliance almost fully counters the alliance between the pirates and parrots because of the monkeys' abilities to fight with advanced weaponry adn their ability to fly. An often over looked advantage for the pirates is Rum. This magical beverage, crafted from the fermented blood of slain enemies endows pirates with a super-human tolerance to pain (much like the effects of some narcotics). Also, when coupled with peg-leg, hook, patch and cutlass, rum allows the pirates to undertake advanced medical marvels. Dr. Ludwig Rehn, the surgeon who first performed successful surgery on the heart itself, was actually wearing traditional pirate garb and had just drank 3 quarts of pirate rum while doing the complex procedure. The ninjas' sake is no match for this drink. The weaponry used by pirates and ninjas have their own advantages and disadvantages. Ninjas are generally known for using the katana in melee combat and the shuriken in ranged combat, whereas pirates are known for the cutlass and the musket. In melee combat, the ninjas have an obvious advantage because of the strength and durability of such a light-weight weapon as compared to the heaviness and lack of workmanship of the cutlass. A katana in the right hands will ALWAYS beat a cutlass. comparatively, the pirate will always beat the ninja in ranged combat due to the power of the musket. Shurikens (although fast) rarely do critical amounts of damage while muskets have the ability to kill quickly. If it wasn't for the ninjas' ability to move at fast speeds and the muskets' handicap when it comes to accuracy, the ninjas would always lose in ranged combat, but, beacuse of these circumstances, pirates win only 2 out of every 3 times. Compared to the ninjas 6 out of 10 average in melee combat, the pirate's average in ranged combat is much lower than expected. Cyborg Ninjas Vs. Robot Pirates In a battle between cyborg ninjas and robot pirates, the ninjas would always win. As stated before, under normal circumstances, 100 ninjas will always beat 200 pirates, but will never beat 300 pirates. By making something into a robot, you tend to triple their ability to fight, while making something into a cyborg would double its ability to fight. So, 100 ninjas will always beat a 100 cyborg pirates, never beat 200 cyborg pirates, and never beat 100 robot pirates. This means that it would take 200 ninjas to beat 100 robot pirates, meaning that 100 cyborg ninjas would always beat 100 robot pirates. So, in a battle where all circumstances are completely even, an army of cyborg ninjas would always beat an army of the same amount of robot pirates. 'Cept if the Robot Pirates Have they're Robot Rum, Than all Numbers of Cyborg Ninjas are f*cked [edit] Pirate/Ninja ParadoxThough it is well known that there have been many deaths on both sides, there are rare occurrences where a pirates and ninjas become locked in stale-mate. Pirates are known for enjoying pain. Powerful Pirates, such as Maddox, Pontius Pirate, the rumoured Tim, and Blackbeard, have gained the ability to take pain and make themselves stronger by the more pain they receive (this skill is generally gained through intoxication). That's why it is important to kill a pirate instantly, if you are unaware of his level of strength. Ninjas, masters of the one hit kill, are also experts of dealing pain. When a skilled ninja meets a powerful pirate in battle, and fails to kill it instantly, the pirate becomes stronger. Ninjas who, once upon deciding to kill someone continue until either their target or themselves die, persist in attacking the pirate, who continues to gain in strength. The pirate cannot kill the ninja because he is far too intoxicated. This causes a rapid reaction. The two beings are locked in combat forming a huge surge of energy known as the pirate/ninja paradox. Depending on the strength, if pirate/ninja paradox is left to grow it will eventually form either a S.O.A.D. performance, an orange huffable kitten, supernova and/or black hole. Only a huge third counter energy can stop a pirate/ninja paradox. Recent research in the department of "Chuck Norris and the Big Bang" have found evidence that Chuck Norris, in his travels across time and space, upon finding a pirate/ninja paradox, roundhouse kicked it, forming the big bang of are current universe. Studies have also been creating new theories to show how a pirate/ninja paradox may be a new way of creating Pirja, though much research has been unsuccessful, and caused many deaths. The most famous example of the Ninja/Pirate paradox is the fight between David Hasselhoff (a known pirate) and Tom Hanks (a known ninja). This battle finally ended when Chuck Norris had a cameo appearance in the movie Dodgeball. With this occurance, both parties agreed on a truce and stopped fighting. It is thought that this same fight may happen again because of David Hasselhoff's appearance on the SpongeBob Squarepants Movie. This seems trivial, but Tom Hanks wanted this part badly, mainly because SpongeBob is his favorite cartoon character. If this does occur, a pirja will definitely be created and Tomvid Hankselhoff will go to the center of the Earth to fight, not only clay people, but mole people as well. WARNING: If you are to ever encounter a pirate/ninja Paradox follow these guidelines and keep safe- *Do not look at it directly.
