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 What would Ciaphas Cain do if he were here right now?
He'd make a plan and follow through cause thats what Ciaphas Cain
would do

When Cain was in the black crusade
Fighting abbadon
He fucked a pair of sister Demonettes
While keeping his cap on

And While Ciaphas Cain was in Alps
Fight an Ork Warrgh
He used Jurgen's melta gun
And Saved the Day again

When Ciaphas Cain built the Imperial Palace
He beat up Jaghatai Khan

So what would Ciaphas Cain do if he was here today? I'm sure he'd kick
an arse or two. That's what Ciaphas Cain would do.

When Ciaphas Cain traveled through time to the year of the beginning, he
fought the evil C'tan king and saved us all agian.
When Ciaphas Cain built the Web way, he beat up the Demon Khorn!
Cause Ciaphas doesn't take shit from an-y-bo-dy!

No! Cain! That Farseer Macha has Aids! Don't fuck her!

Lenin waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were kulaks in the Kremlin. He didn't see them, but had expected them now for years. His warnings to Stalin were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.
Lenin was a Soviet for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the communists and he said to dad "I want to be a communist daddy."
Dad said "No! You will BE KILL BY BURGEOISE"
There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the capital of the USSR he knew there were kulaks.
"This is Marx" the radio crackered. "You must fight the kulaks!"
So Lenin gotted his palsma rifle and blew up the wall.
"HE GOING TO LIBERATE THE PROLETARIAT" said the kulaks
"I will shoot at him" said the American and he fired the rocket missiles. Lenin plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up. But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.
"No! I must kill the kulaks" he shouted
The radio said "No, Lenin. You are the kulaks"
And then Lenin was a rich peasant.

See, i find the whole pedo stuff sick and i really don't like ideas of people boning children. However, you guys have been talking about this animu called Lucky Star

 and although the anime isn't funny or interesting, there is something about this blue-hair loli that is interesting to me.

You guys made me like loli. fuck you weeboos, fuck you

See, i find the whole pedo stuff sick and i really don't like ideas of people boning children. However, you guys have been talking about this animu called Lucky Star

<a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i174.photobucket.com/albums/w100/LinkinaTank/Konata.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a>

 and although the anime isn't funny or interesting, there is something about this blue-hair loli that is interesting to me.

You guys made me like loli. fuck you weeboos, fuck you

This is an example of a "object" that can be actually used, not some crappy symbolic thing of my favorite objects

Holder of Peace

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house in you can get yourself to. Storm up to the front desk with a look of rage on your face and demand to see a person who calls himself "The Holder of Peace" immediately. The attendant will recoil, and ask you to speak softly. Do not comply with his request- if anything, speak louder- for the anger in your voice is all that keeps the chains locked on the door behind the desk. Should you lower your voice, the attendant will duck, and what comes out of that door will dismember you in an instant but leave the pain behind for all eternity.

Keep the anger in your voice- the attendant will duck under his desk and point with a quivering finger down a hall to the right that was not there before. Immediately turn and stomp off down the hall. Do not look over your shoulder, for should the attendant catch you- and he will- he will casually lean back and flip the lock off the door behind him.

Walk until you find a door with a beautiful mother-of-pearl inlay design. Throw it open, but take the rage off your face IMMEDIATELY- the ones inside do not appreciate such anger.

With a peaceful look across your face, enter. You are in a beautiful, open-aired temple, with ivy curling up the marble pillars and beautiful mosaics embroidering the walls. The door will lock behind you. Do not try to open it, for it never will, and the monks in brown robes you see wandering about will do anything to get you to stay- even if it means your death.

Wander around. No matter what language you speak, the monks speak it too. They're friendly, and all of them would love to chat, but politely decline. Tell them you must speak with the Head of the Order.

Eventually you will be directed to a man sitting at a chessboard. The figure across from him is hooded and wearing armor. Do not attempt to speak to him, or your death will be far worse than any vision of hell that man could conjure up. Instead, turn to the man in the now-familiar brown robes. The game is one away from checkmate.

Bow, and ask nicely "Why do they gather, Father?"

He opens his mouth as if to speak. But the figure across from him lets out a demonic howl of rage and draws a sword. It is beautifully crafted, but seems somehow stained with an unthinkable evil. With a yell, the figure will kick you down and begin systematically slaughtering the other monks. They will try to fight back, but they have only staves, and the sword the madman wields is so sharp that it slices through the pillars like a knife through butter.

As you are watching this, the monk will make the final move in the game. The man in armor will swing around, and then run at you with the sword upraised.

If you were rude or did something wrong, you will be rent at the atomic level by the blade of the sword, and the pain will never cease. However, if you were polite, the Head Monk will step in front of you and jam the black king into the right eye of the warrior.

Pay no heed or sympathy as he falls to the ground, screaming, or the Monk will whirl around and do the same to you with the white king. Instead, focus on the Head Monk, who has now turned around to face you.

He will tell you why they gather. It is a long tale, so fraught with bloodshed and horror that it may well snap your mind. But if you survive its telling, he will reach under the table with the chessboard and pass you a scabbard richly jeweled and inlaid with gold. Though you have never seen it before, you instinctively know that it matches the sword the warrior was wielding a moment ago. Do not hesitate- take it, walk over, pick up the madman's sword, wipe it, and sheath it. Buckle it on as well- you will have need of it.

Move to leave, but before you do, the good Father will halt you and gesture towards the now-unhooded face of the warrior. He was handsome, but pay no heed to that. The one thing you should be focusing on is the fact that the black king is gone. Look up at the Father, who will nod and say one word; "Regicide".

A flash of light will blind you, and when your sight returns you will be standing on the curb two blocks down from the asylum. Step back onto the sidewalk- you don't want to have an accident.

The sword you now wield once belonged to the white king, and is object number 45 of 538. The black king is running from the scene of his murder, and the white king's sword longs for vengeance.

sadly, only 5 or six of these items actually do anything other than add to "the things that shall never be joind" shit well anyway

Holder of Light

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house in you can get yourself to. When you reach the front desk, close your eyes and ask to visit someone who calls himself "The Holder of Light”. You will be guided to a single door leading to a long winding hallway. You will be told to open your eyes. The hallway will be complete darkness, narrow enough only for you to feel the walls and navigate yourself forward.

If at any moment along the way the lights should come on, shut your eyes immediately and quickly make your way back to the door you came in. If your eyes stay open for more than a second, what you see will force you to instinctively tear them out.

If the lights stay off however, you will make your way to the end of the hall and another door. If there is a light from under the door leave immediately, what you came for is not there. If there is no light from under the door, carefully turn the handle and enter.

The room will be completely dark, aside from the lone candle in the center. What little light it brings reveals an outline of a cloak hovered over it. The man underneath the cloak is completely still. If you say anything, the man will tear out your eyes and devour your soul, and you will be forced to take his place under the cloak for the rest of eternity. There is only one question that the man will respond to, “What can protect us from them?”

If you proceed to ask this question, a piercing scream will ring out from the candle and a series of lights will illuminate the room, revealing the images of the most horrifying thoughts, fantasies and memories from all consciousness throughout history. Most people cannot handle this event, and will go insane or die instantly. However, If you should somehow manage to survive this, the man in the center of the room will rise slowly and put his hands to your head. You will be forced to look at his face. His face appears young, with the exception of two large cavities where his eyes once where. At this point you must not look away or you will be forever forgotten in time. He will then open your hand and place a small, round object into your right hand. You will be left feeling no pain, but the horrifying images will be burned into your memory for all eternity.

The eye you hold in your hand is object 5 of 538. The awakening has begun, they must not be brought together.

Holder of Nothing

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house in you can get yourself to. When you reach the front desk, ask to visit someone who calls himself "The Holder of Nothing". Should a look of sheer, primal disgust mar the workers expression, you will then be taken to a separate building, which appears to be an old, wooden outhouse. Inside will be a seemingly endless corridor far, far longer than the length of the outhouse.

