Princess ZeldaPrincess ZeldaFrom Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Zelda (Zapping Evil Liberal Dutch Asses), (born 23 May 1955, or so she claims ) or Zelda-member, is a multipurpose female android housing the soul of the long dead Dutch messiah and ladies' man Linky dink. Zelda's sole function in life is fulfil the wishes of her creator, Shigeru Miyamoto. Although he claims to have created Zelda by himself in his garage, rumour has it, that it was actually Japanese Scientist Yoshi Luigi. Originally created from the souls of dead dutchmen and burnt-out NES systems, Zelda is a transformer with two known forms, entitled Girly-girl Mode and Kick-Ass-Crossdresser Mode (Sheik). She has had many different forms throughout the past 20 years, each serving a different purpose in her overarching goal of conquering the world. This time, it's 'Kill, Maim, Destroy!' (Last time, it was 'Seek, Locate, Exterminate'.) Zelda was once seen working on the streets of Hyrule as a prostitute, who has done all the sages...hard. (Go-Goddamn Figure).
[edit] StatsZelda has recently been upgraded to version 3.2.7 and is now equipped with two enormous eyes that house two high-powered positron cannon, which can vaporize anything within a 5-mile radius. Additionally Zelda is armed with two side-mounted rail guns, fingertip poison dart launchers, nuclear-tipped Hellfire missiles, a matter disassembler and a set of chemically enhanced pheromones that can stun any mammal within a 20 foot proximity. Added effects of the latter are educing monologuing in evil villians (see the Ganondorf Incident) and giving little kids delusions of grandeur. She also has two lasers located inside her man-chest, and can support Windows Vista and Mac OS X. [edit] And Thus She Didn't Conquer The WorldShigeru Miyamoto's single order to Zelda was "Go forth and subdue the world in my name!" As per his decree, Zelda lead the combined forces of Nerds and Emos against the last outpost of Rebel Alliance: the Microsoft Corporation. After many long days of fighting and much deadly eye-beaming, Princess Zelda managed to Macgyver a titanic armed Tickle Me Elmo, piloted by an elite team of Ewoks. The Elmo-zilla smashed the entire Microsoft Fortress into the ground with a giant Blue Screen of Death as Bill Gates sat around and cried. [edit] Life in Retirement
Zelda returned home a conquering hero, and was granted the right to resume her role as Zoroaster. To this day Zelda may be seen walking around Persia, miraculously creating fire from thin air with a Bic lighter, preaching to the Persians, and smiting the Heathens and Unbelievers with her Hellfire missiles and death-ray eye beams. Also she has been seen with her boyfriend Link in porn movies such as "I fucked a Hero" , "How does his penis bend that way" and they also featured in "Mario and Peach's Foursome". Zelda is now living in a resort with Link in mushroom kingdom since Link has learned the power to teleport. All she does in mushroom kingdom is get molested by Link and have awesome threesomes with Toad and Link. Daisy sometimes included. [edit] People Who Have Kidnapped Zelda
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