Posted on 04/19/2007 6:23 PM Comments (0)
1Ninja weapons
List of Weapons
Posted on 04/19/2007 6:09 PM Comments (0)
Ninja FactsNinjae are amazing creatures, although very hard to study. Over the last several centuries, the following things have carefully researched about ninjae:
Posted on 04/19/2007 6:03 PM Comments (0)
Ninja Skillsas you guys may know, i am a Pirate, but lol Assbeatery Also referred to Ninja-Fu, or Ninjitsu, and occasionally called getting your ass stomped by a fucking Ninja. The basic martial art-form taught to all young ninjae, Assbeatery, means that you will fucking lose. You don't stand a chance. Assbeatery includes wickedly awesome ski-ball ability; such that you literally cannot fucking comprehend, and is the gateway to all the following skills. Baby and Kid ninjas have usually not mastered Assbeatery, and you might stand a chance against them. It has also been discovered that Assbeatery involves the innate ninja skill of Breaking the Time Barrier in which they begin to move faster than time. This allows them to return to preceding moments in which they proceed to beat your ass again. Efficient use of Time Barrier breaking can allow a ninja to completely destroy you upwards of fourty two times a pico-second. [edit] Domo-Kai-Do(translated from Ninja Code as Reach out and touch someone) The Ninjae who learn Domo-Kai-Do employ their Ninja Skills at a distance. A punch can be felt from a few feet away at first, and as a Ninja masters this art, eventually a normal punch, kick, or stab wound can be delivered from miles away. The first to develop this technique was Bruce Lee, who was able to get one from an inch away (the one-inch punch). Unfortunately Ninja Irony got the better of him when he instead decided to use a gun (the normal man's alternative) in one of his takes. Over the years many great ninjae have advanced this skill. The Plunging Fist of Death becomes visciously deadly with this art. [edit] BoatdokenWhilst attempting to travel via nautical means, the Ninjae have mastered the art of channelling a portion of their incomprehensible awesomness into a beam of raw kinetic energy, propelling any boat, raft, ship, Trireme, Cog, or Boogie Board at extreme speeds, which is totally sweet. In order to sucessfully perform the Boatdoken, a Ninja must master the casting of devastating 9th level spells. [edit] Noburo Shao Ichi(translated from Ninja Code as Holy Shit, Look at that!) The Ninjae are warriors of shadows and darkness. The night is their playground, they slip in and out of pure shade, moving without sound or notice, and really fuck some shit up. Noburo Shao Ichi is the art of disappearing. Skilled Ninjae with Noburo Shao Ichi are impossible to see, everytime you look at them, they are not fucking there. They are like not-able-to-be-seen. [edit] Noburo Shao Ukee(Translated from Ninja Code as I can see you, bitch) The Ninja using Noburo Shao Ukee can see any ninja using Noburo Shao Ichi. If you try to sneak up on a ninja, they will see you too, and unleash a finishing move of their choice, and Yokazuna Ho-ryu-san tends to be a fave choice. [edit] Schnell-yuken(translated from Ninja Code as What fuck was that?) Even in the broadest of daylight, Ninjas can remain completely undetected in wide open areas right up to and even inside your retinas due to their immense speed. This move is still counterable by the Noburo Shao Ukee. However, this is not particularly advisable, even in ninja circles, as a startled ninja can attack without any further prompt, or failing that, explode in a cloud of smoke and Ninja Stars. At its most intense, this blast can easily demolish a modest sized subcontinent. [edit] Shinji Ikari Domokun(translated from Ninja Code as That crazy shit with the Swords) The Ninja in question pulls out his or her totally sweet Ninja-sword, and slices you all to shit. If the Ninja so desires, this move can be performed in either Super Slo Mo or Really fucking Fast-motion. The move is often modified based off of a Ninja's experience. All ninjae of 4th level or higher will be able to use two swords, 6th level ninjae often use 3, 8th level ninjae frequently use four ninja swords, and beyond 12th level, they just throw whole entire ninjas at you, and then you are so fucked. [edit] Takahashi Sokokai(translated from Ninja Code as Jumping up off the ground and kicking your face clean off of your head and straight into the Sun) This is relatively plain, as far as ninja moves go. The move also describes, with profound accuracy, exactly what to expect upon successful execution of the move.* [edit] Togateiru fohku Kohgeki(translated from Ninja Code as Pointy fork attack) This move Is very simple, but can only be used by ninjas, because other people lack the intellectual superiority of ninjas, and hold nary a hint of Awesomeness required to understand the simplicity of this maneuver. If other people were ninjas, then and only then would they understand that it is tremendously Simple. The Ninja grabs a pointy fork, (in some cases though, they have been known to grab lephrecuans instead of forks) and uses a set style of attacks, and pwns you...there is no way to avoid this attack as it is performed three hundred times faster than light speed. [edit] Yari-Yari-Yobe-Sari(translated from Ninja Code as I am throwing Sharpened Metal at your caucasian ass, beg for mercy Gaijin) The Ninja Star is famous and deadly. Ninjae can throw this weapon a minimum of 20 feet by the age of 6 months. At the age of 12, most can achieve distances of a good 800 feet, and Late-Teen Ninjas can usually hit you from a 10 miles away. By the time they turn 27, a small slab of reinforced steel on Mars is the only object used in target practice... and they never miss. They replace it every few days. How? They're Ninjas. [edit] Yokazuna Ho-ryu-san(translated from Ninja Code as Plunging Fist of Death) The most famous of Ninja Moves, the Ninja plunges his hand into your chest, neatly removing your heart for a detailed inspection, places it into one of those paper-box chinese soup thingies, and hands it to you before you die. Culinary Ninjae may also serve sushi or Spring vegetable rolls with the meal, and frequently offer a glass of sake to go with the heart. Many variations of this techinique exist, mostly exclusive to various Ninja Clans or Agencies. Most begin with the traditional plunging