There will be no sound in the corridor. Attempting to make any at the wrong time is a grievous, grievous mistake. You will notice the lights in the corridor get brighter and brighter as you make your way down towards the end, becoming nearly blinding. If at any point the lights go out, QUICKLY shout out "No! Stop! What you are doing is wrong!" while backing away. If the lights do not come back on, bolt for the door you came in through. It should still be open and hopefully you aren't far enough down the hallway for them to close it on you. If they manage to close it, hell itself would be preferable to what you will suffer.

If the lights come back on, return to walking forward down the corridor. Upon reaching the cell, the worker will open the door for you while glaring at you in disgust. Inside the cell will be a mad pastiche of colors, arranged in several harlequin-like formations. You must not be distracted by them; for at the center of a room is a naked young woman, slathered in blood and bound by strips of human sinew. If you take your eyes off her even for a moment, she will destroy you utterly. She will only respond to one question. "What were they when they were one?"

She will then stare into your eyes, and speak the answer in incredible detail. It will be unlike anything you have ever heard and you will be on the verge of both ecstasy and agony at her mere words. It is not uncommon for most to lose themselves in the euphoria. The worst thing you can do, however, is look upon the tattoo on her chest. It will pull at your mind to gaze upon it, but you mustn't. If you do, you will be hers.

She will flay you alive and add your mutilated flesh to her bindings, and you will remain trapped with her, fully conscious, for the rest of time.

That tattoo is object 4 of 538. They desire to be one again. But they mustn't.

~nOtE: guys i'm just gonna tell you i'm not posting a few because the orginal author only did like 30 all the others were done by the internet Community (random anonymous people) and therefor some are just fucking stupid (or very fetish-y, ewww) but i digress heres another

 

Holder of Enternity

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house in you can get yourself to. When you reach the front desk, ask to visit someone who calls himself "The Holder of Eternity". A sigh might escape the worker as they look upon you with the utmost pity. They will take you down a flight of stairs into what should be the basement of the building, and yet isn't. As you press deeper and deeper into this underlayer of the institution a chorus of screams will begin to be audible. Softly at first, as if from a great distance, but the closer you get to the end of the hallway, the louder it becomes until it drones so loud that it seems to consume all other noises, until you begin to claw at your own ears in pain. The worker will show you a door, covering both their ears. As swift as they can, they will unlock the door and run, leaving only you in this cramped, dark hallway. This is your last chance to run. If you decide to continue, and open the door then the piercing wail will end abruptly, leaving your ears ringing. The room is coated in an almost tangible, all-consuming darkness but for the far end of the room. There, manacled to the wall is an emaciated figure, covered in raw lashes. He stares directly at you, with a grin plastered to his face despite festering wounds and a scalpel still half-protruding from his chest. Now is your only chance to save yourself, and the only way is to ask "Who created them?". He will cackle, in a manner befitting the death throes of an animal before responding. His tale will be the most horrific tale you have ever heard, beyond such primitive concepts such as pain and death, into the very essence of wrong. Of evil.

It is up to you to end this man's life, to release his terrible burden. Remove the scalpel, and he will shudder once in agony before falling silent forever. That scalpel is Object 3 of 538. It is up to you if the rest should be protected or destroyed.

 

Holder of Forbidden Tongues

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house in you can get yourself to. When you reach the front desk, ask to visit someone who calls himself "The Holder of forbidden Tongues". The worker should bow before you, then give you an urn. Now walk into an empty place inside the institute, preferably an unused supply closet. There, where nobody is watching you, open the urn and look into it.

Raise your head again. You should find yourself on a wooden stairway that leads downwards into a corridor. Go down the stairs, as there is no turning back now. After a while, you will hear something that sounds like a chorus, sung by monks, speaking an foreign language. Immediately cover your ears with your hands. If you hear too many words, a hideous creature will haunt you for the rest of your mortal existence. As soon as you reach a door, the chorus should stop. If it doesn't, quickly turn around and shout "TACITE!"- this is the Latin Word for "Silence". Now the chorus should stop at last; if it doesn't, pray to every god you have ever heard of for a quick death, and hope they listen, for if they don't, the singing will grow louder and louder until it drives your soul insane.

Step through the door. Inside a person is waiting for you. A masked monk in a red cloak. He will greet you in Latin with "Salve!". Do not say anything and wait a few seconds until he puts on the light. There will be inscriptions on the walls, on the floor and on the furniture. The Monk will stand at the wall on the other end of the room and wait for your question. Don't try to read the words on the Walls. If you do, you will, within seconds, go insane. Walk to him and ask him only one question. "In which language were they talking?" That and nothing else. He will then hand you an object, indistinguishable under a blood-red cloth, and disappear. Do not remove the cloth. If you do, you will release horrible demons that will torture you for an eternity. Instead, turn around and there should be two urns on the table. One will take you back to the place you call home. The other one will drag your soul into pitch darkness.

It's up to you if you pick the right one or not.

If you select the right one, set the object on the nearest table and go to bed. When you wake up, go back and remove the cloth.

The thin, yellow book you now see is object 10 of 538. By reading it, you lose all hope you ever had of abandoning your quest, but now no Earthly language presents a barrier to you.

Originally thought to have originated from a Myspace or Livejournal, the Holders were discovered to seemingly have actually originated from THIS (need link thx) imaginative user's account. It was later found out that Sonic-Blade created the first Holder for the lulz.

---

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house in you can get yourself to. When you reach the front desk, ask to visit someone who calls himself "The Holder of the End". Should a look of child-like fear come over the workers face, you will then be taken to a cell in the building. It will be in a deep hidden section of the building. All you will hear is the sound of someone talking to themselves echo the halls. It is in a language that you will not understand, but your very soul will feel unspeakable fear. Should the talking stop at any time, STOP and QUICKLY say aloud "I'm just passing through, I wish to talk." If you still hear silence, flee. Leave, do not stop for anything, do not go home, don't stay at an inn, just keep moving, sleep where your body drops. You will know in the morning if you've escaped. If the voice in the hall comes back after you utter those words continue on. Upon reaching the cell all you will see is a windowless room with a person in the corner, speaking an unknown language, and cradling something. The person will only respond to one question. "What happens when they all come together?" The person will then stare into your eyes and answer your question in horrifying detail. Many go mad in that very cell, some disappear soon after the meeting, a few end their lives. But most do the worst thing, and look upon the object in the person's hands. You will want to as well. Be warned that if you do, your death will be one of cruelty and unrelenting horror. Your death will be in that room, by that person's hands. That object is 1 of 538. They must never come together. Never.

UnNews Audio! (file info)

Listen to this story!

 

KAKARIKO VILLAGE, HY - A 17-year-old Hylian was arrested Friday afternoon on charges including breaking and entering, property damage, and theft.

Countless dozens of valuable hand-crafted clay jars have been destroyed in more than twenty homes and businesses across Hyrule within the last month. Hundreds of rupees once stored inside them have also reportedly been stolen. "I couldn't fucking believe it," claimed Donna Puccio, a Kakariko Village resident. "He just walked in, smashed the jar, took our rupee savings inside, and split! That jar was a heirloom that had been in my family for over ten generations!"

The suspect alleged to have committed these crimes, a 17 year old male who goes by the name "Link", had become more notable to residents in recent weeks. David Morris, a royal guard, noticed him a number of times in Castle Town. "He just kept prancing around in that green dress that those tree-kids wear, throwing Cuckoos at children and rudely interrupting strangers to talk to them. Seriously, what kind of asshole dresses like that?" His notability is what ultimately led to suspicion.

On Friday morning, the old man decided to take action. "When he first came into town, I tried to be generous and help him out by giving him a wooden sword." he said. "And then he came around and started breaking my jars and stealing my money, but I gave him a second chance, because everyone gets a little anxious in a new place." The old man made it clear how he felt the second time. "This little prick walked into my house, and I decided enough is enough. The people of this town aren't taking any more of his shit. I shot a few fire-balls at him, and that was enough to keep him stunned until the cops showed up." Link was apprehended within minutes of the incident.

Link was arraigned Friday afternoon on charges of breaking and entering, property damage, and theft. The suspect pleaded not guilty, and a trial date has not yet been assigned. The youth's parents could not be reached for comment.