of the fist into your chest and removing your heart, usually followed by another awesome move involving the heart such as replacing the heart back into your chest upside-down, throwing it around the world to clobber you in the face or carving the letters of your name out of it, and turning it into alphabet soup, among others. [edit] Ninja Pwnage Skills[edit] Otowana Do Nakee(translated from Ninja Code as Hurling Skee-Ball with Fiery Wrath) Never challenge a Ninja (or accept a Ninja's challenge) to a match of Skee-ball because they posess the ability to totally own anyone at Skee-ball. After beating their opponent so horrifically that he/she wishes that he/she hadn't been born to face such Ninjarific ownage, the Ninja will proceed to kill the said victim in one of the afore-mentioned methods, then disappearing, leaving the body in the middle of the Chuck E. Cheese. [edit] Kibawani Izoku Kai(translated from Ninja Code as Mad Yo-Yo Skillz) Ninjae are able to do all yo-yo tricks ever invented (and yet to be invented) by humans. They can also do them while remaining unseen. All Ninja can do sweet yo-yo tricks with more than one yo-yo simultaneously, due to being Ninja and being totally awesome Higher level Ninjae are able to do all yo-yo skills from afar, via Domo-Kai-Do. [edit] Jurs Furck Nework(translated from Ninja Code as Look at the working for single duration!) Ninjas are reputedly the only form of human (or otherwise) that are able to manipulate any version of Microsoft's much acclaimed Windows OS into a state which resembles the product of any amount, no matter how small, of human decency, or failing that, a flailing mass of shitty bollocks. Common uses of this are to further their pwnage under the internet-based instrucion of Batman. [edit] Ninja Skills of Ill-Repute[edit] Ikari Bo(translated from Ninja Code as Me love you long time) Female Ninja are a truly force to be reckoned with. All female Ninja can use a variant of Noburo Shao Ichi to make themselves look 500 times hotter than the hottest porn star chick. Ikari Bo is the Ninja Art of Lovemaking. A female ninja, performing fellatio upon you can make you orgasm with such ferocity that your neck will literally fucking explode in a preposterously overwhelming flood of seminal discharge blowing your head halfway through the exosphere. If you ever get the offer to recieve Ikari Bo, fukn take it because that shit is totally worth it, yo. Hell Yeah! Btw, you spell it ninjae not ninja [edit] Notes
Posted on 04/19/2007 5:59 PM Comments (1)
January 22, 2007What Anime Charactors Would Never SaySorry guys i'm not gonna list all the animes to each charactors----holy shit i'm the third biggest anime dealer on the site...sweet and its very long TAKEN FROM THE AMV.ORG BOARDS What Anime Characters Would Never Say **Ed Elric: I may be short, but six inches looks a heluva lot bigger on me than it does on you** Any Anime Character: You know, why don't we just sit down and talk this over some tea? I'm sure we can settle this like gentlemen. Megatron: Optimus, I'm pregnant Ranma: "WHEN THE WORKING DAY IS DONE... GIRLS... JUST WANT TO HAVE FUH-UNNNNNNNN" Tenchi: "Eeny... Meeny...Miney..." Yugi: "I give up! You win!" Kaneda: "Wow Tetsuo! You really let yourself go!" Black Jack: "The ankle bone's connected to the... leg bone..." Ash: "The Pokemon do WHAT!?" Keitarou: "DAAAAMN, Naru! You so FIIIIIIINE!" Shinji: "Hey Tohji, got any more acid on you? I could use a hit." Spike: "Why don't we all go down and see a play together? We could use the culture!" Alphonse Elric: f*** you a**hole Vash: "WAR AND PEACE!" Shinji: I have balls......................wow Utena: "I FEEL PRETTY! OH SO PRETTY! I FEEL PRETTY... AND WITTY... AND GA Goku: COUGH COUGH! I got laryngitis! Sailor Moon: "Oh NO you DIDN'T!" Yusuke: "I see dead people!" Kaname: "I forgive you, Sousuke Mugen: "1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10! Hey, that actually worked!" Misato: "Non-alcoholic please!" Madlax: "RELOAD! RELOAD! RELOAD! SHOOT OUTSIDE OF THE SCREEN!" Kaoru Nagisa: Anyone else phyched for Yuricon?! Heero Yuy: You what? I just don't feel like blowing the crap out of things to day. I think I'm gonna go home and cuddle with Relena-chan. Shinji: Fuck you, Dad! I'm a man, now and I demand to be treated like one! Now if you excuse me, I'm gonna go have a foursome with Misato, Asuka, and Ayanami! A Break for your eyes
-- Suichi: My love to tits and ass know no bounds. Rosette: *banging her head* IF YOU'RE 555 THAN I'M 666!!! - Hideaki Anno: Maybe smoking pot before making episodes 25 and 26 is a bad idea Quatre: (Screams random Arabic profanities) Miroku: Not now, I'm not in the mood. ***Any Female Hentai Character: OMG, I'm pregnant! And I have 400 STDs! *** Bardiel13: You know... there's more to life than just Mecha and Shoujo-ai! Alucard: I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world...Made from plastic its fantastic! ---------------------------- Luffy: What say we give up the pirate buisness and go work as policemen back home? Goku: Sorry guys I don't want anymore, I'm full. Gene Starwind: Aisha... I want you to take over the controls. Knives: Can't we all just get along?!?!?!?!? Kenshin: Death to you all!!! Piccolo: *prances about in a feild stopping every so often to pick a flower* I love my life now that I gave up fighting. - AZUMANGA TOMO - maybe i should tone it down a bit.. CHIYO CHAN- a f***** hate you all and when i get taller im gonna' kick the crap outta' you b***** YOMI- i dont need to diet, i have a great figure KAGURA- it doesnt matter if i lose, its the taking part that counts.. - - Asuka: I give up Shinji, you can do it with me Inuyasha: I love you Kagomi (please forgive me if this has already been said, but judging by the 100+ episodes I have seen, it hasn't, and never will) Sailor Moon: Blondes really do have more fun! Kenshin: D00d! are you dead? hello...? helloooo... oh shit Vash: Same as above Rei Ayanami: anything with emotion Gendo Ikari: So shinji, want to take over the world for "Bring your son to work day?" Gendo - Is this the child abuse hotline? Yes, I'd like to learn better methods of abusing my child... Ranma-chan - Hey Kasumi, can I borrow your dildo? - Shinji - Hey Asuka, can I borrow your dildo? Pikachu-Bitch I ain't gettin' in no ball. - Kenshin-I'll paint the walls with your blood. Rei-I'm so happy. Misato-I quit drinking InuYasha-Forget that stupid jewel. Let's go home. Shinji: COME HERE BABY! *grabs Asuka a kisses her* Asuka: MMMMMMMMM....... *they break the kiss* Wow Shinji! You're so amazing! Shinji: Come Asuka. Let us go and make sweet love all night long. Asuka: Alright. - Alphonse Elric: *wakes up in his new body, looks down, and notices that something is missing* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NO PENIS! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GO THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT MY MANHOOD! EDWARD ELRIC, I'M GONNA KILL YOU FOR DOING THIS TO ME! _________________ Shin-chan: "Just a second! I need to put on some clothes!" Mahoro: "Sleep around with as many women as you can while your still young!" Gendo Ikari: Hey, Shinji! How about you and me go toss the ol' pigskin for a while? Asuka: Hmm... Maybe I'm being too hard on Shinji... Pen-Pen: BOW DOWN TO ME, MY MINIONS!!! MUAHAHAHAHAAA!!! Heero Yuy: Eeew! Spandex pants make me look gay! So that's where the Yaoi fanbase came from! - Bardiel13: *yaaawwwn* After while, those KnM Girls get a little tiresome. Goku (ANY version...): I'm full Miroku: Not tonight, dear. Chang Wu-Fei: Why can't we all just get along? Sousuke Sagara: Oh what a beautiful MOOOOORNIIIIIIN'! Hiei: Oh what a beautiful daaaaaaaaaay! Vegeta: I've got a beautiful FEEEEEELIIIIIIIN' Shinji: Ev'rything's goin' my waaaaaaaaaaay! - Ash: *puts on rubber gloves and starts bitch slapping Pikachu on every syllable* WHAT! IF I TELL YOU TO GET IN YOUR BALL, MO-THA-FUC-KA, YOU GET IN YOUR BALL. AND WHO ARE YOU CAL-LING A BITCH? YOU NEED TO RE-MEM-BER THAT I OWN YOU. BITCH! chii: Degrade me all night long..master Naota's dad: You mean you wish you WERE a lesbian, because gramatically... Tenchi: Hey girls ....what say we go back to my room and have one great big orgy? Vash: That's it I'm tired of saving all these people, I'm going on a killing spree! -- Integral: Vampires...Humans.... Can't we all just get along?!?!? Celes: Master, are my boobs too big? Kenshin: Sano! What are you doing to poor Yahiko!? And why is he moaning...? (yes I know its nasty but I don't care) Gene: Aisha will you take off that stupid cat girl outfit, it's starting to get annoying. - Alucard: Oh, yeah, Count Chocula's a close personal friend of mine. Any Hentai Girl: Did you bring protection? (Hehe, i just had to rephrase my last one) Nyu - "No don't touch me there Kouta." Yuka - "Incest is wrong." Vash: Yo, pass the weed nephew! Alucard: Would you like a spot of tea? Ash: Screw this shit! Alucard: In the name of the Moon, I shall Destroy You! I am Sailor Alu! *strikes a pose* - -- Tenchi:(to all the girls)All of you!!Get the F*CK outta my house!! Shinji: I'm slim shinji all you other slim shiji's are just inmatating... So, won't the real slim shiji, please stand up. Hughes: I'm tired of talking about my daughter. I'm gonna go read porn instead Zatch Bell: I don't care about being king anymore. Let's just go to the bar and get a budweiser. Sesshomaru: Pet my fluff. Relena (Gundam Wing): Heero, go away! Ed (FMA): "My dad? Yeah he rocks" Batou (GitS): "Ah screw this philosophy" Petshop of Horrors: Count D: I sell pets that kill people. Cromartie High School: This episode features a plot. OOOOOHHHH NNNOOOOEEESSS Alucard: I am sooooo sad... :( -- Auska: Wow, I am a bitch... Vash: Shut up and DDDIIIEEE!!!!! inuyasha to kagome) hay can I see u'r boobs? - --- Vash the stampede: Thats it! DIE YOU A**HOLE!!!! Wolfwood: I lied! im not a prist!! XD ...now come here little boy ------ Cloud: Fuck off bitch! I want Yuffie! - washu: I tottally respect your personal space and will not probe you. Here, have some cookies. Esacaflowne Hitomi: Beam me up, Scotty! Shinji: "Road trip!" Alucard: "Violence is for p*ssies." Vash: "Well, i seem to have the sudden urge to rape and pillage, whos with me?" Jet: No, no, no.. It's right kick then pirouette. Mon dieu. Alucard:Maybe I should wear more black Alucard:I look like a pimp don't I? Alucard:Don't hurt me! Alucard:What to do... What to do? Maybe donate to charity. Alucard:You actually killed me. Vandread Hibiki:Damn these ladies are fine! Hibiki:"Meia you have a nice ass" Hibiki:Jura your boobs are freaken huge! And you look hella slutty. Jura:Thanks Jura:I don't care about combining. Jura:Barnet I know your a lesbian so why don't we get it on and not just make people think otherwise. Hibiki:Dita your flat as a board. Fullmetal Alchemist Ed:Maybe we should leave mom dead and think about the future. Al:Get some backbone you worm! Major Armstrong:Maybe I'll keep the shirt on? Nina:I know what your doing father and I don't like it. Major Hughs(hopefully spelt right):Maybe I shouldn't trust that humunculus that's going to obviously kill me? Scar:I'll team up with Edward Elric and destroy the military... I mean save everyone. -- Evangellion Shinji: "Miss Misato, could i have a beer?" Shinji: "Suck it b****!" Asuka: "Its true, im just a dirty tramp at heart fma's AL: screw humanity I'm imortal! Elfen Lied Lucy: I...I'm sorry I ever hurt anyone... Koata slaps Lucy knocking her down Koata: Damn straight your sorry, now your gonna be a whole lot sorrier when I'm through wit 'chu! Koata pulls his belt off his pants, and begins to mercilessly whip Lucy Lucy: Please stop... Help... someone... anyone... why are you doing this Koata I love you. Koata: WOMAN! Don't ever talk back to a man ol' you regret it. - Shinji: So you're telling me that you want me to save this hot girl's life, pilot a giant killer robot, kick that giant monster thing's ass, and save the world? Gendo: Yeah, pretty much. -----Shinji: Cool! Misato: No, I'm not a pedophile... Shinji: Wow, I am one cool-ass motherfucker. Why am I so awesome? Rei: Wow Shinji, you really are a spineless, self-hating pussy Gendo is so much cooler than you are! Asuka: Wow Shinji, you're SO much cooler than Kaji is! Asuka: Ack, I can't beat this angel all by myself! Rei, Shinji, help me! Maya: Sorry Dr. Akagi, but I only like the cock. Okay Kaji, your place or mine? Kaji: Sorry (Misato/Ritsuko/Maya/whoever), but I only like girls half my own age. Okay Asuka, your place or mine? Asuka: Sorry Kaji, but I'm only interested in guys my own age. Okay Toji, your place or mine? Toji: Sorry Misato, but I only like girls my own age. Okay class rep, your place or mine? Kaworu: Sorry Shinji, but I only like the pussy. Okay hordes of drooling fangirls, your place or mine? Ritsuko: Where's the "any" key? Wolfwood: All hail the Great Satan Shinji: You scratched my EVA... YOUR ASS IS MINE!!!