You may be looking for Grues and not even know it!

A photo of a typical grue habitat. However, presence of a grue in the photo is uncertain even though the camera was retrieved.
Japanese name	Domo-Kun
Stage	42
Evolves from	Gruesømellithicus
Evolves to	Uber-Grue
Species	Mammalia Chernobylus
Type	Darkness
Height	Fridge Size
Weight	None of them will get on the scales.
Ability	Being weak to sunlight
Next Pokémon	Crazy Frog
Previous Pokémon	Mudkip

“If you're close enough to photograph a Grue, all you'll see is a stupid question like "[RESTART, RESTORE OR QUIT?]”

~ Murphy's Law

“Pitch black, it is. Likely to be eaten by a grue, you are.”

~ Yoda on the dark side

A Grue (Gruesømellithicus ravenousifoodtus) is a box-shaped gap-toothed mammal known for eating adventurers. Grues are not often seen roaming the wilderness in herds, whistling old-time Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen. The reason Grues are not often seen doing anything is because Grues live in total darkness, so the whole "seeing" thing would be kind of hard to do. The likelihood of being eaten by a Grue is probably non-zero. Contrary to popular belief, they are not related to those Burger King things... whatever those are. On the other hand, a Grue does figure prominently on the popular children's television show "Grue's Clues."

Grues hate Vermicious Knids and are often seen crossing out kind graffiti on walls,

All Grues are named Domo...don't ask what happened to the rabbit. There are an estimated 48 Grues left in the United States today due to the Grue conservation program - luckily all Grues are kept under heavy rocks, or locked away in abandoned biker bars. Of course, being creatures of darkness that tend to eat anything they can get within range of, these numbers are likely inaccurate, outdated, or simply made up by the same people who tell us that pretty much everything causes cancer.

The alpha male Grue is referred to as the Guru or sugar daddy. The female Grues that the sugar daddy gets jiggy with are referred to as gruepees. The sugar daddy prefers to do it in a motel or an inn (all except Holiday Inn, because it is more of a hotel than an inn). Once the room in the inn/motel has been used there, is a ceremony in which the motel/inn is pronounced a Gruery.

Grue is the etymological root of "gruesome", meaning "grisly". Whether or not this is because Grues resemble grisly bears is not known. However, this is why it is customary for a relative who sees a growing child for the first time after a long departure will say, "My ain't he grew-some?"

Contents [hide] 1 Grue-Slaying 1.1 Grues cannot be killed with these things: 2 Grues can be killed by these things 3 Natural Habitat 4 Common myths 5 Grue Subspecies 5.1 Russian Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi soviet) 5.2 Spanish Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi el stupido) 5.3 Gangsta Grues 5.4 French Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi le pansy surrenderi) 5.5 Chuckland Pulverizing Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi beatdown) 5.6 Nazi Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi nationalsocialistus) 5.7 Auld Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi mediaevalis) 5.8 Ur-Grue (Gruesomicius superiori tuhabesmortuuserasii) 5.9 Chinese Grues (Gruesnifficus inhaleus) 5.10 Norse Grues (Gruecous Habillis) 5.11 The Great Canadian Grues (Grues eh?) 5.12 Arctic Grues (Festivus Gruetia) 5.13 Tleilaxu Grues (Arakia Gruedipi) 5.14 American Grues (Amerigrucius Patrioticus) 5.15 Others 5.16 Sexual Life 6 Grue Huffing 7 How to Deal With a Grue 8 Grue and other names 9 Articles eaten by Grue 10 Famous Grue Movies 11 Famous Grue games 12 See Also 13 External Links

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Grue-Slaying

Main article: Grue hunting

for further reading see the HowTo: HowTo:Hunt Grues

Grues cannot be killed with these things:

Air freshener, anti-matter, axes, black holes, butter knives, chain mail, chainsaws, the Death Star, diarrhea, fire, flying pieces of shit from the land of monkey men with wings, guns, lances, lasers, light sabers, martial arts, mouse traps, nukes, bigger nukes, paper cuts, Shit (when capitalized), shoulder blades, the color green, swords, toothpicks, weapons of mass destruction, Wikipedia, Uncyclopedia, any sweet or sour foodstuffs, cheesy poofs, cheese dippers, croissants, cows with guns, chickens in choppers, egg cups, methanol, ethanol, fruit, a frozen loaf of bread, girl scout cookies, guinea pigs, kittens, mayo (or any type of condiment), the Mayo (or any type of condiment) Clinic, any meat in the form of a ball (or loaf, for that matter), oranges, a pig in a blender, Pepto-Bismol, pi, pie, potatoes, pretzels, puppies, rabbit detectives, rabid detectives, salad bowls, salad bowels, swedish meatballs, Trix, Al Franken, Alistair Gibson, Andrew Calver, Austin Powers, Barney, Barney Rubble, rubble, Mr. Bubble, Bea Arthur, Ben Affleck, Benji, Bill Clinton, Bobby, Bob, Bob Brek, Bob Saget, Bob Sherman, Bob the Builder, Captain America, Captain Britain, Captain Canada, Captain Crunch, Captain Falcon, Captain Jesus, Captain Marvel, Captain Oblivious, Captain Planet, Captain Scarlet, Captain Ultra, Chris Rock, Dr. Evil, Dr. Evil's Henchmen, the Dark Lord Voldemort, Dick Cheney, Fancy Dan, Goa Tse, George Bush, GODZILLA, Jack Sparrow, Jack Thompson, Jeff Probes, Jeff Probst, Jon Kitna, Marth, Martha Stewart, Maozilla, MC Hammer, Pooty Tang, Rick James, Rose O' Donale, Satan, SpongeBob SquarePants, or pants in general, Steven Segal, Tom Clancy, Tom from Myspace, Tony Blair, the Amazing Spiderman, The Black, Red, Yellow, White, Blue, or Brown Man Group, the Incredible Hulk, the IRS, Vanilla Ice, you, your bladder (even with the spleen to help it), your mom, your momma, 50 Cent, Stalin, noobs, n00bs, neebs, ||00b5, froobs, Sir Nooblington, Jordan Kofoed, George Dubya, two cows, milk, guitars (double-neck or otherwise), the Soviet Space Navy, Cosmonants, Karl Marx, wheelbarrows, Communism, ninjas (unless they're Jewish), pirates (unless they're scented), Ninja-Pirates or any combination thereof (unless they're Jewish and scented), The Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God, the Anti-Ninja Organization, the Anti-Pirate Organization, the Anti-Pirate-Ninja Organization, the Anti-Ninja-Pirate Assembly of Satan, minjas, samurais, Asian people, Canadians, Germans, Russians, athiests, berserkers (not to be confused w/ berzerkrs), berzerkrs, blind people, Democrats, dentists, emos, screamos, small stick men with sharp pointy sticks, gangstas, men who fall out with their wives and wander the streets at night, nazis, n00bz, playboys, playgirls, preps, pyromaniacs, terrorists, fat people, bald people, deaf, dumb and blind kids who sure play a mean pinball, vampires (excepting Alucard.) zombies, consonants, giant fishes in bear suits attackin’ Tokyo (unless during Easter Holiday), guilt-tripping, hairy lizards, Hummer H2s, I Love Lucy, iPods, kindness, linear equations, L’oreal Kids shampoo, shea butter lotion, titanium toilet paper, the easy button, the system, the Force, the Schwartz, The Game, The Gong Show, twelve year olds invading the internet, medical degrees, Nazi sticks, Nugins, paradoxes, Pikachu, scented candles, scented pikachus, r?d links, speranah, Sephiroth (unless he is in One-Winged Angel form), Knights of the Round Materia (cause the Grue would still have 1HP left and would eat you), Peter Griffin, Charlies Daniels, fiddling competitions, Tom Cruise, brainwashed alien ghosts, liquid nitrogen, botox, baby wipes, Hyakugojyuuichi, Sephiroth's Sword, barge poles, twinkies, Scientology (this would only make them stronger), guns, bullets, gunpowder, Mercedes-Benz, cement mixers, Goku's hair, asteroids (the game and the real thing), Masamune (not the sword, the guy who made them), Marie Curie, radium, barium, uranium and all things ending in -ium, Uranus, Your anus, your mom's anus, a skunks anus, the Millenium Bug, Mastercard, American Express - fuck it : all credit/debit/donor/switch and Maestro Cards in general, Master Materia, Casting Zombie and giving them a Pheonix Tail or Pheonix Down, CFC (chloro-floro-carbons or Cans for Cunts), piano wire, hats, shoes (especially when thrown), Fenrir, Odin, Zeus, Tyr, the Revelation, orgasmic explosion, Michael Parkinson, the BeeGees, oxygen, lightning and all things plasma, volcanoes, Volvic, Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of time, The Straight Line (y=mx+c or in ax+by+c=0), bar-bells, dumb-bells, the Bells of Nostradame, the Bermuda Triangle, free energy as well as dictated energy (also communist energy), Aurora 1, Aurora 2, Aurora Borialles, Heihachi Mishima and Heihachi Mishima's wooden balls that dangle from his trousers in Tekken 5, the PS3, the Wii, the XBox 360, Windows Vista, Holy Communion, Unholy Communion, Quantum Mechanics, hybrid-synnegy drive, CO2 and the largest Carbon Footprint (Big Carbon-Foot), Big Foot, Wee Foot, No'-as-big-as-Medium-Sized-Foot-but-bigger-than-Wee-Foot-Foot, Discursive Essays, Double Russian Reversal (it's fucking useless), the Andrex puppy, Area 51, railguns, tanks, remote-control tanks, ball lightning, square lightning, any lightning in any shape, asian people eating zombies, ferret eating zombies, British Zombies, Dr Pepper, Mr Pibb (they're the same fucking soda so neither would work), Santa Claus, coal, The Coca-Cola Santa Claus, Coca-Cola, Pepsi, jesus, jebus, black jesus, marroon jesus, marroon five, clocks, watches, sun-dials or any other time pieces, jam, lemmon compote, 20 pence, gamma rays, llama rays, X rays, ultraviolet rays, microwaves (not the actual rays you find in the solar system, the one's that you cook shit meals from Tesco with), the number 12, 69 (lol 69), mana, hentai, lesbian poo, www.godhatesfags.com, www.godhatesYOU.com, Keith Allen, Korn, short hair, long hair, realy long hair, www.wikipedia.org, www.wikipedia.orgy, level 70 palidins, scooby snaks (what are they rely), frencheroticfilm@hotmail.co.uk, various forms of cake, the Sun, the Sun exploding, Vanilla Sky and Tom Cruise in general, WarGaZm, Transformers, Mr X (the former employee of Area 51... yeah right..), the distressed caller that called Art Bell regarding Aliens, Chuck Norris' tears, Bolt, Bolt 2, Bolt 3 and Ramuh, Quezacotl, Ixion and Thor, and Thor's Hammer, hardware, software, Bungle, Peter Kay, Alt+F4 (go on, try it - you know you want to), TelevisionX and all forms of pornography (yes including MILF! that Mother I'd Like to Fuck! and GILF!! ((You get the picture with that one)) ), pages that are 31 kilobyts long and longer and longerer (cause Pétis Filous helps my bones grow strongerer), John Kane - big fat smelly kid from the YMCA!!, the Village People (the many gays in the village), David Walliams (simply cause it's supposed to be Williams, not Walliams, either way, he's still a willy or wally), swastikas, and Hitler's Gas Bill - inflation was all HIS fault, wallpaper made out of German Money, Mt Rushmore, Google Earth, magnets - including the North and South Pole, Canadia, canadians (especialy french canadians, because they surrender to often), normal french people, Jacques Chiraq and his nuclear weapons that he exploded in the Atlantic Ocean), Chuck Norris washing his clothes in the ocean (this was banned due to the tsunami's killing people), Mt St. Hellens including Yellowstone National Park, Neverland, happy thoughts, albinos, WHITE!! RED EYE!!, that big russian, that small russian, that No'-as-big-as-Medium-Sized-Russian-but-bigger-than-Small-Russian-Russian, FUCKING HOFFSTYLE!!!, and the Nightrider (during Daytime - otherwise it would be the Dayrider), CTRL+ALT+DEL, xbox, xbox360, the Wii (especially the Wii), Resistance: Fall of Man and the Church of England that's willing to sue them... ha pwnd, the word pwnd, the South Park episode: Make Love not Warcraft, World of Warcraft, Murphy's Law, Jekyll and any other films or programmes with the irishman, Yellow Pages, Blue Pages, green pages, rainbow pages, rainbow kisses, Protein shakes, milk powder, Ultima materia, the band MaTeRiA, PS1, the Sega MegaDrive, YOUR BOAT... TWIGADEE!!, the Sun shrinking, Daleks, Cybermen, Mudkips, xyzzy, false BENSONs, gasoline-soaked mops.

• Attempting to use any of the above in Grue-slaying will result in you being eaten by the Grue. When taking this list with you as a field guide, we suggest you highlight the items you might be tempted to use.

Grues can be killed by these things

• Light, except where the plot demands it doesn't.
• Extreme sarcasm (yeah, right!) (Note: this risks killing everyone else in the vicinity)
• Statement of the very very obvious being mistaken for extreme sarcasm
• BENSON
• Vermicious knids (capable of eating a grue, but can be eaten by anything else)
• The Anti-Grue, with its brilliant schemes (and near god-like grasp of extreme sarcasm). However, the Anti-Grue must be summoned by a dance performed by Stephen Hawking so, good luck with that.

• Captain Omnipotent, because, well, he IS omnipotent, and it's not likely you're going to fail with powers like that...
• The beast. There are many definitions of this, but the one you're looking for is from Homeworld: Cataclysm. And if you DO manage to kill the grue with it, it'll also kill you in the same way-- slowly and painfully. For groups of grues only. Or it's a waste of your life.
• Anomynous, but since no one knows who the fuck he really is, your best of going with one of the other options.
• A Eurg, although the collision of a Grue and a Eurg will cause the universe to a splode, as with matter and anti-matter.
• Steve Irwin could kill Grues. In fact, he could wrestle them to the ground and tape their mouths shut so they never opened again, and can cook and eat them. But Steve Irwin cannot save you now...
• Grueslayer - Need a reason?

• Another method once tried for slaying a Grue is to attack it with your own Grue, but you should look at this table to see the reason why this is incredibly stupid.

Better-than-best-case scenario	You win the lottery and become a multi-millionaire.
Best-case scenario	Both of the Grues kill each other, which is damn near impossible.
Next-best-case scenario	Your Grue kills the other one and then eats you. You're dead, buuuut at least you kind-of killed a Grue.
Worst-case scenario	The other Grue kills your Grue and then eats you. You're dead, and your Grue got pwnzed!!!!111!.
Worse-than-worst case scenario	Both Grues realize they've been tricked, then they team up and eat you. You're dead, and you were betrayed by your own Grue.
Worse-than-worse-than-worst case scenario	The Grues decide you make a better sex toy than a meal.
The most common way to kill a Grue	The simplest and easiest way to kill a Grue is to type "/Kill Grue" or click "Restart Application Please. Or, try hitting ctrl + y, but you won't get any xp..."

Natural Habitat

Grues can be found in all the dark places of the world; your mom's cookie jar, for example. Also known to inhabit any dark, and damp dungeon... Anywhere... They are also frequently found in basements and under the bed of bad little children who don't brush their teeth or eat their vegetables. Also, if you don't change your underwear often enough, and have big enough underwear (XXL is the limit of safe underwear), you might get a tribe of Grues living in them.

One characteristic of Grue dwellings is that they all contain an equal quantity of priceless treasure. Nobody knows for certain why this is so. The prevailing theory is that the presence of the treasure provides the Grues with a near-constant supply of adventurers to devour (Have an odd appetite for Paladins, despite the bad aftertaste), most often hiding within a text based RPG. An alternative theory reverses this relationship: since adventurers often carry treasures with them, and Grues cannot digest treasure, any treasure found in a Grue dwelling is merely detritus from its many meals.