* *quote from I Was a Teenage EVA Pilot Vash after gotten shot: BITCH YOUR ASS IS MINE! - Rei: Man this sex drive is driving me insane!! >.< Shinji!! Take me!!! Gendo Ikari: Yo, this is Iki!!!! Welcome to pimp my Eva! Today we got this old 2014 Evangelion 01, we`ll have to totally rework it and give it some style. So say Fuyutsuki, what are we gone do with the bodywork. Fuyutsuki Kouzou: We gone complitly remove the bodywork and replace it with this new extra wide bodykit, consisting of a spacial titan alloy... Gendo ikari: So Akagi what about the interior? Akagi Ritsuko: We`ll install a 5000000000 watt surround sound system, a mp3/DVD player and a playstation 10. The sound-waves gone have enough power to destroy an entire city. To secure the power supply we will install two S2-Engins.... Gendo Ikari: So here`s your brand new Eva 01. You`re officially pimpt!!! ------------------------------------------- Gendo: today.. i have a dream!! a dream to make clones of my dead wife and ASS RAPE them repeadly! Ah! My Goddess Belldandy: You are right Keiichi, you are a loser ------ NGE Asuka: Shinji makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Shinji: I WILL SUCCEED!!! Asuka:*singing* My balogna has a first name it's o-s-c-a-r... Ah! My Goddess Belldandy: Keichii? I hate you..... ryu(streetfighter-man I hate fighting, i always wanted to be a hobo...why can't I be a hobo, I mean its alot better than getting my face borken Hellsing: Anderson: "Oy vey..." Mobile Suit Gundam: Char: "...On second thought, she's really too young for me." Ein from cowboy bebop: *rubbing temples* Now, if you'd all just listen to me, you gang of debauched, deranged psychopaths, we would be rich and up to at least the young prepubescent child's arse in grade A bitches and Alpo. (takes a canine aspirin) Any of the SD Gundams: We look so gay - - Kenshin: Miss Karou you have nice boobs, that you do. Kenshin: Fuck not killing people Vash, lets go find Knieves Yugi: JOEY GIVE UP YOU SUCK!!!! - --- Domon Kasshu: SHINING MIDDLE FINGER!!!!!!!!!! - ---- Domon Kasshu: I HAD A DREAM.... WERE WHITE PEOPLE....... - -- Shinji: ZOMG! REI! *FAP* *FAP* *FAP* *FAP* *FAP* I CAME! *SPLURGE* Asuka: Shinji, you so sexy... Rei: I feel pretty~, oh so pretty~, I feel pretty~ and happy~ and li~ght! ---- Melfina (Outlaw Star): Gene you're such a &#%(@ drunk. Asuka (NGE): Where are my bi-polar pills? - Vash (Trigun): Where the hell do I keep getting bullets from ----- Shinji spazing out: I AM CORNHOLIO!!! I NEED TEE PEE FOR MY BUNGHOLE!!!! FOR I HAVE NO BUNG HOLE!!!!....hey *jitters*......whats going on --- -------- Vash: Meryl, will you please stop bugging me? You look like my mother, and that kinda gives me the heebie-jeebies. *nervous giggle* Vash: Man, I'd kill for a doughnut right now. Legato: What a coincidence; so would I . Vash: How about a kiss from your little brother? Knives: You have the wrong script, Vash. But, as you're offering Shinji: FTSITTTD!!! (Fuck This Shit It's Time To Throw Down) - ------ Spike Spiegel: "Okay everyone, let's talk about our feelings." Kenshin: Bow to your sensei... BOW TO YOUR SENSEI. - Gendou: "...can I have a hug?" (/Dr. Evil voice Trigun: Wolfwood: "Jews for Jesus Chi - SHUT UP HIDEKI YOU ASS!!! Rei: Incest is best... - Edward Elric: Fuck it Al lets go home.... Al Elric:....but you burned the house remember?? Edward Elric: .......... GODDAMNIT YOUR RIGHT..... - - Last episode of Neon Genesis Evangelion Shinji: ( ~crying~ ) OK FUCK IT.... THIS EPISODE SUCKS I'M LEAVING -- Shinji: yo! yo! yo! Im the great white rapper Slim shinji!! And introducing my biatch.. ASS-suka Loves to suck cock langley! Asuka: Ooh slim...give me some of that bid jolly rancher between your legs daddy. Gendo : If your happy and you know it clap your hands! if youre happy and you know it and you really wanna show it clap your hands! Commander Ikari: Ok Ritsuko, is the next Rei clone ready yet? Ritsuko: Yes she is but, there is a little problem.... Ikari: What? *Doors burst open*----- Rei: I LIKE SQURRIELS!!!1 WHEEEEEEEE!!*runs down to the eva hanger* HaYlO UNIT 00 I LUV j00s!!1one*hugs unit 00* NOW MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!1 Ritsuko: She's a total n00b. Ikari: OMFG, LAME!! Belldandy: Listen here you stupid peice of s***! I ain't your b**** no more! Chi: Hideki doesn't measure up. Chi is not happy about this :( Asuka: "This one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my cunt. " Rei: "So what. I stuck a Tuba in mine." Shinji: "That's what I'm talkin' about Gendo: "Shinji, I am your father." Shinji: "NO!! IT CAN'T BE!!!" Asuka: "Alright Shinji, You lost. So lose the shorts." Shinji: "Oh, Ok Knives: Maybe its time I give up my life of killing, murder, and mayhem. Maybe I should go live in the desert anf run naked and free with the animals.(strips naked and runs into desert singing, Born to be Alive). Edward Elric: WHAT? They're called platform shoes!! - a hentai girl: im not in the mood for sex tonight Sasuke (To Naruto, during fight) Yer gonna get R*PED!!! Shinji: This is getting pretty wierd. Rei: Shinji, I AM YOUR MOTHER! (Plus a really corny reply) Shinji: No, that's not true! Your her clone...there's a difference - Rei: Shinji, you so like the most amazing guy that I like ever met. And like Asuka is like jealous of you and everything and................................................... Gundam SEED: Kira: "Wade into them! Spill their blood, shoot them in the belly! When you put your hand into that pile of goo, which a moment before was your friend's face, you'll know what to do!" --- rei- asuka i love you!!! ritsuko- i am a lesbian misato will you go out with me? sakura(ccs)- yukito sucks! Ash(pokemon)-...ok thats IT!!this has been going on for 10 years people!! I QUIT!!i'm not catching anymore pokemon i mean theres like 100000000 of them now and i've only caught like 30!! Edward elric-*at a height awareness group*Hello i'm edward elric and...i'm SHORT!!