Common myths

• It is widely believed that the Grue is the only creature that can win The Game. While the grues have not done so far, they did defeat Chuck Norris in the first level because he was too awesome anyway.
• It is also believed that Jay Leno's chin, is indeed a grue. Leno has denied all rumors, but you still can't be too sure. If you want to know why Paula Abdul has been acting so strange lately, its because she is scared to go on the show, and the reason Johnny Carson let Jay Leno take over his show instead of David Letterman is rumored to be because Jay Leno threatened him with his chin...think about it...
• It has been said that the grues are the demonic force that Kurt Cobain is assembling in preparation to come back for the final showdown with Chuck Norris but all people who have held to this rumor have mysteriously all died roundhouse-related deaths. As grues are obviously very powerful, an army of them could easily overpower Chuck Norris.
• Another myth of the grues is that their long lost cousins, Waffles, eat the Grue's babies if left alone. It is unknown at the time as Grues and Waffles are hard to videotape in their natural environment.

Grue Subspecies

Apart from the common Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi ravenousi), there are many, less common types.

Russian Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi soviet)

“In Soviet Russia, Grue likely to be eaten by YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Grues

The rare Russian Grue can be killed by almost anything, and is common prey for oxen, weeds, cow tongues, bars of soap, hobbits, stormtroopers, red shirts, n00bs, sand castles, and lawyers, though its most common predators are the fence post and tumbleweed. When a Russian Grue procreates with a regular Grue, it will create a kitten. The reason for this is only known to Ralph Nader, who recently brought sexy back. The Russian Grue is not to be confused with the Russian GRU, even though they are pronounced exactly the same and Solid Snake can kill both of them.

Spanish Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi el stupido)

In Spain there are many Crane Trucks, filled with Grues, called Gruas. This is a plot by the Spanish Grues to invade the world with Gruas. Because Grues are very unoriginal, they made up the name Gruas, just one letter different from Grues.

Gangsta Grues

These grues are packing heat and are primarily found in allyways.

French Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi le pansy surrenderi)

The French Grue is commonly known as Le Greu. It is most fond of pastries, and will go after them in preference to a hobo sapien. Le Greu is most commonly seen chewing on a giant baguette, while wearing a white painter's cap, black and curly mustache, striped blue shirt, and holding a large white flag. Usually, Le Greu is very pale, white, and skinny. It easily succumbs to modern sarcasm. In order to survive a Le Greu attack, one has to summon a Grue, an Eurg, or a vague threat of invasion. However, one will be eaten by one or the other after they are done with their opponent. The French Greu Military has never won any wars against other grue tribes. Une foule d'américains se sont suicidés au parc publique, allez-hop, allons-y, on va manger ce soir.

Chuckland Pulverizing Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi beatdown)

The Chuckland Pulverizing Grue (commonly known as simply the "Chuck's Grue") is a Grue that only lives in the Bleen mines of Chuckland. Chuck's Grues have twice the strength of a normal Grue. These Grues were the result of the Anti-Grue stealing Chuck Norris's semen and implanting it in a Eurg. However, this combination caused the Eurg to asplode and from it was born the Chuckland Grue. The Chuckland Grue, due to its heritage, is immune to bleen things and extreme sarcasm. It grows to 8 gajillion feet tall if it eats a Texas Whopper and can eat anything. Chuckland Pulverizing Grues enjoy eating French Grues with hot sauce, eating emos wrapped in bacon, and eating the works of Oscar Wilde. The Chuckland Pulverizing Grue's only weakness is pirates, who use their godlike powers to barbecue Chuckland Grues with a mustardy marinade. Their war cry is "I WILL EET U 4 MAI BREKFEST."

Nazi Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi nationalsocialistus)

During WW-1 the Nazi Grues were trained by Adolf Hitler's SS. These Grues preferred using tanks, bombs, and biological weapons to kill, instead of just eating People - Jews (however, this does not mean they didn't eat people, Esp. Jews). After the end of World War XI 1/2 the Nazi Grues mysteriously disappeared from Earth (It is believed that they ate each other to extinction or that Jewish people killed them). This species of Grue is also known to wear red suspenders.

Other than that, they take kindly to Bovarian White Sausage.

Auld Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi mediaevalis)

Auld Grues, or Old Grues, were chivalrous and sword-wielding knights, who would (unlike today's Grues) offer mercy and be courteous as the victim was eaten, usually offering a quick and painless death as opposed to fiery fangs and searing pains ripping through the enemy's body. Old Grues liked to rescue damsels, but this became a problem when the Grue was unable to resist eating the damsel. This was very troublesome for Old Grues and damsels stopped calling for help, afraid they would be eaten by an Old Grue. Real knights errant were really pissed off that they couldn't find damsels anymore, so they took advantage of the Old Grues' mercy and non-ruthlessness and killed them all.

Ur-Grue (Gruesomicius superiori tuhabesmortuuserasii)

Scrawled in the margins of medieval bestiaries are descriptions of a single terrible and powerful Grue cleric/spellcaster known as the Ur-Grue. It is said to be completely immune to all of the traditional Grue's weaknesses - it is constantly surrounded by magical darkness which nought but sunlight can penetrate, and most conventional weapons will either miss completely or cease to exist upon contact with its body. It is, however, partially vulnerable to very very extreme sarcasm. In addition to its fearsome natural armaments, the Ur-Grue is armed with a multitude of spells, such as cleesh (change foe to small amphibian), yozozzo (change foe into small duck), and onkik (unknown, possibly magic missile). The Ur-Grue is currently serving as the final boss of Zork, after usurping the position from the Grue King. He doesn't eat people - he takes over their bodies and fucks them up instead. When he dies, he takes the form of an old guy even uglier than Michael Jackson and takes over the body of a certain Grue. He determines if they're worthy by strangling them and possessing the one that doesn't die (he has a very strong grip.)

Chinese Grues (Gruesnifficus inhaleus)

When sniff grue, head get reary right. They all know Kung Fu and have been seen dressed like Huang Feihong. Also, they are good at math.

Norse Grues (Gruecous Habillis)

Although not a separate species in itself, the Norse Grue inhabits a region of Norway that it conquered during the kitten war. People were just too distracted (and weak) to stop it doing so. People let the Grue keep it. Why? Because they were scared that they would be eaten as well.

The Great Canadian Grues (Grues eh?)

These grues like to live in dark log cabins or igloos, while watching hockey games and drinking Molsen. They are easily recognizable by thier logger shirts and Tuques. The only way to defeat this type of grue is to get two of them to argue over which hocky team is better: Toronto Mapleleafs or Montreal Canadiens. They will then get into a brawl that will end in one of the grue's bloody demise. That, or they'll agree with each other and kill you.

Arctic Grues (Festivus Gruetia)

Arctic Grues are similar to the other species of Grue, in that they are horrible monsters. However, they frequent cold, snowy regions and are quite pale, in order to blend in with their surroundings. Their natural habitats are the North Pole and the South Pole. Despite being 'arctic', the largest population of Arctic Grues is located in Antarctica. In Antarctica, they feed off seals, penguins, and gov't employees. In the Arctic, they congregate around the North Pole, snatching Christmas Elves from Santa's workshop. Candy canes are considered a delicacy.

Tleilaxu Grues (Arakia Gruedipi)

Tleilaxu Grues are known to be able to change themselves into almost anything, as they have surpassed the Face Dancers themselves. In fact, unknown to the Tleilaxu, these grues are direct descendants of Bijaz. Their current favorite food is chicken, which is bad since everything tastes like chicken.

American Grues (Amerigrucius Patrioticus)

These grues were known to be the fattest species of grues in the world. Every other grues hates them, but at the same time, loves them too. They are known to have made the first grue atomic bomb. They are related to the Canadian grues and they love to eat large amount of fast food. Most of these grues are rich and likes to spend their treasures on iPods and other electronics that are expensive.

Others

For a short time, speranah were considered to be a subspecies of Grue, but the person who suggested this was soon beaten to death and everyone forgot about it.