*everyone applauds* Love Hina: Keitarou= hey Narusegawa let me punch you Alucard: Of course I'm a trained phlebotemist. Just sit back and relax. You won't feel a thing. Alucard: London Blood Bank, how may I direct your call? Alucard: Of course, Mr. Sutton, your reservation is all set... now if you'll just tell me how you'd like your coffin shipped..? *click* Mr. Sutton? Mr. Sutton? Goku: Christ on a cracker, I need to shit. FMA Hues-Gracia, I want a divorce Roy-So Ed, is that a watch in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? - FMA Hues-Gracia, I want a divorce Roy-So Ed, is that a watch in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Hellsing Alucard-*I'm SUPER!!!! Thanks for asking!!* Kaoru Nagisa:I'M NOT GAY! - Vash - Kill, Crush, Death, Destroy! Naruto - Doubt It! Tenchi: Pimpin ain't easy. Shinji (to Rei): "Rei, if someone asks if you are a god, you say YES!" (Ghostbusters(1984) FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST from chapter 24: Roy:you can choose to live the rest of your days as a self-pitying cripple with a suit of armor for a brother... or you can make a real contributation to alchemy by allying yourself with the military...and find a way to change yourself back! Ed: I'll take the cripple thing-G'bye Ed's mom:EDWARD!!! GO TO YOUR D*** ROOM!! GIT YER LAZY A** IN THERE D*** IT! JUST WAIT TILL YAH FATHAH GITS HOME!!! Shinji: i feel like i can do everything today, just enjoy life and forget all the things with my dad, pilot my eva with a smile and mayba ask Rei out for dinner Shinji: ZOMG LIFE R0xx0rz! Rei: Oh Shinji lets go 'play' in my room. Asuka: Please be quiet, Im trying to read. Toji: No thanks, I dont like porn. Kaoru: Eww Shinji stop touching me! Im straight!! EVA-01: I dont like it when you touch me like that. Gendo Ikari: Pull down your pants Shinji like a good boy. Kaji: Sorry Misato, Im not in the mood... Kensuke: Eh I dropped my glasses... Pen-Pen: More beer please. Evangelion •Shinji (to Hikari): "It was like slow motion. He leaves his seat and goes through the windshield, headfirst straight into a tree, right? And then bounces back through the windshield. And by the time we got to him, he was just sitting there, trying to scream with his face ripped off." •Toji: ... •Shinji: "What's the matter?" •Toji: "Not hungry anymore." •Shinji: "Give it here!"
Posted on 01/22/2007 9:01 PM Comments (1)
January 14, 2007Just Plain Wrong pt 2sorry to all teh ladies out there but this must be addressed all taken from DontMakeHerMad.com ----------View article : Woman to work with police to "encourage more reports" of domestic violence (10/12/2006, South Oregon Mail Tribune) A self-described "victims advocate" in Medford, Oregon has been hired (paid 43K/yr. by U.S. taxpayers) specifically to coax allegations of purported domestic violence.
Analysis: Negative development for men.
Definition of "coax": "To manipulate with great perseverance and usually with considerable effort toward a desired state or activity"Merriam-Webster Dictionary Yep, I'd say that's going on here. Women who are not authentic victims are being coaxed into filling out police reports by "victims advocates" who believe all women are in denial about their own victimhood. As a result, justice suffers, and the justice system is needlessly drained. Far worse, innocent men are prosecuted, losing their freedom, access to their kids, reputation, and livelihoods. Such "victims' advocates" are federally funded via America's Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), which effectively denies the existence of abuse against men and props up an industry dependent on more funding (funding that is tied to a continuous stream of newly arrested men). Regarding VAWA and its related abuses, read a special report by RADAR (Respecting Accuracy in Domestic Abuse Reporting):
Founder, DontMakeHerMad.com ----------------The Catalog of Anti-Male Shaming Tactics (6/9/2006, MenForJustice.net) An organization called "Men Going Their Own Way" has published a document about feminist tactics to shame men into silence about anti-male injustices. The article lists the various rhetorical devices used by feminists, and how thinking men can identify and refute them.
Analysis: Positive development for men. DontMakeHerMad.com has long maintained that any woman's false allegations of domestic abuse are ignored as such in the courts. We promote electronic surveillance as the most reliable way to expose false allegations. But the discussion of injustices against men cannot wait until such footage is shown to the public; the discussion should take place now. Part of a successful discussion involves overcoming anticipated resistance by feminists with a vested interest in the current anti-male judicial system. This guide is a useful tool to equip men for debating such feminist hardliners. ------
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Woman faces domestic charges (8/29/2006, Macomb Journal)
A 22-year-old woman gets on top of a 23-year-old man and chokes him by the neck at 1:15 in the morning. Both are arrested, although the man is later released without charge. The woman is charged, served with a restraining order, and later released.
Analysis: Negative development for men. The only reason why the man is not facing charges or a restraining order is because he didn't fight back. Most men can easily overpower women physically, and considering their ages (her 22, him 23) this would certainly be the case. For this reason, men are expected to endure being attacked without defending themselves; their only option is to flee, but she was on top of him. The man had to endure the woman's assault until police finally arrived and saw her choking him. Even after she was seen doing this, the woman felt confident enough to lie that she was only roughhousing with the man (which the man refuted). That she would feel entitled enough to assault him and then lie to police who had seen her is a sign of a gross double-standard in domestic violence arrest policy. Lastly, since Illinois (where this occurred) is not a "mandatory arrest" state, officers have discretion on who to arrest. Even after seeing the male victim being choked and the female perpetrator unharmed, they still arrested both people! The bias required to arrest a man who officers actually saw being choked is astounding, and outrageous. ---------------------------------------------
A woman burns her baby to death, falsely accuses "masked intruders," then avoids jail by pleading to infanticide rather than murder.
Analysis: Negative development for men.
This woman walks, all because her victim is an infant rather than a grown adult. Should increased age offer greater legal protections, while the most precious and defenseless babies are fodder for arsonist murderers? Not only was this woman a child killer, but she also invented a lie to cover her tracks. And she walks. In Britain (where this crime occurred), there is a law called the Infanticide Act. A little research on Wikipedia reveals a chilling fact: "In recent years it has become very rare for a mother who kills her infant child to receive a custodial sentence, save in very exceptional circumstances." That's right -- mothers who kill their kids increasingly WALK. Research in America (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2003) reveals women are the chief domestic threat to children here and here.
This kind of injustice cries out for action: political retaliation against the prosecutors who offer such plea bargains, and legislation to increase penalties for child killers (who are principally women).-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------View article : Police: De Queen woman slaps self, tells cops that husband did it (8/29/2006, WREG-TV Memphis) A woman stabs her husband, then falsely accuses her husband of domestic abuse after slapping her own face to convince police of her story.
Analysis: Positive development for men. The law was enforced, and applied properly. Women who pull these kinds of stunts as a method of gaining advantage over men ought to be arrested, and this woman was. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A recent survey in Australia reveals that the anti-male stereotype of "men as aggressors, women as victims" is deteriorating. More Australians now recognize that members of both genders are equally capable of inflicting violence on each other, rather than just men (as is often implied in popular culture). Experts attribute this sea change in opinion to a government-funded commercial favorable of men.
Analysis: Positive development for men. Even though the text of this news article is slanted against the survey findings (the article calls the survey results "propoganda"), the fact that more Australians see violence as a societal problem (rather than a gender problem) shows progress for all men in that country. I must say, Gender Politics are interesting
Posted on 01/14/2007 10:42 PM Comments (0)
ITS JUST WRONG!sorry to all teh ladies out there but this must be addressed all taken from DontMakeHerMad.com -----------View article : Police say woman was not assaulted on trail (1/5/2007, cbc.ca) Another woman has made a false allegation of rape, as well as additional false allegations. Despite her admission of lying to police, she has not been criminally charged. Had she kept her lie a secret, any man she had accused would have had his life ruined (perhaps in prison).
Analysis: Negative development for men. The woman was not charged with a crime, even though she confessed to one. Her lie could have put innocent men behind bars, and had additional collateral damage on their families and work colleagues. Unless false accusers start paying for their crime, there will be no disincentive to making false allegations. The police said this woman "needs help," which may be true, but this help could have accompanied a criminal sentence. ------------
View article : False rape report leads to 1-year sentence (11/10/2006, Los Angeles Times)
 Analysis: Positive development for men. This is a total vindication of the surveillance methods promoted by DontMakeHerMad.com to fight false allegations. Men who fear a future false allegation by a woman have so much to lose without absolute proof of their innocence. The state's burden to prove guilt has been eclipsed by an outrageous expectation on accused men, requiring them to "prove" their innocence. How is this possible, without surveillance?
Some men, however, are concerned that using surveillance might subject them to criminal charges by violating privacy laws. But remember, in a democracy the District Attorney has prosecutorial discretion to decide not to charge someone with a crime. Women who try to "play the system" are not likely to generate any sympathy with prosecutors who are shown proof (in the form of surveillance) that the system is being manipulated. Note that none of the men who recorded the video were charged for doing so. Without reforms in criminal law and family law, we are heading into a world in which the only thing that can save a falsely accused man from years behind bars is the record button.----------------------------------------------------View article : Appeals court hears taped-call dispute (10/31/2006, Associated Press) An appeals court is set to decide whether it is a criminal act to transfer a recording of an intercepted phone call to the media, even if the person sharing the call did not record it. The recorded phone call in question was an intercepted cell phone conversation taken in 1996 of then-Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, as he spoke with fellow legislators while driving on the freeway. Political activists opposed to Gingrich intercepted the call, and transferred it to Congressman Jim McDermott (also a political opponent of Gingrich). McDermott then provided the recording to the press, and it is this act that resulted in criminal charges against him. These charges are now on appeal.
Analysis: Watching. The result of the appeal could be far-reaching. For men falsely accused of domestic abuse, a surveillance recording may be the only evidence proving their innocence. However, various state laws prohibit covertly obtained surveillance (possibly even in one's own defense against criminal charges). If an innocent man had surveillance footage proving that he is innocent, yet such footage was squashed as inadmissible prior to trial, he may very well be convicted of a crime he didn't commit. Assuming the appelate courts provided no remedy for such a falsely accused man, the only outlet would be to release the exonerating footage he had captured to the press (or to the general public). Yet a ruling against Congressman McDermott could make even this act illegal, making the very act of disseminating incontrovertible evidence of the truth a crime itself. ----------------------------------------------------
View article : Indian domestic violence law eliminates "innocent until proven guilty" legal concept (10/26/2006, Canadian Press)
A new law against domestic violence took effect on October 26, 2006, making it illegal for men to "emotionally abuse" their wives, criticize their wives for not providing a dowry, or even criticize her actual conduct. According to Nirmala George of the Canadian Press, "Now, when a woman files a complaint the onus is on the man to prove that he did not abuse his wife. The law also ensures the woman's right to stay in the family home."
Analysis: Negative development for men.