Though not technically a subspecies, "Grue" is also a type of paste used exclusively in Asia (popularly manufactured by "Ehrmers".)

Sexual Life

Oh God no.

Grue Huffing

While this act is not unheard of, it should, under ANY circumstances, be attempted. However, when a grue presents itself as nigh unstoppable, you might as well go out with a bang. Litteraly. Grue Huffing screws with you so much that you end up asploding at the end. Only three people are known to have Huffed a grue and live. However, due to reasons that cannot be possibly disclosed, they must remain anonymous, and therefore must be Chuck Norris, Big Boss, and Oscar Wilde, despite the fact none of these are human.

How to Deal With a Grue

• Die
• Scream and die.
• Scream, struggle, and die.
• Scream, struggle, crap yourself, and die.
• Scream, run, struggle, crap yourself, and die.
• Scream, run, struggle, crap yourself, look at a picture of Michael Jackson, and die.
• Kill their master Bob Obst
• Convert to Judaism. It won't help, but there'll be less of you to eat.
• Run like hell and die.
• Use extreme sarcasm.
• Eat balls.
• Masturbate, because this will be your last chance to.
• Pour cream on the Grue. Though this will just increase its ego and cause it to think it is a legendary Creamy Grue.
• DON'T WANDER AROUND IN THE DARK, YOU MORON! Alternatively, light your torch. (This is ill advised, as they tend not to eat one unless first seen for some reason.)
• If you have a Mac handy, try using any real life cheat codes. If you have a PC handy, throw it at the Grue. It'll distract it for a bit, since Grues hate PCs more than you, but you're still pretty screwed after it's done eating it.
• Restore your freakin' game from your last save point.
• Kill yourself before it kills you.
• Insist that you are a Grue as well. This will not help in the long run, but it will confuse it for a second or two.
• Enlist the help of a bird. Maybe the Grue will be beaked through the head.
• Read to it this list. By the time you are finished, you both will have died of old age.
• Call down Chuck Norris to roundhouse kick the grue in the balls.
• Summon Herman Li from DragonForce to deafen the grue with one of his guitar solos
• Pour laxtant on yourself, maybe you will pass right through the grue's innards.
• Use the Grue as a shortcut to the afterlife
• Summon an army of skeletons, and keep summoning until your party reaches your location, and fight like hell.
• summon a schleg, and he'll take care of it.
• Read Mobey Dick in Italian, Grues love Italian and doing this increases your life for about 4 hours, of course once your done reading the grue will then eat you.
• Use the old "Whats that trick?!?!", this may confuse the grue, after doing this you better pray that your 100 metre time is better than 6.00 seconds, becuase if it isnt the gruw will the eat you.
• Crap out the helm of desintegration... and use it on your level 4 Paladin. You will pwn the crap out of them.
• Watch Nedss Declassified Grue Survival Guide for all the tips that won't help you at fucking all. Good Luck...

Grue and other names

Some also know Grues as "Domo-kun", due to parody site Wikipedia's Domo-kun article. The Japanese title "kun" shows little respect and is used to address someone inferior. Addressing or referring to a Grue using this name will cause an unusually painful death by Buttsecks.

Some African tribespeople have devised their own unique (but lengthy) name for a Grue. This name has been transliterated as "Aaaahkek Savemeallah Zomgomwtfgroflol Akakaaaaakah", approximately. The name was derived from the sounds made by anyone foolish enough to try to approach it.

There is also an ancient Greek message on the old parthenon that states, roughly translated "Lawlz. Grues eat kittens when j00 masturbate".

In the MMORPG Galactic conquest Grues are refered to as Kalzul, and are thought to be responsible for the monthly activation of the Ultimate Weapon.

Articles eaten by Grue

• Zork
• Your Mom
• Your Grandmother
• You
• Dungeons & Dragons
• Ultra Jesus
• Anti-Grue
• Emos
• Pudge Daddy
• Jumanji
• Anna Nicole Smith
• Oprah

Famous Grue Movies

• Gruezilla
• Planet Of The Grues

• 10 Things I Hate About Grue
• 40 Year Old Grue
• The Grues Brothers
• Honey, I Blew Up The Grue
• Grues Of Wrath
• The Grues of Hazard
• Grue vs Predator (in the end the grues banded together and huffed him)
• Finding Gruemo
• Scooby Grue Gets a Clue
• Final Fantasy: Grues Within
• Final Fantasy VII: Advent Grues
• The Grueshank Redemption
• The Blair Grue Project
• The Grue and I
• Memoires of an Invisible Grue
• Bridget Grues Diary
• A Midsummer Night's Grue
• Independance Grue
• I, Grue
• Karate Grue
• Naked Grue 33 and a third
• Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Grue
• Harry Potter and the Chamber of Grues
• Harry Potter and the Grue of Azkaban
• Harry Potter and the Order of the Grue
• Harry Potter and the Half-Grue Prince
• Remember the Grues
• GrueStory
• GrueStory 2
• Grues of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Grue
• Grues of the Caribbean: Dead Grue's Chest
• Grues of the Caribbean: At Grue's End
• The Chronicles of Gruenia: The Lion, the Witch and the wardrobe full of Grues.
• G for Gruedetta
• Lord of the Grues: The fellowship of the Grue
• Lord of the Grues: The Grue Towers
• Lord of the Grues: Return of the Grue
• March of the Grues
• Saving Private Grue
• Spidergrue
• Spidergrue 2
• Spidergrue 3
• Grue, wheres my car?
• One flew over the G
  

Princess Zelda

Link (Legend of Zelda)

Tom Servo

Unicron

(DISCLAIMER:I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'LL DIE OR SHIT IF YOU DO IT, DON'T GO OUT SAYING ITS NOT REAL AND DOING IT TO SPITE IT thats how almost all hauntings start)

 ~!!DONT DO THIS EMO KIDS!!~

 ~!!!DO NOT FUCK WITH POWERS BEYOND YOUR UNDERSTANDING !!!~

Stand in a room with no light at all and say "I seek the truth beyond the veil" three times. After exactly seventy two hours no matter where you are you will suddenly feel as though you're being watched. This feeling will persist for another seventy two hours at which point no matter how far you may have gone or where you are you'll feel as if someone is coming to find you. The next time you're completely alone in any completely dark room you'll hear six knocks on the door once every hour until you open it. When you do you'll find that it leads to a place you've never been with almost no light and a distinguished looking man in dark clothes standing a few feet away. Once he sees you he will tip his hat in greeting and stand there waiting for you to speak. If you ask who he is he will say "I am one who dwells in darkness.", if you ask why he's there he will respond "You called so I came.", if you ask where you are he will say "You are in my world.", and if you ask for the truth beyond the veil what he says will shatter your perceptions of reality leaving you completely insane until your mind has fully digested his response. If you live long enough afterwards to understand he will visit again, this time knocking only once. If you don't answer the door he'll come back the next day until you do. When you answer he will grant you one request with the only exception being that you can never forget what he told you, provided you agree to one term. That is that in exactly one years time when he visits you again you will return with him to his world and become another one who dwells in darkness. Thus far no one has asked for anything but to not have to wait the entire year. Whenever a person who's committed to an asylum from extreme hysteria, hallucinations, delusions, and various other mental issues suddenly wakes up one day completely lucid and calm with an air of otherworldliness to him or her, it's said they're the lucky ones who survived. Most spend the rest of their lives screaming incoherently and muttering things in unknown languages. Others kill themselves shortly after the visit. And a rare few wake up a few days later as if nothing had happened at all but with full knowledge of what the one who dwells in darkness told them and with full knowledge of the unspeakable horrors their minds endured while they were asleep. Those few who never answer the door out of fear are found eventually starved to death and with an expression of sheer terror on their faces. Of course there's those that block out the memory of what they're told entirely, they still receive the second visit, however, they must grant the one who dwells in darkness's request. Only three people have survived granting it and they were left completely without emotion or rational thought spending the rest of their exceedingly short lives rocking back and forth, never speaking never sleeping never eating or drinking.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

LIBERALISM: You have two cows, one has gender reasighnment surgery and stops producing milk. When you try to sell it, it whines to the ACLU and a thousand greedy lawyers sue your ass. You lose your farm and have to hand it over to the other cow. (i lol'd)

 

 

NIHILISM: You have two cows. You don't care

ORWELLIANISM: You have two cows. They kill you and organize their own self-sufficient form of government.

ZOROASTRIANISM: You have two cows. One completely good, one completely evil. At the end of time, they battle to the death.

4CHAN: You have two cows. One gets gender reassignment surgery and no longer produces milk, and the other cow ridicules the first cow.

4chan-ism: You have no cows, enjoy your hat.

EBAUMSWORLD: you have no cows. Steal 2 cows from your neighbours.

DENIAL: You have two cows,. When the government taxes your milk, you hide them and claim to have a spotted table.

RASTAFARISM: You have two cows. One of them eats your weed. You kill the bitch.

SPARTA: You have 300 cows.
SPOILERS: 299 of them die.

CANADIAN GOVERNMENT: You have two cows. The government takes their milk and puts it into bags.

RUNESCAPE: you have 2 cows. You sell them for paper hats

HENTAISM: You have two cows. At night, they transform into hot, 18 year old women with huge hooters that decide to "milk you" in payment for you milking them during the day. Everyone wins.

Buddhism: You have two cows. You can't do anything but let them shit on your lawn.

POLAND: You have two cows. And nothing else.

Powerlevelism: The number of cows you have is OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAND

SPIDERMANISM: you have 2 cows. They both forget how to shot milk

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. They both milk you.

Wilford Brimleyism - You have two cows. They have diabeetus too.

SAGEISM: You have two cows. They are ugly so you bury them.

HINDIISM: You have 5 trillion cows, shitting on your porch.

Delusionalism: You pretend to have two cows. You make up a marriage certificate verifying that you're married to one of them. Then you post horribly shopped pictures of you and "wife" on an internet forum, where people actually believe you.

DRAGON BALLISM: You have two cows. And their power level is OVER 9000!!!

FAMILY GUY: Wow, this is just like that time I had two cows and lived on Gary Coleman's farm with Optimus Prime wearing Zubaz and slap bracelets playing Tamagotchi next to Jane Weidlin who Margo Channing Doom 3 Reptar New Coke Margaritaville Boutros Boutros-Ghali Weigght Watchers Dwann of the Dead Hummveey bArt Simzon ciTizeon kaRRne Dworth VargerisAascaoisimvhummmpspee.

Gggggggggmm. Jickksznorman. Barggbytieets.

MOTIVATIONALISM: you have two cows, you take a picture of them then you put a black border and a caption about them under it

MCDONALDSISM:
1. You have two cows.
2. ???????
3. PROFIT

DOUJINSHI: You are a little schoolgirl with two cows. A big fat Japanese guy comes out of nowhere, murders your cows and rapes you.

AGNOSTICISM: You might have a cow, and you might not. You just dont know

ENGLANDISM: You have two cows. They are both more appealing then your women (sorry lol)

REALITY: You have no cows and live in your parents basement. Your mother brings you milk.

 

......FICTIONISM: You have two catgirls. ................And you f**k them.

More from The ARMA association

"By J. Clements
ARMA Director

Quite an intereasting Entry

"By John Clements, ARMA Director

There is typically a view that the katana and rapier represent the ideal cutting blade and the ideal thrusting blade; the "highest" development of East and West. Every once in awhile it's not uncommon to hear people speculate on what result might occur in a duel between a Japanese samurai armed with his katana and an European Renaissance swordsman with a rapier. It's a worthwhile question to consider.

As someone who has some small experience in both Japanese swordsmanship and fencing (kenjutsu & kendo) and who has been a long-time Renaissance swordsman and previously a sport fencer, I can offer an opinion on this question. From my own experience sparring with cutting against thrusting swords, I have a few insights. While there are certainly no historically recorded accounts (other than unsubstantiated folklore and rumor) as to a one on one duel between an European swordsman with a rapier and Japanese samurai using a katana, I think we can make a few very general suppositions about such a hypothetical encounter.

First, while typical samurai warriors were highly trained soldiers, the average samurai was not an expert swordsman, perhaps only 5% or so were its been suggested. Of this 5%, maybe 5% of those were "master" level swordsmen (not that it matters to the issue at hand whether the figure was over 99% or less than 1%). Whereas the average European rapier swordsman, would more or less be an ordinary urban citizen with or without military experience. He would likely have received some (if any) professional instruction from a master in a private school of fence and then would of course have likely some degree of practical "street-fighting" experience or have been in a duel. The weapon he used would be one of personal self-defence and duel as opposed to a battlefield sword.

There is no question that each swordsman was experienced at armed close- combat. For sake of argument though, let's assume mastery level by each hypothetical fighter. Let us also assume armor is a non-factor in the encounter, as are any missile weapons or terrain factors. Let's additionally assume neither has any major physical advantages over the other. Further, let’s assume that each swordsman is equally ignorant of the other's style of fight. Though the rapier fighter was ideally at home in a civilian environment, he would certainly be far from ignorant of fighting tactics. While it is arguably not relevant to a duel of single combat, cavaliers and knights of this age were often well read in military strategy being familiar with the well-known literature on the subject, such as Vegetius, Frontius, Pizan, and Machiavelli’s art of war as well as countless fencing treatises.

An immediate question that occurs then, is would the samurai's notorious resolute contempt for death and self-disregard lead to an audacious and immediate offensive attack? Would the rapier fighter's presumably cautious, cool-headed counter-thrusting style of fight provoke a simple stop-thrust? The samurai might well hold disdain for his "barbarian" foreigner's seemingly "flimsy" blade. This could prove fatal against a weapon with the speed and reach of a rapier. The rapier fighter himself may also erroneously hold his "pagan" adversary's cutting style equally in contempt. Underestimating both the speed and the force of a katana's deflecting counter-cuts can be disastrous. Even a small snipping cut could often dismember an arm. Simply stepping to evade an initial cut can even place you in the path of a powerful second and third one. For the most part though, since all the psychological factors, although important, are notoriously hard to quantify, we'll have to avoid them for now.

Personally, from my own experience, I think the outcome of such a fight would fall in one of either two directions: The samurai would move directly to make a devastating cut, becoming punctured through the head, throat, or chest as a result, but still having his cut cleave through the rapier fighter's head and torso (or at least his extended arm). Else, the rapier fighter would over time, make multiple quick, shallow punctures at unpredictable angles of attack to the samurai's hands, arms, and face until able to deliver an incapacitating thrust. But at this same time, the samurai would be carefully closing the distance and waiting until the split second he could dash the rapier aside and step in with a slice clean across his opponent's abdomen or face.

Typically, the sword user won't risk stepping into a stop-thrust and the rapier fighter won't risk taking a swiping cut. The heavier blade can usually beat the rapier aside but can't respond in time. While the rapier often can attack but afterwards couldn't recover or parry once it connects. I have seen both forms of outcomes in my mock-fighting practices, but more often the Japanese stylist underestimates the rapier rather than vice-versa. The katana is limited to about 7 or 8 cuts and a thrust -all of which are techniques already contained within the familiar longsword and short sword styles a rapier fencer would be somewhat familiar with. Whereas the katana fighter, in contrast, has no equivalent foyning style of rapier (or rapier and dagger) fencing in their experience. Historically, in the late 16th century, it was the rapier's very deadliness at making unpredictable, lightning fast thrusts from unusual angulation that made it become so popular so quickly in place of all manner of cutting blades.

As is becoming increasingly well known, the rapier is not the flimsy tool of the modern sport version, nor is it used in the same flicking manner. It is longer, stronger, heavier, and involves a greater range of techniques and moves. The rapier's penetrating stabs have great reach and are very quick, particularly on the disengage. But it can still be grabbed and lacks cutting offense. The katana has a well-rounded offence to defence, and is much more symmetrical in its handling. It can make great close-in draw cuts and is an agile weapon with quick footwork of its own. It can be wielded well enough one-handed if need be, too. Obviously, a katana can't match the rapier thrust for thrust. What a rapier does best is fight point-on with linear stabs, and no heavier, wider blade will possibly out maneuver it. Playing to the rapier's strength by using a katana horizontally is a losing game.