The legal concept of "innocent until proven guilty" is now a farce in India (as it is in the western world when men are accused by women). Even merely criticizing a woman would result in jail time and hundreds of dollars in fines, while the man is kicked out of his own home while being prevented from selling it. Without a trial, and without any "evidence" of the LACK of abuse (an insane legal standard), men are at the mercy of a woman's emotions. Hence the name of this Web site: DontMakeHerMad.com. Once the onus is on the accused to prove a negative, i.e. prove that he has NOT done a thing, the only way to prove one's innocence reliably is surveillance. Eyewitnesses are subject to their own biases, presumptions, and human error (and they are not always available as witnesses to prove/disprove allegations). Constant surveillance of a woman's abusive behavior is the key. When the onus is on the accused to "prove" his innocence (rather than on the state to prove his guilt), it's time to press the record button.----------
Posted on 01/14/2007 10:35 PM Comments (0)
a little weirdI don't know why i'm writing about this but around 15 mins agoi got back from a walk. recently it's been raining a real lot, but now it's quite foggy and me generally loving fog went outside for a walk. as i started from my house down my street i felt calm and comfortable. i don't know why i enjoy the fog so much, it made it warm enough to go out in just a long sleave shirt, so i started walking about halfway down the road i saw someone walking far behind me, wearing something black.. nautrally i thought nothing of it, but i'm a little paronoid and check a few more times, soon near the road i hopped a fence to get into the schools field. there i stopped for a minute in the middle of the field to look how the streetlights in the distance made orbs of dull light around the few trees in the field, i just stood there for a minute adiming the effect(i wish i brought my camara) and enjoying the weather i saw a square little concrete structure, and sat down on it for a minute or two looking out at the field...it was a truly relaxing scene after a few minutes i got up and looked back at the fence and the same guy from the street was there walking across the field in my direction, i'm thinking "wtf? why the hell'd he follow me?" so i got up and started walking towards the playground in a fast walking speed, "son of a bitch, must be following me" then i think "calm the hell down, you've been playing too much silent hill" when i turn past a school wall i start to move at a faster speed and move on the more open side of the street, with less trees "why am i acting so irrationally" i'm thinking after about 2 minutes i'm back home, had a cookie and wrote this ......yeah, just something out of the ordinary
Posted on 01/14/2007 2:30 PM Comments (3)
December 22, 2006A Merry Jill Christmas (Resident evil)A MERRY JILL CHRISTMAS (REMADE!) CREATED BY ORIGINALJOECOOL OF RESIDENT EVIL IGN BOARDS
man that was funny
Posted on 12/22/2006 6:48 PM Comments (0)
December 19, 2006Chuck Norris FactsFear the almight Ranger The True Facts about Chuck Norris
Posted on 12/19/2006 5:17 PM Comments (0)
December 12, 2006How To Spice Up Your HolidaysFrom I-mockery.com
Posted on 12/12/2006 4:13 PM Comments (2)
December 2, 2006Laws of AnimeAfter waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to much time on Wikipedia (plot devices and such) i found this The Laws of AnimeVersion 6.0Originally compiled and edited by Darrin Bright and Ryan Shellito Read about the history of the Laws of Anime.
Law of Metaphysical Irregularity The normal laws of physics do not apply. Law of Differentiated Gravitation Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4. Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way. Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity. Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science. Law of Temporal Variability Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight. First Law of Temporal Mortality 'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down. Second Law of Temporal Mortality It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain. Law of Dramatic Emphasis Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white). Law of Dramatic Multiplicity Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles. Law of Inherent Combustability Everything explodes. Everything.
Law of Phlogistatic Emission Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds. Law of Energetic Emission There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustability. Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude The destructive potential of a weapon is inversly proportional to its size.
Law of Inexhaustability No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious. Law of Inverse Accuracy The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.
Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability Minmei is a bimbo. Law of Hemoglobin Capacity The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure. Law of Demonic Consistency Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown (but black is not unknown), and can only be hurt by bladed weapons. Law of Militaristic Unreliability Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song. Law of Tactical Unreliability Tactical geniuses aren't.... Law of Inconsequential Undetectability People never notice the little things... Like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle. Law of Juvenile Intellectuality Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying. Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny 'Bad Guy' or a big stupid 'Good Guy'.
Law of Mandibular Proportionality (from A. Hicks) The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating. (from A. Hicks) Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably: Law of Conservation of Firepower (from U. Williams) Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort. Law of Technological User-Benevolence (from U. Williams) The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity. Law of Melee Luminescence (from U. Williams) Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil. Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism (from U. Williams) All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason. Law of Follicular Chroma Variability (from Spellweaver) Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation. Law of Follicular Permanence Hair in anime is pretty much indestructable, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons! Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics *ANY* shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic. Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines. Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene). Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably wear a long cloak which doesn't hamper movement and billows out dramatically behind him.
Law of Musical Omnipotence Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on... especially if they have never attempted these things before. Law of Quitupular Aggultination (from Daniel Mikula) Also called "The Five-man Rule," when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are:
Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:
Law of Extradimensional Capacitance (from Jason Bustard) All anime females have an extradimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment's notice.
Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid. Law of Inverse Attraction Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get.
Law of Nasal Sanguination (from Ryan Pritchard and Jason Aylen) When sexually aroused, males in Anime don't get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one's sure why this is, though... the current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law #38 above). Females don't get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region. Law of Xylolaceration (from Lyndon Harris) Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper. Law of Juvenile Omnipotence (from Erin Alia) Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time and twice the angst. Law of Quadrotriscadecophobia There is no Law #43. Law of Nominative Clamovocation (from Luiko-Ysabeth and Adrian Hsiah) The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced. Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis (from R. A. Hubby) Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they've seen it before, any 'Bad Guys' witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (from Conrad Knauer) Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives the site is http://www.abcb.com/laws/index.htm
Posted on 12/02/2006 12:50 PM Comments (6)
November 22, 2006shocking finding well not really(updating) Robin Williams daughter was named after zelda from the legend of zelda LOL Zelda Ray Williams (born July 31, 1989) is an American actress and the daughter of Robin Williams. Her first big role was that of Melissa, the main character's teenage love interest in the 2004 film House of D. She was named after Princess Zelda of the Legend of Zelda series
Posted on 11/22/2006 8:36 PM Comments (2)
watched showsJust here for my own self referance-not complete, need to remember them Ah? My Goddess--OVA, both seasons, (new season may be in production) Elfin Lied--Entire show, OVA Fullmetal alchemist--Entire show, 1 OVA, part of movie Chobits--entire show MEGAS XLR (watched both seasons, got first in documents) Mahou- all Rizelmine-all (hey i liked it)
Posted on 11/22/2006 4:22 PM Comments (0)
November 19, 2006video probs
Has anyone else been unable to upload any videos?
Posted on 11/19/2006 6:56 PM Comments (0)
October 22, 2006you got suggestionsany suggestions for what i should upload (my bro Ridge got on here an deleted the first journal) so sorry about that Suggestions ----------------------------------------------------- lupin the third,
comfirmed -------------------------------------------------
Posted on 10/22/2006 3:25 PM Comments (3)
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