While the rapier certainly is a "point-based" threat and does not work well close in, it makes up for this by being able to out thrust cutting swords, like the katana, by about three feet of range using in its foyning method specialized footwork such as the lunge. A long lunge can strike a lethal hit from well outside the effective distance of a man with a long cutting sword.

If a longer, straighter, double-edged sword adept at stabbing attacks could not out-thrust the rapier, we may well wonder what chance a shorter single edged katana, devised for slashing, would have? Besides that, the rapier was devised to outfight blades that could strike with both their edges in sixteen possible lines of attack—twice the number employed by a katana—as well as trap and bind with their large cross-guards which the katana also did not possess.

The katana itself s not a slow sword. It has a good deal of agility as well as being able to thrust some. Kenjutsu cuts are delivered in quick succession using a flowing manner. Its two-hand grip can generate great power by using a sort of "torqueing" method with additional force added from the hips. The katana's cutting power and edge sharpness is also legendary (although often the subject of exaggeration, sometimes absurdly so). It is a sword of war after all, and faced a variety of arms and armors. While not every puncture with a rapier would be lethal, to be sure, virtually every cut by a katana was intended to kill instantly. During the centuries of the Renaissance in Europe (the 1400s to early 1600s), Japan was in its Warring States period; the samurai class were essentially mounted archers with their main infantry weapon being the spear (yari). At this time the sword was a secondary weapon. It was only later, during the peace of the Tokugawa unification when the era of endless civil war had ended, that the “cult” of the katana developed around the samurai as warriors (which in modern times this has grown into something of a pop-cultural mythology). The rapier on the other hand, had but one purpose: dueling another swordsman.

Although occasionally argued by some, I do not believe for an instant that the rapier would be "cut" or broken by a katana. Although katanas were (more or less) capable of cutting through metal, slicing an adversary's very sword, especially one as agile as a rapier, is improbable at best. The rapier really just doesn't offer the opportunity or the necessary resistance to even attempt it. We might wonder however about the rapier's recorded propensity to break when used in cutting. Yet it is necessary to understand that there was considerable diversity in the geometry of rapier blades. Some designs intended to produce an especially light and agile thrusting weapons resulted in particularly thin points that did indeed tend to snap off when a forcible edge blow was struck with them.

The speed and angulation of the highly methodical and calculating rapier and dagger style (quiet unlike the dui tempo Baroque form of modern sport fencing) is also one that would intentionally avoid contact with a wider cutting blade. (Cutting through highly tempered and deceptively swift blade of a thrusting rapier with a one- handed slash from a katana, while an interesting and not inconvenient theory, it must be admitted is certainly one without any physical or literary evidence).

In thinking about all this, I have to admit to a certain bias. Being somewhat familiar with both Eastern and Western systems, I have a good feel I think for the strengths and weaknesses of each. So I may have a slightly skewed opinion. When I have sparred with each weapon against each style of fighter, I know generally what they can and can't do and adjust myself accordingly. Then again, maybe that makes me more objective than biased. My own experiences contrasting the two forms has been in using a variety of implements, including: non-contact steel blunts, semi-contact bokken (wooden sword) versus replica rapier, and full-contact padded sword versus schläger (rapier simulator). Attempting a simulation of sport epee versus bokken though, is a futile exercise as the super light epee, more often than it can flash in with a poke, can be easily knocked around and even end up being bent. As well, shinai versus a foil or epee is just as futile. The virtually weightless bamboo shinai distorts a katana's handling far more so than even a foil or epee misrepresents the performance of a rapier or small-sword.

Very often it has seemed to me, that sport fencers are quite often much too quick to assume that their own speedy feints, disengages, and long reach will easily overwhelm a cutting sword. Frequently, what passes for the kenjutsu that Western fencers have previously encountered was far from competent. Thus, they are habitually unprepared for a katana's agile strength and defensive counter-cuts. The worst thing the rapier fighter can do is to allow his weapon to be bound up with the point off to the side (once you're past a rapier's point, the weapon is almost impotent). He also must avoid fighting close-in where the katana's force and slicing ability will instantly dominate. On the other hand, Asian stylists unfamiliar with what a rapier really is and what it can do, severely underestimate it. They too readily believe what they see in sport epee and foil is the "real thing", or that the Princess Bride and Zorro fans at the local Renn faire represent the best the weapon has to offer. The rapier's deceptive speed combined with its excellent reach and fast, efficient footwork make it a formidable weapon to face in single (unarmored) combat. Essentially, underestimating either weapon is a fatal misperception.*

If we assume the rapier is being used alone, that means the fencer has its left hand free to seize his opponent's grip, handle, or arm. If we assume he is using a companion dagger with his rapier, then when he closes in he has a potential killing thrust at his disposal. Also, the rapier fighter would not have been ignorant of grappling and wrestling techniques any less than his Asian opponent.

It is worth mentioning that the rapier was used more often with a companion dagger. But employing a dagger against a fast katana is extremely challenging as well as possibly self-defeating. Trying to trap or block a sword held in two-hands with a light dagger held in one is not advisable. The samurai might always release one hand from his weapon and grab his opponent's blade. However, some dagger techniques against a sword actually resemble those effectively used with the Okinawan sai --a weapon fully capable of defeating a katana. Also, the respected two-sword nito-ryu style of the famous Miyamoto Musashi seems to be much less relevant against the rapier. In this case, using one hand on two separate swords reduces the katana's own speed and strength advantages while playing to the rapier's. The two swords end up being too slow to employ their combination parry/cut against the rapier's greater speed and stabbing reach.

So, after all this I am reluctant to form an opinion of one over another, but I have to say I really don't know one way or the other. I have tremendous respect for kenjutsu's excellent technique and its ferocious cutting ability, yet I favor the rapier's innovative fence and vicious mechanics. Though it's very fun to speculate on, I think "who would win" between a rapier swordsman and a samurai is a moot question and unanswerable. Thus, what it eventually gets down to is not the weapon or even the art, but the individual (their conditioning and attitude) and the circumstances. Bottom line, it's about personal skill."

*End Note: As students of both combatives and history, we must recognize the limitation that, despite the sincerest attempts, any modern civilianized (even sportified) martial art practiced for recreation and health is not the same as one historically practiced for survival.  Few would assert today that medieval styles of fighting have anywhere been preserved exactly as they once were with the same level of intensity, expertise, and motivation. However, it’s no secret to point out how today's less informed student of Asian martial arts often imagines his modern style (or at least the popular mythology surrounding it) is identical in all respects to the version once practiced in a very different society and culture hundreds of years past (indeed, even when it comes to historical weaponry, some modern day practitioners feel their theoretical version is actually superior to what was done in antiquity for real). What is required then for objective consideration is a willingness to look at the subject more as students of history, rather than as emotionally invested adherents of a belief system. The more a combative digresses from its originating conditions compelling combat utility, the less martial it becomes. The counter-argument to this is that preservation is systemic and endemic to the pedagogy of traditional fighting skills and that the subtleties of martial arts can only be passed on person to person, not via texts and images. However, anthropologically, there can be no question that despite the best efforts, there is no way to ever verifying the veracity of generational verbal transmission which by its nature is subject to change over time.

*Note: Interestingly, the Renaissance cut-and-thrust method (as for example practiced by the Elizabethan master George Silver or described in various early 16th century Italian manuals) naturally has qualities of each weapon. It's not unlike that of kenjutsu with many fundamental principles being the same. It differs significantly of course, in its footwork and in the application of certain techniques and moves (particularly thrusts and parries) which were later adapted to its similar "cousin", the rapier. Cut-and-thrust or side-swords swords were also commonly used along with a buckler or dagger and the flexibility of this two-weapon combination can have some advantages against a single sword in held two hands. It certainly did against European greatswords on occasion, but this was in the age when such war swords were already no longer in wide use.